I (F23) am in a semi-healthy relationship with my partner (M24) and I want to be single. I say semi, because we’ve been together for 3 years and in that time it’s been shakey because of my anxiety and in turn I’d make him more stressed. I also didn’t have the capacity to love anyone, not even myself, so I took him for granted a lot. Not saying he was perfect, but I’m realizing my faults in this more recently. Things are just now getting to a point where we can have a healthy and thriving adult relationship.
However, I want to be single. I’m a serial monogamist who looked for love in the form of boys and only thing I could offer was sex. Home life wasn’t horrible but I DEFINITELY had serious Mommy issues. I didn’t participate in any extracurricular activities or anything other than hanging out with friends and wishing to grow up faster. No self worth or anything of that nature.
So, from 12 years old, I’ve jumped from LTR to LTR (2 year plus relationships) with about a week break in between and I’d just pour all of my attention into them and offer them sex because I literally hated myself and was just so happy someone was giving me attention and validation.
Now I’m 23, on my 4th relationship, that started at 20 when I was really down bad. Ever since the beginning of the relationship I expressed how I wasn’t ready and needed to be single bc I just need the space and every time I’d bring it up he’d convince me that I can grow in the relationship. I stayed knowing that was not true. I needed to be seriously selfish, and learn to love myself without molding myself to be what someone else wanted. To have my own ideas, interests, hobbies, friends.
I recently moved half way across the country, and now we are in a long distance relationship. In this time I have been able to be as selfish, and I’ve grown so much. However, I can’t shake the feeling of wanting to be single.
Spending literally half of my life chasing boys and being something to somebody has severely stunted my personal development. Yes, I’ve learned many lessons in these relationships, but cautionary tales, not about self love.
I feel like I’ve missed out on pivotal development and just experiencing MYSELF and who I am outside of making future plans to include someone else, and compromising to make someone else happy as well. I just want to be happy on my own, know me on my own and that would require leaving a healthy relationship.
I love my boyfriend so much, even if I couldn’t show it till now. I want to experience myself by myself . But now, I just want to love me and I don’t want to hurt him with my selfish ways anymore. I’m not wholeheartedly ready to plan a whole life with someone at this point, but I’m not sure if I’m being irrational.
TLDR; 23F who is a serial monogamist since 12y/o has only dreamed of someone loving her due to SEVERE lack of self love and self worth is in a pretty healthy relationship, but feels the need to be single in the name of personal growth.
Question: Am I being irrational/is this a good reason to end a relationship?
5 comments
Maybe see if your partner is open to taking a break. No guarantees that you would get back together, but I would agree that being single for awhile seems like a healthy path for you.
> Am I being irrational
No
> Is this a good reason to end a relationship?
Yes. If you don’t want to be in a relationship then don’t be in one. That is all there is to it.
yes, you need to be single.
>Ever since the beginning of the relationship I expressed how I wasn’t ready and needed to be single bc I just need the space and every time I’d bring it up he’d convince me that I can grow in the relationship. I stayed knowing that was not true.
So you never wanted to be in this relationship but just went with it anyway?
Yeah, break up with him and be single. Incredibly douchebaggy of him to steamroller you into it in the first place, but hindsight is 20/20 and all that…
Honestly, people don’t need good or bad reasons to end the relationship, you either want to be in a relationship or you don’t. IMO, what’s important is how you end it to minimize long term pain for both of yall. If you don’t want to be in this relationship anymore (or at all to begin with), then you should absolutely end it, but I suspect you already made this decision and want Reddit to help with the guilt.
I had a mix of short and long term relationships throughout my years in school, but let me tell you that the years in my 20s I spent single after college allowed me to: 1) focus on my career and find a passion that I definitely didn’t study for in college, 2) improve my relationship with my family and form lasting friendships, 3) picked up new hobbies I couldn’t afford before, 4) solo traveled, 5) focus on my mental health and traumas, and 6) learned how to be on my own and enjoy my own company.
I get why people are afraid to be on their own, but there’s something magical about being able to go out and eat by yourself in a restaurant and order whatever you want and whenever you want without being tied to someone financially and physically. Given that both people are young and still growing, you could be in a relationship for a LONG time before you either get married or find out the relationship does not have a future and with those odds, I would not trade my 20s during which I lived my life on my own terms for one that might involve me settling in a relationship that does not fulfill me. If anything, that person would need to convince me that time spent with them would be better than time spent alone.
Finding self love and acceptance is a journey not for the faint of heart. You might have issues that can take years to unravel in therapy and perhaps even more by yourself, but the end result means that you learn how to love the other people in your life without giving up love for yourself. Start now and do not procrastinate because you cannot turn back time.