I started masturbating at too young of an age, was exposed to porn pretty early as well. I think the longest I’ve ever gone was two days (if that). I have masturbated compulsively in very weird places, wrong times, and felt so shameful and disgusting. I depend on sex/masturbation for sleep, dopamine, validation and so much more. I scroll through porn sites for too long, get bored, find myself obsessing have sexualized this behavior and I am disgusted by that (even having a entire reddit account and eventually 0F which DISGUSTS me now). I have sexualized every aspect of myself, and my entire life and I don’t know how to stop. I got cheated on, immediately sexualized it and now can’t stop with that fantasy even though it’s destroying me. The things I masturbate to, and fantasize about actually make me feel disgusted with myself and sad. I don’t know how to stop. I lay next to my partner at night, wait for him to fall asleep, and get myself off, even if we have sex. My partner went away to rehab (for substance but had bad porn addiction as well) and actually is doing great now, no masturbation, no porn and I feel so guilty that now I am worse than I’ve ever been in my life. I can’t go on living this way but I don’t believe I can ever change. It’s not sexy, hot, or fun it’s literally draining, and disgusting and stopping me from having a normal sex life and relationships. Has anyone ever gone through this? I know it’s pretty common for males, but for females it’s so hard to even open up about this because I feel like a weirdo quite honestly. Please do not tell me to embrace it, i’ve tried that and it does not help. This is embarrassing and straight up pathetic behavior.
2 comments
Well if you are done, then it is time to seek out assistance.. a sex positive therapy that uses Cognitive Behavioral Therapy would be an excellent choice.
They will not want to dismantle your personality, what they will help you do is develop tools for managing your life.
Good luck.
The descriptive words you are using, such as: disgusting, guilty, pathetic and embarrassing, show how upset you are with this addiction, but you should know that an addiction of any kind (e.g. alcoholism, drug addiction, shopping addiction, etc) is a mental health issue and there should not be shame attached to it.
You need help to get over this addiction, but try to not be so hard on yourself. You are a human who is trying to get through life and life isn’t easy. I am not saying to just continue as you are going, but please don’t feel so badly about yourself. You are not your addiction. You have strengths, positive attributes and many good qualities and you can get through this.