I’m a male, 18 and I go to highschool. In classes, I often ask questions or give counter arguments to what has been said. I try to do this in a constructive, polite manner. I think that this is a part of my personality. I like to view things from a different angle and to try to truly understand a topic.
However, my classmates do not seem to like this behavior. Often times, they sigh or make a comment when I’m questioning something. They seem to perceive me as argumentative and negative.
I mostly do not care about those opinions. However, this makes me feel isolated and lonely. Seemingly because of my perception as negative and argumentative, I feel like nobody really wants to have to do anything with me.
One possible solution may be to look in private for some sort of a club for people with similar interests. But for my interests, those don’t seem to exist.
I’m also trying to appear approachable and give attention to my body language and my face, so I don’t see this being a reason. I also initiate conversations, but the others don’t seem to show genuine interest and the conversation falls flat.
And then again, I also don’t really want to change myself to appeal to others. But this loneliness has a significant impact on my mental well-being. Therefore, I find myself in a dilemma as I don’t see another solution to this problem, rather than changing myself.
Could someone maybe give me advice on what I should do, so I can socialize better and make friends?
11 comments
i understand where you’re coming from. And no you shouldn’t change yourself. Your ability to argue is such a gift and can bring you success in life. Definitely love the idea of joining a club with people with similar interests. Those people will be your closest friends. However to be more approachable and likeable, it is important to be more aware in social situations when it is appropriate to argue and when to not argue.
I think in todays generation there’s a big chance you’re not gonna change a persons mind so why even try? Especially arguing with highschoolers. They don’t even want to be there. To be more likeable, maybe just sit back and chill.
your classmates also mean nothing to you. They have only made you feel empty. Why even care about them? You will be their boss one day. If they can’t respect your opinion enough then they aren’t worth it. You will eventually find friends who are better than them and will be actually interested in you. I know it’s hard but that’s just kind of the reality of the world. We are not meant to please everybody.
Trying to dive deeper and open up conversations by offering counter points or asking questions is a good thing, sometimes. But too much of a good thing…
Not all conversations need to become a deep dive into whatever topic it is you’re discussing. And most of the time dont need to become a debate. If you are trying to do that with every conversation you’re a part of, it comes off as contrarian and yes, argumentative.
Its exhausting constantly having to defend what you say. A lot of the time, people just want to have an easygoing conversation without being questioned — and there is nothing bad or wrong about that.
My main point being: there’s a time and place to really tear into a topic, or start debating. And that is not “all the time, everywhere.”
You sound like a curious guy, so channel that into something you care about, not just debating classmates. I get it, you feel the need deep down to make a point or ask a question. I used to be the same way so I had to figure out if it was worth starting something, or if it really mattered that I contributed a certain amount to a particular convo. Most of the time it doesn’t.
Yes! find groups with common interests and go wild. Once you leave high school, you mostly get to pick who you spend time with. I’m sure you’ll find people who like this part of you, but not everyone will.
Edit: I wouldn’t consider this changing yourself. More like refining yourself, which is a lifelong process.
Not only are you argumentative and negative, you are wasting your classmate’s time.
The way I see it, most teenagers aren’t really looking to have those kinds discussions with kids they aren’t familiar with. You might be seen as the “teachers pet”. I wouldn’t suggest changing ur personality, and it’s good that you don’t want to do that. What I do suggest is trying to be more of a “listener”. What I mean by that is basically being a less active participant in conversation, to give a person time to warm up to you and get to know you. Try to find a person who either likes arguing, which is always a fun time, or someone who will consider what you think thoughtfully
Ask your teacher after class or in an email. Your learning shouldn’t disrupt others.
Go to law school. It’s perfect for you!
If you are getting consistent negative reactions then I think it’s time to reflect a bit on what specifically is causing it. Is it that you are nitpicking others views so they feel like you are attacking them? Are you coming off as arrogant or knowing more than the rest of the class? Are you wasting class time on your own tangents when everyone else wants to get on with the lesson? I would recommend trying to switch things up a bit. Maybe try to limit your comments to a certain amount per week or per class (depending on how the class is structured and how much discussion is typical). You could also challenge yourself to make more supportive/positive comments ie “NAME makes a great point I hadn’t thought of. This makes me think of XYZ..”
One of my siblings does this. I don’t think the problem is the questions/counter arguments, but rather that you’re doing so in a place or a conversation that may not be appropriate for it. Your classmates sighs are a big indicator that you’ve got to pick and choose your points in these classes.
Another issue my siblings have, which I’m not sure if you have, is that they’re so focused on the point or making points in general that they lose the conversation.
The outlet they found that works best for them was joining clubs (such as debate, philosophy, etc.) that encouraged this kind of conversation or even those that just supported their general interests.
Before u say something in class, ask yourself mentally: “SHOULD i really say this?” If u re 100% confident with your own answer, then go and ask. If not, just stay quiet..
I use this ALL the time, even in work. It has never failed me.
Ex: someone ask a stupid question and u want to correct him. Ask yourself: “Its worth it? The class will benefit with my action? I feel that its the right thing to do,or i just want to be right? This will hurt someone?”
An important thing to know is that the act of starting a debate is itself a statement of many opinions. It may feel like a neutral thing that’s fun on its own, but you’re also “saying” a multitude of things when you start a debate:
* “I think this topic does not have an obvious answer.”
* “I think this topic has at least two valid sides to it.”
* “I am automatically in mild disagreement with anyone here who thought this topic didn’t need a debate. And I’m *definitely* in disagreement with anyone who holds the same opinion as the teacher.”
* “I care more about my intellectual entertainment than your comfort.”
* “I think, given the limited amount of time we have, I deserve a significant percentage of that time dedicated to providing solely myself with entertainment/fulfillment even if it’s at the expense of everyone else here.”
* “I am okay with the overall class having less learning or going longer than before in order to make myself feel satisfied.”
To also illustrate a nuance of which topics to debate (just in case you have), be careful about debating topics that include real people around you. Imagine the topic is “18 year old male Redditors who post in socialskills”. The teacher is saying “some people post there and it’s fine. Anyway, different internet cultures…”
And suddenly someone interrupts to say something like “wait… Couldn’t it not be fine? Hypothetically could the world be a better place if we made sure that socialskills users were banned from school? Not that I have a strong opinion, just want to explore the options.”
The act of making a topic debatable creates a new threat to the topic at hand and says “it is not obvious if we should respect socialskills users or not” when before it was obvious to respect them.
When I visualize this I think of where the line in the sand is drawn. Habitually it sounds like you draw the line between you and another making conflict. Instead try to create a situation where you’re asking questions *with* them to further expand upon and validate their position. And when they do, get excited. Or even just say that it’s interesting and thank them. Collaboration should be appreciated when in good faith.
With specific examples I can be more specific but it’s saying things like “I like your reasoning but how would you explain xyz”. It assumes they are still correct but have a flaw in their logic. That’s ok and it doesn’t mean they are wrong. It’s you and them as peers on one side of the line with the integrity of their position on the other.
Also pick and choose your battles, if Emily always gets annoyed when you do this don’t do this with Emily lol