I’m 20F. I have a very early birthday so closer to 21, I graduated high school at 18 during covid and took a gap year to work and save for college. I had a full time job at a well known company, and as it was 12 hour day/night shifts I spent the majority of my time either at work or sleeping. That was kinda my “first taste” of independence as other than living at home, everything else I did entirely on my own.
I started college in Sept 2021 and moved into the dorms 3 hours away. It was pretty great. I wish I had made better friends, but the independence was *incredible.* I’ve always been an independent person, but the fact that I could just do everything myself without being hounded or shit on by my dad was so freeing. I’m graduating in April, and this year instead of the dorms I’m living with my grandpa half an hour away from my school. I bought a car over the summer to commute. My last semester is a work placement, which I’m doing back home so I’ll be living with my parents again for that.
Before now, I thought I just liked the independence of living on my own. Now, living with my grandpa, I’ve realized that living with others isn’t the issue. It’s my family that’s the issue.
I love my mom to death and we get along great, but my family is very Christian, especially her. There’s a lot of stuff surrounding “purity” and the like that means I absolutely can’t talk to her about a lot of things. I pretty much don’t bring my boyfriend over to my house, because we would get zero alone time and everything we say would be overheard and talked about later. My dad is a nightmare. He and I have had issues since I was about 12, and honestly even before that. He’s a racist asshole and he takes everything out on me. He’s a narcissist and he comes first in everything. He’s also extremely controlling, and we’ve had a lot of nasty fights when I’ve set boundaries. I have little to no respect left for him.
He didn’t want me to take a gap year, because it would give me financial independence. He tried to interfere with me buying a car because I was using their old one while I was home, which meant he could control where I went and when. The car was the last thing he had to hold over me.
Every time I come home for a break, it’s the same thing. There’s a literal air of tension in the house at all times when he’s there. If my mom and I are having a conversation in the living room, he’ll storm in and interrupt to talk about something else and get mad when I bring up that we were mid conversation. He gets angry at the slightest thing and will slam cupboard doors and the garage door. If he has a problem, he makes my mom tell me instead of facing me himself. I was just there for reading week, and my first night back I was sitting on the couch alone. He came in and told me to move because he was going to lay there.
At school last year, I got my first taste of what it’s like to not be anxious to leave my room in the morning in case he’s in the kitchen. Living with my grandpa, he likes to know when I’ll be back when I go somewhere for safety reasons, but I come and go as I please. I’m relaxed.
On top of that, I’ve been spending more and more time at my boyfriend’s place when I’m home. He’s 24 and staying with his dad and step mom at the moment to save for an apartment, and I’m welcome to come and stay whenever I want. When I’m there, it’s so freeing. If we need groceries, we go get them. We cook meals together and relax. If one of us has an appointment, either we’ll just go then come back later, or we’ll drop each other off. Nobody yells or makes things tense. At this point I see his parents more than my own.
Then when I come home, I can literally feel my chest tightening up when I come in the door and I just want to leave again. We get along better when I’m just quickly visiting. Like I was just home for reading week, and I spent 90% of it at my boyfriend’s. I came home for a day and a bit then went back. He and I went over to have dinner with my parents and brother one night and watch a movie, and it was so nice. Everyone was pleasant and I got to leave to go back to his place after. My parents aren’t a big fan of me staying overnight at his house, because purity, but I kinda told them tough shit I’m an adult.
After I graduate I’ll be taking another gap year before transferring to university for another 2 years. I’m hoping that my boyfriend and I will be able to get an apartment together near my new school at that time, and I’ll never need to long term live with them again.
TL;DR: my family is so overbearing that living with them is becoming intolerable. I don’t know how to feel about needing to live there for another couple years before I’ll be able to afford to move out.