Please I need advice I cannot talk about this with anyone in my life
We have been together 4 years, the relationship we have between us is great. Healthy, fun, lots of effort, passionate. He treats me very well, prioritizes me, listens to me and I do the same for him.
The problem is that he is not as ambitious as me. I’ve always been attracted to intelligence and someone who challenges me. He is a hard worker, and makes the effort towards his goal but he often falls short and, I hate to say it, it makes me feel less attracted to him.
I know I sound so shallow, but I never let him feel that way. I always help him, advise him & encourage him to keep working hard. The emotional, and loving part of our relationship is very much there, but he isn’t as stimulating towards my mind & doesn’t impress me in that department.
It is likely I’ll be the breadwinner for our family, which is not what I want for myself but I could be okay with it. I believed in him very much, which is why we began dating in the first place. I still do, but after so long I’m starting to lose hope. I know that were still young, do you think it will change? am I being shallow?
I’ve always felt that even tho he’s not the most successful/intelligent, at least I have someone who loves me and treats me right. But watching all of my friends date smart, successful men that also treat them right makes me jealous. Why can’t I have both?
We’ve been wanting to get engaged for a while now, but he doesn’t have a solid career. Did I make a mistake falling in love too early? I know we love each other deeply, but is that enough?
TL;dr: my bf of 4 years is not as ambitious as me, I love him but I’m losing attraction. Am I being shallow?
15 comments
You’re being shallow if it’s exclusively about his level of success, but if the lack of success is revealing a part of his personality you don’t like, then that’s not shallow, it just is what it is.
But don’t compare your life to the lives of people around you. That’s a recipe for disaster because everyone has challenges no one else knows about, and whatever you think about their lives, you are wrong. All you need to compare is who you are today vs. Who you were yesterday.
Hard to say if you’re being shallow or not without more details on what “success” means in this post and how he “falls short”, I have no idea if you’re talking about some practical life impacting matters or just superficial nonsense.
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>but he isn’t as stimulating towards my mind
Now if you straight up just don’t like talking to him, the success stuff might not even matter much.
Could you take a bit of time to think through what attracted you to him in the first place, and what has kept you coming back day after day for the past four years? Have you really been with someone you think is a dummy for your entire adult life, wondering if him being “nice” is enough to … eventually overcome your feelings that you could do better?
Your question of “is love enough” is the wrong question (in addition, the answer is always No — if you’re trying to use Love as the starting point, you’re dooming yourself — love is something that comes from a foundation).
The correct question is just whether you love him or not. And just based on your post … doesn’t sound like you do. Sounds like you enjoy what he does for you, but spend your days wishing he were someone different.
You are being you and you are expressing how you really feel AND you’re hiding it from the person you say that you love. As I see it there’s no way that you should marry him when you don’t fully respect him as it feels like a formula for a lot of pain and expense on down the road.
No. Love will not be enough. It is possible that he may become successful later in life, but to be honest, if you are thr breadwinner, he will likely fall into acceptance and end up never improving. If you break up, there is a possibility that he may motivate himself.
I married young, and assumed that my husband would eventually “grow up”, and it never happened. We ended up divorcing. He had a lot of resentment towards me, for being more successful, even though he didn’t even try. In the past couple of years, my new business really took off and even though we have now been divorced for a very long time, he is even more resentful
Is your issue more with fact that he doesn’t seem as ambitious or that he might not make as much?
Comes down to how you envision a long term future with your partner.
My sister dated a nice guy from 20-25. They were compatible however he lacked drive. He went with the flow career wise and didn’t really push to achieve more. If he was working a job that generated enough to get by, that was enough for him because he doesn’t spend a lot. My sister on the other hand is career focused. She told me she ended it because he had no ambition.
She ended up marrying a guy who is career driven like her. They’ve done well for themselves and she has no regrets.
> Why can’t I have both?
You can, but not with him. In pursuing this you have to give him up, and run the risk that it takes time to find someone.
Can you talk about this with him? If not, you’ve got lots of time to end things and find the right person.
My advice for you is that every one brain is different . I think I was pretty smart can hold an intelligent conversation but one of my friends can literally take a car apart and put it back together like it was nothing .. my friends is great with his hands and build incredible gadgets but not very book smart .. can’t hold down a job .. so intelligent and success is two different thing in my opinion .. can you live without your bf and have the same boring “ intelligent conversation “ because I been there before it’s gets boring after awhile or have love and someone who actually cares for you
Intelligence /= ambition
If thats even a question, you really doesn’t deserve his love and should break up with him at once. Don’t waste his time.
Too often we ask our partner to be all things to us.
If he is kind, supportive, emotionally available and fulfilling to you in every other way except intellectually… have you tried filling that one gap with something other than your partner?
Make work friends, join women’s business leagues, join a local strategy based board game group. There are a million ways to stimulate yourself intellectually and professionally, for me that’s not a need I expect my partner to fulfill. Sure it’s a nice to have but I wouldn’t end an otherwise fairytale romance over it.
Finding someone who loves you, communicates well, tends to your needs, is thoughtful and shows you his love in a variety of ways that speaks to you, supports you in your career and at home… these are the things that are hard to find.
Also To note: I am a career person and was married to a career person. It didn’t work because neither of us had time for each other, the relationship, or to build the home and family we both wanted. There were MANY other reasons it didn’t work but he was certainly intellectually stimulating, I’ll give him that.
When you say his lack of success makes you find him less attractive can it maybe be a deep rooted fear that you may one day end up supporting him?
Set him free so you don’t grow to hate him for being him. I’m sure you’ll fall for a fellow resident anyway.
I wouldn’t know but if this hasn’t happened, have you asked each other what success means to each of you? If not then you should because success comes in different shapes and forms, eg. success for one person could mean having a family whilst another could be running a business.
Then question yourself what the relationship “as a whole” means to you. Why are you here? What is it all about for you? What is it all about for “him”?
As for the attraction aspect that you find intelligence attractive, I say that people have their flaws. It’s just a matter of are you willing to accept this specific flaw over the other great attributes he has.
Main advice: write down his flaws and best attributes and see which one weighs out the other. From there you can decide weather you want to stay or move on.