I have memories of a funny song people used to sing in playgrounds for laughs, and am trying to figure out where it came from, and what the full lyrics are.
I can find snippets of sources, like ‘My Old Man’s a Dustman’ is a famous song, but never the whole mixup put together. It went something like this:
*My old man’s a dustman*
*He wears a dustman’s hat*
*He bought two thousand tickets*
*to see a football match*
*Fatty passed to Skinny,*
*Skinny passed it back*
*Fatty took a rot-ten shot and knocked the goalie flat.*
*Where was the goalie when the ball went in the net?*
*Half way up the post, with his trousers round his neck*
*Singing “Ooompa! Looompa! Stick it up your joomper!”*
*Rule Brittania*
*Marmalade and Jam*
*We put sausages in our old man (???)*
*(can’t remember if there was anything else here)*
*We rubbed his belly with a five pound jelly*
*but the poor old soul was dead.*
​
Did anyone else hear this song and know the full lyrics? It seemed waaayyy too long and specific to be a local thing!
9 comments
Haven’t thought of this in years but yeah I remember it up until this point too.
Have also just remembered, for the first time in a long time *’in a German Nick when they hang you by your…’*
Highbrow stuff.
At my school in the West Midlands around 1990 we used to sing:
“My old man’s a dustman,
He wears a dustman’s cap,
He farted through the letterbox
and paralysed the cat,
The chairs couldn’t stand it,
The table split in half,
And all because of my old man’s
supersonic farts.”
We sang ‘my old man’s a dustman he wears a dustman’s hat, he wears cor blimey trousers and he lives in a council flat’ where did we get this stuff? 🤣
It’s a song from 1966 by Lonnie Donegan
But the additional joke lyrics are probably different in every primary school
My old man’s a dustman he wears a dustmans hat. He bought a penny ticket to watch a football match. Fatty passed to skinny and skinny passed it back. Then fatty took a whopping shot and knocked the goalie flat.
I grew up in Kent in the 90s but inherited this from my mother who grew up in South London in the 60s.
1970s school in North Yorkshire person here.
Anyone remember the Arsehole Song?
Arsehole, Arsehole, a soldier I must be,
Too pissed, too pissed, two pistols on my knee,
I’ll fight for the cunt, I’ll fight for the cunt, I’ll fight for the old country,
Fuck you, fuck you, for curiosity.
Rule Britannia marmalade and jam,
Five Chinese crackers up your arsehole,
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.
Rule Britannia, three monkeys on a stick,
One fell off and paralyzed his…..
…..Prickles grow on bushes,
Prickles grow on trees,
Prickles grow on ladies legs,
And some of ladies knees.
My mother had a baby,
She called him tiny Tim,
She took him to the lavatory to see if he could swim,
He swam to the bottom,
He swam to the top,
And when he came up for air,
She grabbed him by the…..
…..Cock-tails, shandies, 2 and 6 a glass,
If you do not like them, I’ll stick then up your….
….. Assk no questions, tell no lies,
I saw a policeman doing up his…..
….Flies are a nuisance, bees are even worse,
That is the end of my silly verse.
Bloody hell, I’m amazed I still remember that after nearly 50 years.
We had one about fatty and thinny. Fatty and thinny went to bed. Fatty rolled over and thinny was dead.
You mean the 1890s?
Bit different in my neck of the woods…
My old man’s a dustman
He wears a dustman’s hat
He bought five thousand tickets
to watch a football match
Fatty passed to Skinny,
Skinny passed it back
Fatty took a rocket shot and blew the goalie flat.
Where was the goalie when the ball was in the net?
Half way up the post, with his balls around his neck.
They laid him on a stretcher,
They laid him on a bed,
They stuffed his bum with pedigree chum and now the poor blokes dead.
His wife had a baby,
They called it Sonny-Jim,
She flushed it down the toilet to see if he could swim.
First he did the back stroke,
They he did front crawl,
Then he did the butterfly and pissed all up the wall, and on the floor, and then on Mister Hallllllllllll!
For context, Mister Hall was a very strict science teacher at my school.