How to enjoy a second/third date without rushing to sex, Please explain

22 comments

1. Don’t go to anyone’s place. Stay out.

2. Intimacy can includes hugs, kissing, cuddling, just being held, gentle touches, etc. Yes, sex fits into that category, but it’s not the only way to show and share intimacy.

   As someone else said, best way to avoid it is to not put yourself into a position where it is an easy option until you are ready for that. Keep dates out of one another’s house. Heck, stay out of a shared vehicle if late at night if you don’t want an… accidental?… BJ to happen.

   Thing is, if *you* feel like more kissing/cuddling would be a letdown, it really comes down to *you* and your perception of what intimacy is and how quickly intimacy needs to escalate. If *you* can’t be comfortable with just those elements of it, without sex, for a few dates, then you are always going to feel let down.

3. If you are both ok with not going back to his place after the movie, maybe establish that in advance because communication is helpful in managing expectations. If you want to go back to his place but not get naked, then each of you is going to have to establish those boundaries, but don’t be mad at yourself for being human. Have you talked through all of your potential deal breakers? Are you both on the same page in terms of what you’re looking for? Having some good conversations while clothed could be helpful for keeping a reality check.

4. >But just cuddling and kissing would be a bit of a letdown because we’ve met several times and have momentum

   I’m not sure I really understand this, but I feel like this attitude is the crux of your problem. The fact that you have momentum doesn’t mean you need to slingshot up the hill; use the momentum to proceed at a good, measured pace and enjoy the journey up. Kissing and cuddling can build a lot of anticipation, if you let it; it makes the journey up the hill more exciting, like getting sneak peeks of a cool view on the way up to the top. The fact that the *best* view is at the top doesn’t make the things you see along the way worthless. (And to your point, if you decide the journey is too much, it’s easier to get down from halfway up).

   But really, it seems like the momentum you’re building is toward a relationship… right? If sex is the hill, then there’s probably no reason not to just go for it, but if you’re trying to build momentum for dating/a relationship, you have to ask if sex *right now* is helping you or hurting you. Don’t get me wrong, I think sex is an important building block on putting a relationship together but, at the risk of jumping analogies, it’s kind of like a game of tetris in that you have to get the right pieces in the right order and positioned the right way to really build.

5. If he invites me over I say, I’m coming over and I’d love to have sex with you but not quite yet. And then we can have a hot make out session, usually with clothes mostly on. And then I enforce the boundary if I need to, and he starts to go there in the moment. (And don’t hold it against him!) I’m a highly sexual person too, but sometimes a PG13 make out session can be super hot.

   And if we talk about it, I say, I’d like to wait a few more dates to give him a sign it won’t be months and months before I want to engage in sex.

   Hope you have fun on your date!

6. You need to communicate. You know you can actually talk to him and tell him you like him but would like to get to know him some more before becoming intimate. If he is a sound guy he will respect your boundaries

7. I’ve had plenty of times where I make out with a girl and I start to get handsy to test the waters and she tells me she doesnt want to go further and *that’s okay*. Making out and cuddling is still enjoyable and intimate.

   >I always worry about leaving the other person horny and unsatisfied and I don’t enjoy that feeling either.

   Absolutely do not worry about this, especially in your 30s if a man cant deal with someone pumping the brakes and having to stop you are not going to like his personality. It speaks greatly of impulse control and selfishness.

8. its totally fine to fool around and not have sex. The taking it slow talk is totally fine, if they have a problem with that they might not be the right person at the moment

9. >how you do intimacy without having sex?

   You set up boundaries for yourself and you stick to them. I mean, if you want intimacy without sex, but admit that once you start getting intimate you want to have sex…then you need to change your process. If you feel you can’t hold back, maybe do something that will make you want to hold back. Not shaving does work? Wear some gross undies from the gym? 😀 I don’t know! Get up and walk away?? Whatever women might do to bolster their being able to say no sex easier.
   >I always worry about leaving the other person horny and unsatisfied and I don’t enjoy that feeling either. Oof, sigh.

   As long as you tell them you only want snuggles and no sex will happen, that’s not your concern. Wanting to wait for sex until there’s more of a connection is 100% OK. I’ve been there before. I’ve gone home without having sex and if I was that horny, I’d jerk off. Men know how to handle things on their own if getting off is that important.

10. I’m trying to do the same thing especially since I am now wondering if early sex clouded my judgement from the red flags if that makes sense.

11. I love sex and I miss it lol. But I wouldn’t just sleep with anyone because I’m horny. If I’m tempted to think of sex too soon I think what I’m going to feel like if the chemistry fades away and we go our separate ways after a few dates. Not worth the pain. It’s not like I get attached because of sex ( I have sex AFTER I get attached), I can consider them separately, but the pain of bu is way worse if you slept with someone.

    I felt very attracted to the last guy I dated, I was already fantasizing about how passionate it would be to sleep with him, but for a certain reason we cut it off and I’m so glad that I didn’t sleep with him. I still think a lot about him, so it’s bad enough as it is.

    I won’t sleep with a guy unless we dated for a while and we had at least one major conflict that we mastered in an adult way

12. Don’t just say you want to take it slow. That’s a very ambiguous phrase that could mean anything. Be explicit and say that you don’t want to have sex. He may follow up and ask what you are ok with, so be prepared to answer that.

    I actually find intimacy in a variety of ways. Do you have a boardwalk, riverwalk, or something similar? Christmas lights will be up soon. Walking through a pretty area holding hands, or you holding his arm, is very romantic and intimate to me. Even better if you have something else that elevates the mood, e.g. hot chocolate or ice cream.

    Personally I wouldn’t suggest going to his house. To do what? Watch another movie after the one you just watched. It will most likely turn into at least heavy kissing.

    ETA – Mature guys won’t feel bad for not having sex. What gets frustrating is when a girl is a tease and pushes you to be really turned on and THEN decides they don’t want to have sex. Me getting turned on when you say there is no sex is on me.

13. The best way for me to keep it PG is to not go to their place/have them over for awhile. You can kiss in the car. Also having 🍆 blockers in your schedule helps! Make that doctor appointment for 7 am the next day or get groceries delivered at 9 pm on the night of your date. Things that encourage you to get straight home after the date and not go inside for sexy times.

    I’m wirh you and could have written this myself. I love sex but it’s been feeling empty and just not as enjoyable when I barely know the person. It wasn’t as important to vet people when I wasn’t sure what I wanted. But now that I’m looking for long-term I want to figure out if I even like them and if there are any major deal breakers I could screen out for sooner than later. It’s hard! But worth it I think.

    These strategies worked for me. Much fewer # of sexual partners this year than last year. Still no boyfriend though 😄.

14. Communicate. I met someone last week who I’m really hitting it off with. I *love* sex and over the last couple of years have moved really fast to get physical, which was fine for the period of time in my life (I was with my high school sweetheart for literally half my life). Now this year I’ve slowed down drastically and being more mindful. So, after a second date things got hot and heavy, and I clearly stated that I was not going to sleep with him that night as I like him and want to take it slow and not rush. He respected that, so we stuck with making out, and eventually agreed to watch a show because who likes being sexually frustrated? 😂😂 When we do finally have sex, that build up with be so worth it.

15. “I am really excited about having sex with you, but I want to spend a bit more time getting to know each other first. So I’m not coming back to your place just yet. Let’s make out in the parking lot for a few minutes.” If he is any kind of worth it, he will take that kiss.

    Also … do women really pass up a perfectly good opportunity to fuck because they HAVEN’T SHAVED???

16. I clearly need more action in my life if kissing and cuddling is considered a let down rather than something exciting. 🤣

17. Just come up with dates that aren’t near either of your house and have a exit strategy (early meeting the next morning, dinner with family etc).

18. Just don’t go to his place until you are ready to go all the way.
    You can make out and touch in the car after a date, that can build intimacy and excitement. Have boundaries set out for yourself before you start.

19. Talk about it.

20. Steven Harvey 3 month rule.

21. If you don’t drink and go to his place that will pretty much get you out of the hookup.

22. There are many sexual acts in addition to intercourse you can enjoy.