Hi everyone! I’m 29F and I just want your opinion about dating men who are in their 30s.
I’m considering going on a date with a couple of guys, but a lot of them tell me that they’re not sure what they’re looking for but are “open” to relationships if it feels right. I’m kind of put off by this type of thing because I want to be married before I turn 35, preferably even sooner and I don’t want to waste time.
Have you ever seen a dating situation turn into a relatively quicker marriage from someone who can’t say they want that in the early stages(talking stage)? Obviously it doesn’t have to mean you want you marry ME after 3 dates, but I like seeing that it’s at least something on the list for the future.
I got burned by my last relationship (the guy ultimately decided he was still unsure if he ever wanted to get married, period, let alone to me) and I’m just wondering if I should stick to men that state that this is what they’re looking for early on. I’m really put off by “I don’t knows” and “let’s hang out and see”.
Thanks!
43 comments
>I’m really put off by “I don’t knows” and “let’s hang out and see”.
>I’m kind of put off by this type of thing because I want to be married before I turn 35, preferably even sooner and I don’t want to waste time.
Well, you said it. Personally I’m – or at least I’d be – looking for a serious relationship… Not knowing what you want to do past 30 is just odd. Either you want to keep it casual and say it before hand, or want a real relationship.
From my experience avoid these men like the plague they are time wasters. and try to meet one in person that wants to get married.
You want to meet someone who wants to get married and expresses that.
I’d recommend avoiding those types of guys, honestly. I’m in the same situation, on the other side as a guy, and I am looking for a woman who knows what she wants and is looking to get married too
It’s not worth my time dating someone who doesn’t know what they want because it seems likely that things will end when they eventually realize a marriage isn’t what they want or something. I’d rather we align on things like this early so we both agree on what the end goal is
While I was on hinge, I would see women I’m their 30s who didn’t know what they were looking for. I avoided them.
“I don’t know but I’m open” is their way of saying “I don’t want a relationship but I don’t want to limit my dating options to people who don’t want relationships either.”
Otherwise, unless you’re a late bloomer or freshly out of a long relationship, you’re too old to not know what you want out of life.
Devil’s advocate here… I’m similar to guys you mentioned. In my mind, deep relationships should develop naturally. I get where you are coming from, but any time I see a woman say she wants to be married by X, I question her motives. Does she actually like me? What happens when she checks off the marriage FOMO off her list? The last thing that I want to do is to screw up my life by committing to someone who will turn it into a legal nightmare, because marriage is an expectation of society.
From alot of men’s perspective, strongly indicating what you’re looking for early on can feel like more of an exclusion criteria than an inclusion criteria. That’s fine if you have enpugh choices, but often men don’t have those choices in online dating, so they tend to err on the side of being noncommittal about what they’re looking for so they have a wider pool of people to go on dates with.
To your question in the OP, it’s not really possible to tell. I could just as easily indicate super hard that I’m looking for marriage ASAP, take you on 3 dates, sleep with you, and never call you again as I could express that I’m not super sure about marriage right now, but am searching for a partner.
All you can do is participate in the ritual and see who you meet!
I’m sorry but you seem to want to rush into something whereas they don’t. This isn’t a race. Being married isn’t the end all be all. Being happy is the goal. Marriage is a piece of paper.
I wouldn’t not go on dates with men like this, but it’s fine to want to be married. To showcase an exception, I met a guy online, me being post divorce, not wanting anything serious, trying to get my life back together, and he was in the area for a short period of time for work, not looking for anything, thought dating would have to be on hold because if work, etc, you know the story. Well we’re very happy together now and he is planning on extending his contract in my area. No intentions, no plans, no goals, we just click in a way that makes sense and we love each other.
People don’t want to be a checkmark. People want you to be with them because you want to be with them, not being you’ve set a goal for marriage by 35. When you reduce people to their goals and what boxes they check off, I think you will miss out on a lot of what life has to offer.
I don’t even look at guys if they can’t tell me to my face that they’re searching for a serious relationship with marriage as the end goal. Don’t care if it’s first date or whatever.
If you’re dating with similar intentions I recommend you don’t waste your time either
I’d strongly suggest asking after you meet for the first time in-person. In my experience people want different things from different people. Once they meet you, they might eagerly answer that they are interested in marriage, whereas they might not say that to someone before meeting you.
These guys don’t want commitment. If you want to talk about what that means feel free to chat request me. I can share my experiences as well as it’s a little more personal.
Ugh I can relate to this waaaayyy too much. I just ended a 9 month relationship where at the beginning his response was “I’m open to see where things go, I’m not looking to rush into anything but open if it happens” 🙄🙈. This just led to tears knowing I had to break it off when he couldn’t reciprocate “I love you” but could say “I love kissing you” and “I think I might, I just need more time” and couldn’t even verbalize what he wanted in the next 2 or 5 years in his OWN life.
Moving forward my litmus test is if he can’t clearly communicate what he wants his future to look like that’s a no from me. This includes wanting a family. There is NOTHING wrong with knowing what you want in life. Sadly it will scare a good number of them away…and that’s ok…they just aren’t for you. I think any reasonable human being understands that asking what you’re looking for doesn’t mean with “me” obviously when you don’t know them yet.
Don’t be afraid to be picky. I think these guys are so used to women drooling over anything that they keep getting away with it. I think it’s about time women are strong in their standards and stop settling for the casual bullshit if it’s not what they want.
I’m 37 male, One day I would like to be married. But I don’t want kids and that is something I won’t change my mind over.
I selected “marriage” in the “looking for” field and I only matched with men who at least said they were looking for a relationship. A lot of men missed it so I always made it clear by the first date that I was looking for my life partner or I’d rather be alone. I think that cleared it up for the men who thought maybe I might settle or I had boxes to check. It also helped that I’ve been married before and I’d say that on first dates too “I’ve checked all the boxes. Now I want something I can build forever on.” Did this remove some options? Absolutely. But that was the point for me. I only need one forever person. So I filtered quickly and honestly. A lot of things were less relevant to me but being intentional and having shared goals were the most important.
Yes, I recently made a post of dating a 30 year old guy. I waited two months too long to ask him what he was looking for, and think I could have saved myself a lot of time had I been more upfront and honest around dates 1-3! I’m dating with the same purpose, and am looking to find my future best friend to marry and start a family with.
The last guy I dated (32m) expressed the same sentiments as well. He wasn’t for me due to other reasons, but they ARE out there, it’s just soooo hard digging through all these profiles. Envious of those who just get “lucky” and find their person young.
Prob single men over 35 are your best chance…I’m almost 30 and honestly with the economy and how it’s been for our generation, it’s taken me quite a while to build myself enough to be able to start traveling and experiencing all the things I want, and same with my other male friends. Hell there’s people in their late 20s still living with their parents cause everything is so expensive. A man who is already built will be more open for marriage so probably 35+ in age
What is the reasoning for wanting marriage so bad? Is it because thats the legal binding of the relationship? Marriage in general is slowing down, its not for everyone. Is Marriage with a prenup an option? Is it society telling you thats what you do before a certain age or else you have failed at life? Just curious what the fixation is.
No. In my experience people who “don’t know what they want” are looking for something casual and don’t want to turn people off by saying that or just situationships. No thanks just a waste of time.
Can’t imagine guys are any different there.
I wasn’t looking for marriage but I was looking for a serious relationship. When I quit dicking around with the “open to see what happens” guys, my dating life improved immensely. My advice to you is to do the same.
I wouldn’t eat a burger that **might** give me diarrhoea & I don’t date guys who don’t know what they want. If you’re not ready then that’s one less out of billions of people to get to know.
All your going to do is get a bunch of guys who will lie to you to have sex
I’m a single guy In my thirty’s, and I think all they mean is that they would rather be alone than just get married for the sake of it. Sure, if I met the right person I would love to be married and have kids, But I’m not about to jump in head first on a first date and plan a life together with deadlines on the relationship.
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To be honest with you, I’m not the marrying type at this time. It doesn’t mean I’m closed off, and for the right woman I would do it. That would be the only time I’d say “I’m open” to an idea so as not to imply I am guaranteed to have marriage in my future. If I’m talking with you, then it’s likely that I’d pursue a relationship with you and then we see where it lands. Guys saying they’re open to a relationship may be more flaky and looking for hookups than committal, I can at least say I’d like a committed exclusive relationship to explore where it goes.
For you, I think you should be upfront and honest sooner than later. Maybe not a first date, but it needs to be a conversation that you have a desired timeline of what you’d like. If a guy says he needs a decade to get to that point, then are you willing to wait? But if he’s on the same wavelength as you then maybe he’s a good match. You may not achieve the “by 35” but at that age you may be in a relationship that is on the track of marriage. I’m no expert on dating, but I think an honest conversation will be your best friend. Some guys may look at you like you’re crazy and ghost you, but they’re just weeding out the folks that you aren’t looking for.
Good luck OP, hope you find your match.
I said I didn’t want to get married before 35 and now I’m in my early 30s with a toddler.
If you find the right person, you never know.
I would be open about it but bring it up on the date rather than over text. Over text it’s easy to misunderstand tone and come off differently than you mean to. I think it’s super reasonable on the first or second date to express that you are looking for a serious relationship/ to settle down within the next few years, and that you need a partner that’s also actively seeking that, not someone who’s just “going with the flow”.
I am currently in a 4 yr relationship now and I am 35. But when I was 28 I suddenly found myself single coming out of a 10 year relationship. I had to start dating again and most were men in their 30s. Here is my experience:
If they say they don’t know what they want, believe them. Just trust me. It won’t end well lol.
If they say they don’t know what they want but are “open to a relationship” it means they just want something casual and are not ready for a relationship.
If you are looking for a serious relationship I would recommend steering clear of these type of men and look for men who are direct, honest and will tell you exactly what they are looking for. At 28 I was not getting any younger lol
Don’t waste your time on the “open to relationship” and “I dont knows”. I wasted so much time on giving people the benefit of the doubt and ended up in situationships that were not good for my mental health. My fiancé (35) and I (31) met last year on a dating app and within the first few dates, he let me know he was serious about us. Prior to my fiancé, I was seeing someone for months and we parted ways when he couldn’t DTR.
Like others have said- people who are marriage minded and emotionally available will be upfront that that is something they want for themselves. Some people are shy to say that because they don’t want to freak out the other person, or they don’t want to imply they want to marry *them*, or they are emotionally unavailable and immature in that they aren’t upfront with their intentions, ALSO some people really don’t have any intentions…
Personally, I’m not marriage minded at this point in my life but I would like a life-partner. So, when people are doing the “not sure/ open/ etc” thing I pass. Having shared goals is super important to me and I value being thoughtful and decisive at the same time. I am not willing to go down the road with them while they figure that aspect of their lives out.
With all of that said- please also keep in mind from someone who got married a little to young but also not that young- the marriage isn’t the goal. You get married and then life rolls on. Having the right person by far trumps having the right marital status. It’s easy to get into married relatively. Getting OUT of the marriage is life changing and can be very traumatic depending on your lifestyles, the nature of and what goes on in your relationship, the kind of person you and your partner become. This is especially true if children are involved.
My suggestion that I give often and freely is to freeze your eggs. Lots. If you want kids and that’s a driving factor. My cousin was well into her 30s when I gave her that advice and she took it. It enabled her to remove that pressure when finding her husband. They just had their first baby this year and seem incredibly happy.
I’m curious, what is it about marriage that you feel you need? The answer might help you understand what your options are.
I know there are a lot of people who want to get married, and I used to feel the same. Until I didn’t. One day I woke up and was like “oh hey, literally who cares?” I have a few friends who are actively against the wedding part, and I’ve sort of became the same.
Anyway, my partner’s last girlfriend definitely for sure 100% wanted a wedding and they broke up over it. They’ve stayed friends, and let me tell you, it’s difficult for her that we essentially have everything she wanted with him except for the wedding. We moved in together, bought a place, got a dog. We have a joint bank account. We have everything except paperwork and photos.
So I think maybe a little more sleuthing is in order. Are they saying they don’t want a long-term relationship where you live together and share your life together? Or are they saying they don’t need to sign some stuff and hire a photographer? And where do you fall on this spectrum? What do you need?
i wouldn’t date someone who can’t say they want a relationship. the attitude of just being open or seeing what happens is just an excuse for being casual with people who will treat the like it’s not.
bc it’s not like people who are looking for a relationship necessarily are going to jump into something quickly or a bad one. 100% dealbreaker if someone can’t say they’re looking for their person.
Stay away from the “not sure” “let’s see what happens” types. Those people are mentally preparing you upfront for them to flake when commitment rears it’s end. They are easy to spot and weed out. Unfortunately the real heartbreak comes from people who DO say they want a relationship but end up not being equipped for it and run when things get serious. Because there’s very few people who don’t like the idea of a companion, so they enjoy the fantasy of a relationship more than the reality. There’s already enough to worry about with them so make your life at least a little easier by not entertaining the people who are upfront about being flakes.
Something else to keep in mind as well is even if/when you find a guy who says he wants a serious relationship/marriage, watch what is DONE, not what is SAID. Two people can be on the same page about what they SAY they want, but one’s actions don’t always align with their words. Relationships are work on a daily basis. Some people get in to a relationship, realize what it’s going to take and then decide that they want to bail.
I’m one of these late 30’s men who are “open” to the idea of marriage. Although I like to take the time with it.
It’s good to voice expectancy early on but for myself….if we jive and it’s solid for a year +. Then I’ll start ring shopping. Granted I also see the woman as wife material and she views me as husband material.
The typical “looking for long term, open to short” gang lol. They don’t know what they want, and want someone else to tell them what to want, rather prove to them what they should want. Res flag. Narrow your search. Be very specific. You only get what you want by setting your intention right and sticking to it
Go on dates with someone who wants to get married, and says so.
They might not want to marry you, and you might not want to marry them, but that’s what dating is for.
Going on dates with guys who aren’t sure what they want just adds another layer to the complexity of dating.
Being on the same page alleviates the “what do you want?” even if you don’t end up being the person they want.
36M here. I think there’s a lot of people who waffle on kids because that can vary depending on who they’re with, but I’d expect people to have more definitive thoughts on the idea of marriage by now. I’d agree that people who don’t are probably a waste of your time at this point.
People who say that they are “Open” to a relationship mean that they are strictly looking for casual, but if you are somehow a genie who blows their socks off, pays them $10k/month for sex, while not demanding sex, and lets them do whatever they want, including get sex on the side… well, maybe they’d be open to defining the relationship after a few years.
As a guy chiming in, a lot of us are just more cautious than we used to be. I’d love to get married if it didn’t mean destroying my financial stability or entitlement from the separated party when divorce happens. I’ve been married twice, and both times, my prior spouses took a LOT of money from me, so now, I’m extremely cautious on the idea of marriage. Commitment on the other hand, I’m totally fine with, and have been with my current partner for 5+ years.
Personally, I don’t fuck with uncertainty. I fully grant that it can and does happen—some lovely lady meets a charming guy still trying to find himself, and their blossoming love evolves into a revelation and they get married. But my suspicion is this outcome (and the inverse) is rare.
Personally, I look for someone who’s also sure of what she wants. Not to make a moral statement on it, but to me *personally* it offends me a bit on a sentimental level to date someone unsure of marriage. I find marriage and having a family a beautiful thing. It’s one of my top priorities in life to find. I’ve known I wanted these things since I was a teenager. The romantic in me wants to find someone who puts similar importance in love and family, and historically people who are “unsure” about things like that remain that way, no matter how peachy you are.
Maybe because I was lucky enough at a young age to find someone really special which drew out that inspiration, even though it didn’t work, and others have never even experienced it, so they remain “uncertain.” But being on a similar timeline as you, OP, I just don’t waste my time with people lacking that conviction or solidity from their introspection. Having kids and a spouse are big decisions, and I wish more people would seriously deliberate on what they wanted and the steps required to get there; we might see more effort and intention come out of it.
> a lot of them tell me that they’re not sure what they’re looking for but are “open” to relationships if it feels right
Avoid them. You need a person that is sure of what he is looking for.
Source: I’m one of them that doesn’t know what are looking for and a relationship is the most I would have. If a partner tells me they wanna marry in less than 3 years of dating I’d run.