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A little backstory happened exactly a year ago on Easter I was wearing a slightly fitted dress that went past my knees and covered the length of my arms and neck. My mother and I were walking to the car when my grandmother and her brother my uncle pulled up soon as he got out the car he said damn girl you look fine. Me and my mom both had a sour face nevertheless we both got in the car and we both started talking about how that was weird and a little inappropriate.
Without my knowledge he also made another comment about my appearance while me and mom were out picking up some things.
Upon arriving back to the house my mother and I decided to sit outside for a little bit and he decided to come outside and said if you weren’t my niece I’d ——- (he wasn’t able to say the rest because my mom intervened and said she’s your niece you’re being inappropriate).
I decided to tell my aunt because we had a strong relationship and her come back was maybe you shouldn’t dress that way because men will be men and I told her do not even tell me that. And we kept arguing back-and-forth. I just decided to get my stuff and leave luckily all my things were already near the door.
Over the year my grandma has asked me to forgive him and even asked me if I could go to his birthday to which I said no. They dropped it for a while but now today not even 30 minutes ago my aunt called and said grandma wants to know if you’ll be OK with uncle Jerry coming to Easter I answered he could come but I will not be going. It took a lot out of me to say it because in that same sentence I was saying I choose myself.
Then my aunt decided to throw in my face how I was sexually assaulted by my coach, she thinks I am transferring those feelings onto this situation. Making me feel further gaslit even feeling maybe I am doing too much.
My whole life they told me to let them know when suspicious things happened to me and when I finally speak up this is what happens.
Although she did say she rather have me at Easter than him and he’s not going to be coming anymore.
I am honestly feeling gaslit. There are some parts of me feeling that maybe I am doing too much.
17 comments
You did the right thing. You are his niece, even if you are naked, he shouldn’t said those comments or even think about them, that’s not okay!
Glad you choose yourself. What your aunt said is stupid.
You keep standing up for yourself. Uncle is a creepy man and you do not need to be near him!!
What kind of creepy ass uncle says stuff like this to their neice? Anybody would be weirded out by this.
Your dress sounds far from revealing, and frankly you could be wearing jeans and a t shirt and creepy men will still sexualize you.
Good on you for standing your ground and not giving into your grandma, and more-so, your aunt. They made it clear that they don’t value your comfort and that they’re willing to shelter a creep, so it’s probably best to keep your distance from your uncle. Also, huge shout out to your mom.
Don’t go anyway, this look like the kind of situation where they say he is not coming so you can come instead but he will be there and they will say things like “it’s the only way we knew you’d come” or if nothing happend they will say “he didn’t do it again, you can forgive him now” Be careful, they do not seem to care about your feeling.
You are absolutely in the right here. Yes they are gaslighting you (finally a situation where the word is used correctly, which sucks for you of course). Your mom has your back and that’s important.
Whats also important is for you to not cave. Yes it causes strain and yes its hard. But they are trying to brush it off and they even use your trauma as a weapon which is just horrible. If you want to have a relationship with them regardless, but cannot deal with this, you could try and convince them otherwise. Send them articles about rape culture and whatever you can find (if you feel capable of handling that emotionally). Maybe they’ll learn. But if they don’t, none of this is your fault. Its theirs.
You did the right thing and you are STILL doing the right thing by not being anywhere near that creep.
And FUCK your aunt too……..Tell EVERYONE what she “threw in your face”.
Continue to stand up for yourself and BE PROUD of yourself, because you SHOULD be!!!!!!!
It sounds like a lot of people are apologizing for him, but is he actually apologetic? Has he reached out to your mom?
Knowing you were SA’d by your coach, they should be more cautious, not less.
I’d be very leery about going for Easter. I’d hate for him to just “surprise, I’m here” and it was planned all along.
I’m sorry. 🥺
Keep being strong and standing up for yourself. Don’t let anyone pressure you into a situation where you are uncomfortable.
Side note…my first thought when reading was a snarky reply to him. “If you weren’t my uncle I would kick you in the balls and have the cops haul you away.”
Thank you I’m trying my best to keep it together it’s kind of hard when you don’t really have a support system anymore.
Block the aunt.
I’m so proud of you. You were assaulted by your coach, yes. But this isn’t you overreacting, or seeing things that aren’t there. This is you saying, No, I’ve learned where casual sexism, verbal harassment, and inappropriate sexualization leads, and I won’t let it slide ever again. It is *not* innocent, and it is *not* something that *you* deserve to be held accountable for — your uncle is the only person who chose to say those things. Stay strong 💛
First off OP, that’s a terrible thing that’s happened to you and your feelings are valid. Don’t let anyone make you think they aren’t.
But secondly, if I were you, I wouldn’t go to the Easter celebration. Even though your aunt said he wouldn’t be there, I wouldn’t be surprised if he “popped up”x, especially considering how she and your grandmother already gaslit you. Not saying for sure, but she could just be lying to get you there.
*My whole life they told me to let them know when suspicious things happened to me and when I finally speak up this is what happens.*
Not unusual , it’s easy to throw the book at people you don’t care about but as soon as it’s closer to home they call you out for being mistaken or too hard on them.
Hold firm …… you know what happened and how it made you feel , if they can’t appreciate that then it’s their problem.
> if you weren’t my niece I’d ——-
Oh, this reminds me of something my mom’s friend said to me. “If I was 20 years younger, you were definitely going to bed with me, sugar”. Bear in mind that I was 16 and even if she was “20 years younger”, she would’ve been 24.
Your uncle is a grade A creep. Stay away from him at all costs.
Your uncle is a creep. I can’t imagine anyone thinking that saying these things aloud is acceptable. He’s disrespecting his niece and his wife.
FFS, it doesn’t matter if you are waking around naked, it doesn’t give him the right to comment on your body.
This nonsense of “men are men” should be insulting to all the men out there. This isn’t how men behave, this is how a child who cannot control themselves behaves.
Just remember your aunt and grandma will always try to minimize what happened for selfish reasons.
For your aunt to acknowledge what actually happened to you, she would have to admit that the man she has built a life with and continues to build a life with is a disgusting animal. She wants this to be smoothed over so she can go back to not facing reality. She is desperate to find a narrative where her husband’s actions don’t look so bad.
The most important thing now for your grandma at this stage in her life is a big happy family. How can she accept what has really happened, if she is actively trying to get the two of you into the same room and acting civil to one another for the next big family dinner?
A normal response would be, your family to come crashing down on your uncle. There is nothing that can justify or minimize his inappropriate behavior.