Why is it so difficult to make new male friends in your 30’s?

36 comments

  2. People in their 30s are usually all tied up with existing friends, young families, and career obligations.

  3. I’m too busy

    And in the free time I do have, I want to spend that time with my husband or daughters

  4. It’s not hard to make friends in your thirties and beyond. The thing is most guy’s haven’t properly developed their social skills earlier in life. When you’re in high school, college, or trade school It’s easy to meet people. It’s like a cheat code! By default you’ll see the same people multiple times a week and in a classroom setting. Plus you already have common goals and interests.

    Those places above do all the heavy lifting. Meeting friends there is like playing bowling with the bumpers and having a coach from a professional bowling league. Anyone could have a good score in a game with those benefits.

    At thirty plus you have to put yourself out there in a position to meet people. There’s plenty of places you can socialize at any age. You have to take charge and meet people. Making friends in your 30’s isn’t hard at all. Making friends at any stage of life shouldn’t be a challenge……if you’ve developed the proper social skills. If not you’ll have to grow as a person.

  5. Probably due to men being more likely to be working longer hours than women. But also because women have better emotional intelligence and have better friendships than men also contributes to this disproportionate comparison.

  6. If you’re single with no kids, they’re typically all tied to their families. They never have time or feel like they’re allowed by their wives to do the activities you want to do. If they’re divorced their typically jaded people to be around, and they just drain you with their problems. As you age you also just stop giving a fuck what other people want to do, and do what you please.

  7. Male friendships generally form around spending time together, and adults in their 30s tend to have less time to spend on things like that. With family and career expectations, it’s tough maintaining your existing friendships much less making new ones.

  8. In your 30s, you stop being in social situations that naturally put you in contact with new people, except for maybe your job. But even at your job, people aren’t there to socialize.

    To make new friends, you must seek out situations that set you up for success. Even better if you can find a group built around a common interest in something you enjoy. Like basketball? For example, find a pickup game or rec league in your area and play.

    Or another option; look for a local men’s group and start attending meetings. Those groups are built around socializing, and the people there are coming to find connections or be in support of one another. Even better, many of these groups are built to foster more open communication between men, so it’s easier to find people who aren’t emotionally shut off. They’re also usually built around supporting men in the group. For example, two members of my group are in a small band together, so when they play a local gig, men from the group almost always get together to attend and give their support.

  9. I’ve not really found it difficult to make friends. Im not saying it’s not effort, but it’s not hard.

    I think the difficulty is putting yourself into a situation where you’re likely to meet people. Easiest way I’ve found is to take a class in something you’re interested in, e.g. woodworking or photography.

    There is a gay friendship route, but I get down voted every time I mention the G word so I’ll leave that one alone lol.

  11. Too busy.

    I work Mon-Friday, have a 6-month old baby to keep alive, and on weekends I have to run errands or take care of shit around the house. On top of needing to keep up with my family and already-existing friend group.

    There’s not much time for a new friend to squeeze in there. I’m exhausted as it is finding time to hang out with my current friends, who are now spread out and live an hour+ away

  12. Make per friendship is not something you are taught to prioritize, so, when faced with competing obligations it gets pushed to the bottom and never gets to come up for air. This is happening to most guys, so even if you prioritize it, others aren’t.

  14. It’s only as difficult as you make it. Most of the people on this sub and others who have the same question put up walls and roadblocks for themselves that prevent them from socializing, putting themselves out their and cultivating meaningful relationships.

    But as for your question the reason it feels harder is two-fold.

    1. Most people are no longer in school where you’re around like-minded peers for 9 hours a day and get to know people in a seemingly organic setting. Your options/electives often bridge interest between yourself and other guys.

    2. A lot of men are slowing down, and their life priorities are changing and don’t always align with the people they hung out with in their teens and 20’s.

  15. I find that men in general have been tricked into believing that other men have zero interest in a friendship with them. If a guy I met had similar interests to mine, and we could engage in each other’s lives, I would be open to a new friendship. Even if they said “would you want to go do something with me? I don’t have a lot of friends”, I would be open. That takes a lot of courage to admit something like that.

  17. I personally got better at it in my 30’s but I would guess it’s from the fact most of us have jobs and families with little time for much else

  18. I honestly feel like as you grow up it’s harder to make new friends, you tend to put trust in lesser and lesser people.

  19. I have people I want to hang out with but I don’t have time to. I don’t need more people I don’t have time to see.

  20. You don’t really. Better hope you have friends already. For those of us who have been left behind by life in terms of the family thing because women have ignored us our whole life, it just means you’ll be doing a lot more things alone. Get used to being alone.

  21. There is a book on my list that discussed this topic; Bowling Alone: Revised and Updated: The Collapse and Revival of American Community. I think we need to bring back more clubs-

  23. Cuz men are Lazy…
    You literally have to set the entire event up. For them to leave the house

  26. It’s not hard. Just a lot of 30 year olds seem to have forgotten that you make friends by getting out and doing things with people who have a common interest. If you don’t get out then you don’t make new friends.

    You’re not in school anymore where being surrounded by people at a similar stage in life (school) and at least some shared interests (classes/clubs/sports/etc) are given. You have to make an active effort to go out and put yourself in a place where you’re around people with a shared interest. Once you do that step though making friends is easy.

    Take fitness classes, find a board game meetup, join a rowing club, go to your game store for dungeons and dragons games, join the SCA. There are a million options out there. Go find whatever one caters to your interests.

  27. I thought it was until I started up some old hobbies again. Since then, I’ve made plenty of new acquaintances, one or two of whom I can reasonably call “friend”.

    If you’re having trouble making friends, might be worth considering what social situations you’re putting yourself in that are conducive to making friends.

  28. No time!
    It’s already a logistical nightmare to see my current friends, spend time with my wife, work and sleep 8 hours a day. We’re do I find the time to make new friends?

  29. Wait until you hit 40. If it weren’t for work, I don’t think I’d have anyone to shoot the shit with. Everyone my age has domestic things to deal with just like me.

  30. I feel like I meet a ton of people that want to be friends with me but I don’t really want to be friends with them. It’s a lot to invest in a relationship. If it happens, it happens. I’m not going to stress over it and spend a bunch of my time on it unless I’m sure this will be different than all the other friends I’ve had. It needs to be something truly special for me to prefer the company of someone else over myself.

  31. I literally just sat down and it 8:30 pm I was up at 5 am and sat and Sunday is family time and house work . I have no friends lol

  32. Not quite in my 30s but late 20s and I seem to meet more genuine people willing to learn who I was and be much less judgemental than highschool or college, maybe my 30s will get worse but idk it seems like it is easier to meet people maybe not exactly my age but similar none the less

  34. 1 If you have immigrated to a new country (from a non-European country) then it is nearly impossible to make friends.

    2 Lack of male spaces. Even a single female can entirely change the dynamic of a group consisting of men.

    3 Obligations of family, work and the pressure of climbing the socioeconomic ladder.

    4 Men who are dejected, dispirited, or even mildly depressed tend to withdraw from social interactions. The last thing on their mind is to make new friends.

    Best ways to make male friends (from personal experience)

    1 Graduate school. This is not true for all universities, however, depending on the discipline and the culture at the university, it is very much possible.

    2 A team sport like rugby, soccer, or even a serious jiujitsu/MMA place.

    3 Gym, if you happen to join a powerlifting/weightlifting group.

  36. My husband does really good in this area. We met when he was 30 and we’ve moved to 5 different cities, 3 different states the last 12 years and he’s always made new friends everywhere we’ve lived. He did this by:
    – Volunteer to help in anyway he can. If he sees a neighbor laying down sods, he’ll offer his help.
    – If anyone is working on a project, whether they’re building a deck or putting a play house together for their kids, he’ll hop over the fence and help.
    – He loves to cook and is an excellent cook. He would smoke a brisket, grill a whole octopus, or throw on a Mediterranean meal and hosts a feast for friends and neighbors.
    – He loves to throw parties. There is always a reason to invite someone over and feed them.
    – He is an amazing father and would set up play time for our child with other dads. This is a great strategy to build positive relationships with their wives.
    – His hobbies range from sky diving to scuba diving and everything in between: mountain biking, tennis, wrestling, martial arts, rock climbing, skiing, wake surfing, ect. You name it. He’s not shy at inviting people to join our adventures.

    He is persistent and super thoughtful. He’s just a joy to be around. I think because his job is very technical and stressful, all the aforementioned is his creative outlet.

    We do a lot together as a family but we always encourage him to do stuff by himself with his guy friends. Oftentimes, I have to text the wives so their husbands can come over. I would much rather the boys hang out at the backyard and have a few drinks than having to drive home after a few cocktails.

    Yes, trying to make friends after 30 requires a lot more effort and coordination. Not just your schedule, their schedule but sometimes is their wives/gfs/kids’ schedules as well.

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