So I have no friends. Ive been a loner my entire life. My husband, not so much. Everyone I’ve tried to be friends with eventually just leave me hanging. I’ve asked people do I have a problem and everyone always says I’m not the problem. So either they are lying or I just have bad taste in friends. My husband had a female friend before we got married and naturally she became my friend also. The friendship started off great but a year goes by and she does to me what every other person has done. I confront her to make sure i did nothing wrong and again, it wasn’t me its her. So you can imagine how that hurt me after ive been through multiple friendships like that. My husband saw that this hurt me and deleted her from every social media app. Mind you I didn’t tell him to I even told him he didn’t have to. So recently, he added her back on social media and had a conversation with her. He told me that they are just alike and don’t like being around people so he understands her. Then proceeds to say the only reason he deals with me all the time is because I’m his wife. That really hurt my feelings and I honestly felt betrayed after he could “understand” her so quickly after she obviously hurt me. So we talked about it and i told him how i felt and he apologized. A couple of days go bye and we are laying in bed getting ready to sleep. I see a notification from her pop up and he said he messaged her to check on her. I didn’t get mad but it kinda hurt my feelings because, again, I felt betrayed. He has many friends but he has told me multiple times that he doesn’t like people at all. So how is that he can check on her if he hates people so much? I just feel betrayed and back stabbed because i feel like he doesn’t have my back. She really did hurt me because I actually thought this time she’d be a genuine friend. Am I wrong for feeling this way? For example, he had another female friend that did some really messed up stuff to him and really hurt him. I talked to her a couple of times and honestly she’s a good friend to me, besides her own problems. But if he told me multiple times that he feels betrayed because i talk to her because she’s a good friend to me, then I’m going to stop talking to her. My husband feelings comes before her. I haven’t talked to her in about a year because honestly i don’t feel really comfortable talking to her. So again, am I wrong for feeling betrayed? Or am I just blowing this out of proportion and just forget about it?
9 comments
Hmmm…
So I can see how you are a bit upset at the situation.
Here’s the thing. She didn’t do anything wrong at all. I am not seeing a valid reason for him to ditch her as a friend. I don’t think one should ditch a friend simply because their partner is uncomfortable, unless there is a reason for that uncomfort.
I think some of the problem is internal – you probably feel a little jealous that even though your husband claims to not like people, he has several friends while you struggle to find one. I think your husband has also caused some of this issue with his clunky language.
I’ll also note that I’m kinda like you and your husband. I didn’t have friends until my mid-30s. I had the same issues you had. Now, I have a hand full of friends and guess what? I don’t like people either. I check on my friends because that’s what you do to keep them. And it’s nice when they check on you also.
Not everyone has to be friends. The fact that she didn’t click with you isn’t anyone’s fault…she didn’t do you wrong by not liking you or not wanting to spend time with you. It’s ok that your husband has friends that are not your friends, you both are individuals and can have separate friendships. I don’t read anything here that is hurtful or betrayal to be honest, no one was rude or mean.
*”but a year goes by and she does to me what every other person has done.”*
What did she do? The beginning of what you wrote sounds like things just fizzle out with people you’re close with. Or was there a big blow up? When you’re “confronting” people about friendships, what actually happens? What is the behavior like leading up to these confrontations?
Yes, it could be a few things. You could seek out people who have toxic behaviors, but there also could be something you’re doing that pushes people away. It’s really hard to say based on what you’re writing here, but if there is no real big blow up, I’m confused how you can feel betrayed enough that your spouse cannot speak to this person without you feeling like you’ve been stabbed in the back. That is a very extreme reaction to someone saying “we don’t really click”….is there more?
The other part of it, I don’t totally understand. You’re saying that he bonds with this woman over the fact that neither of them like people. That’s a very strange conversation overall. And I also don’t understand that part about how he says he has to put up with you because you’re his wife. That sounds like something else is going on there.
Obviously if you can’t keep friends, you are a common denominator.
Being approached by people on why you don’t keep friendships is intimidating and very few people are going to be honest with you that way. Just a reality.
Also good friends are very hard to come by anyways. So building quality friendships is just something most people struggle with.
It should not be expected that if you don’t get along with someone, your husband can’t be friends with them either.
Your husband was friends with this woman before you. Totally unfair of you to expect him to cut her out because you guys aren’t BFFs. That’s controlling on your part and can be abusive if you are eliminating all this friendships.
My advice to you would be to speak to a therapist. Obviously there are some issues here with building and maintaining friendships that requires a lot more detail and context than what you can show online. Someone will help you unpack that issue, give you guidance, as well as help you gain some self confidence.
While he may not have done it in the best way, your husband was honest with you. You are apparently a difficult pain in the ass (my husband would speak to me this way lol) and he understands why you have a hard time building friendships. I think the wrong thing for him to do as your husband is to lie to you to spare your feelings. Again while there are more ideal ways to be honest with people, you should expect honesty from your spouse and that shouldn’t drive you right to betrayal and being stabbed in the back.
You need to learn to self reflect here. It’s not everyone else’s fault. Take ownership of your flaws.
IMHO…. I feel like you had high hopes that the friendship would be long lasting due to her own friendship with your husband. And the fact that she wants to continue a friendship with your husband but not really with you is what makes you upset.
I don’t think your husband or friend did anything wrong tbh. Her worse offence is choosing not to be your friend. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you… nor does it mean there’s anything wrong with her. It just means she probably felt that you two were incompatible.
So while I get you’re upset that your friendship with her ended… I do think it’s wrong for you to block your husband’s friendship just because she doesn’t want to be friends with you.
My advice is learn to be comfortable being by yourself. I say this because I get the impression that you’re desperate to not be alone that you latch onto people. And sometimes when people come off as desperate it comes off too strong that it is suffocating.
When you learn to be comfortable being by yourself then it doesn’t hurt as much whether or not friends are / aren’t around. Spending time with them is nice and fun, but you can also enjoy your life without them.
Do you really expect most people to tell you the truth when you ask them such an awkward question? It’s like when wives ask their husband “does this make me look fat”.
If this happens all of the time with you, then the common denominator is you. Either you are picking the same type of people to be friends that you are not really compatible with or there is something in your actions or your personality that lets budding friendships just wither away.
I would recommend that you seek personal counseling to get a second opinion about other’s perception of you is incongruent with your self-perception. Or perhaps help you come to terms that you are in fact just a loner. there’s nothing wrong in being a loner. You have the ability to be in a committed relationship with your spouse, right? Then why be uncomfortable if he is different from you in personality and sociability? Even worse why get hurt by it?
You expect your husband to do things to be more like you and are upset when he doesn’t, but does he tell you how to act and what to do to be more like him?
dictate his friends.
As an adult I have yet to connect with anyone the way I connected with my friends in high school. Its not anyone’s fault. I didnt click with my entire high school – I clicked with 5 or 6 people out of 200ish and that was with being around each other all the time for 4 years. If you did that as an adult you would probably find a friend.
As much as it sucks, you are the common denominator here, and you have to take a look at what you are contributing to this pattern.
I’m confused about how you have confronted all of these “friends” and been told that you didn’t do anything wrong. How are these confrontations happening? How are these friendships ending? are you feeling letdown in friendships and then confronting the people to ask what is going on? If that is the case, then I think your expectations for what an adult friendship looks like might be exaggerated.