I (30)’ve been with my husband (33) for almost 7 years. I moved to the US to be with him. When we were long distance at the beginning he was wonderful and made feel confident of getting married. When I moved here, I realized he was a different person. He told me it was because he was depressed back then. I remember telling a friend that I wasn’t feeling happy and she told him. When he brought it up to me all he said was “she doesn’t know what she is talking about, I’m a great guy”.
Two years later, I started going to counseling thinking that I was the problem of why the relationship and my happiness wasn’t improving. My husband supported the idea, also thinking that I was the one that needed to work on things. 6 months later he decided that he was going to go too.
Two and half years therapy helped me mostly to work on personal issues. I made improvements mostly om skticking up for myself with him but I was still downplaying the things that bother me. I needed to work on communicating my feelings and for the longest time I thought I sucked at it but in reality I was communicating with him in the best way possible, he was just not listening. Someone so defensive who in his mind was always right and once told me “if I accept responsibility I’d look like an idiot”. He’s made changes but mostly for himself not for the relationship. I was taking care of most things in the house he just got comfortable and took me for granted.
I was asked by my therapist at the beggining if I wanted out, I said no, was just not expecting that kind of question from an outside person. I usually don’t give on things and I wanted to keep trying. I’ve worked hard to keep us alive because overall he is a nice guy.Since then a lot of great things happened to me but nothing felt fulfilling. I realized I left myself go, I forgot who I was I put him first over and over again for him to be happy.
A couple months ago, I met somebody who I became friends with, I started to have feelings for him even though nothing happened. I cut that off and stop talking to him. Having those feelings made realize that I probably stopped loving my husband a while ago and got into a deep emotional stage from the thought of never being able to walk away no matter how unhappy I am, how much my family loves him and the thought of never finding someone as “good as him”.
TL;DR: I want to stay and love him back, love him the way we all deserve. I just don’t know where to find the strength to do it while I also work on myself. Should I stay longer?
4 comments
You’ve been working on your marriage for 7 years. That’s enough time to know how you feel and what you want from the next 50 years. Being married should take that much effort.
He baited and switched you. Don’t leave just because you managed to line up the next guy to catch you as you fall, put that shit on ice for now. But yes, work on a solid plan to end the marriage and move on. You’ve worked long and hard enough on it.
I would have a come to jesus discussion with him before hitting the nuclear button. Like not an ultimatum per se, but an honest “I am falling out of love with you because things just don’t change, if things remain the same I don’t see this relationship surviving.” discussion. If he still won’t accept responsibility, well, you have the clear go ahead, that there’s really nothing you can do, one person can’t put in all the effort of a relationship.
I wish I had left in year 7 when I felt this way. I stayed for another 11 years and it never got better. He ended up leaving me for someone else and I’ll never get those years back.