I understood why nobody wanted to be my friend in high school. I was very shy, anxious, and often didn’t try at all when it came to talking to others. Plus, high school kids just generally are more judgemental, so if you didn’t fit in EXACTLY, chances are that they would leave you out for no real reason.
But now I’m in college, I’ve started working on my social skills very hard. I used to pick up social skills by seeing how people spoke online, but now I’ve started picking up the social habits and mannerisms of the community around me, cause logically, it would help me get along with people in that community, right? I’ve put myself out there more as well. I join events, I strike up conversations with classmates I don’t know. Not only that, but based on my observations, the college kids around me are much nicer than high school kids and seem to easily befriend other strangers/introverts around us.
I feel like this all should mean that I’d have an easier time making friends, right? I mean, I’ve picked up the lingo, I no longer shy away, I try making active conversations with people. But somehow, people still seem so disinterested with me. They would be polite enough to respond to me, but I feel like I have to give CPR to the conversation every few minutes, and once we’re done, I’m sure I left no impression at all. Mind you, these are people who make active effort to befriend introverts and shy kids around us.
It’s not like my conversational topics are bland, or like I say anything out of the ordinary. I just make typical college-student-conversation, I try to be polite, I hear about their interests that we have in common and go “Hey, I like that too!” and try to build a conversation on that. Still, nobody ever seems to have any interest at all in talking to me after that.
If it matters, I’ve been suspected to have autism. I heard that people have some sort of instinctive aversion towards autistic people, even if they don’t notice it. But I don’t think I have a severe version of it, if I have it at all, because I do think I can read social cues well enough, most of the time, and I don’t think it impacts my daily life too much.
Anyways, is there something about me that people see that I don’t, that makes them so disinterested with me? Is there a secret to socialising that I’m missing out on? I’m so lonely it’s starting to really get me down. I feel like most days, I don’t even verbally say anything because there’s nobody to talk with. Anyone can come shed some light and give some tips? Anyone relate at all to this?
3 comments
My school years were exactly like yours, lonely and shy. But once I went to university, I have noticed that peope there got devided into their internal groups, based on the lifestyle, income, habits and so on. I was still able to find a way to speak with everyone, but communication with many of these people felt off and awkward. However I did succeed to find a group of people with interests, habits and style closest to those of mine.
Maybe you are spreading yourself too thin trying to communicate with everyone at once? Maybe you should concentrate on a small group or several individuals who are closest to you by their nature?
Funny that you mentioned having to give CPR to conversations! My new Youtube channel is called “CPR For Your Social Life.” (just started it this month so it doesn’t have a ton of videos yet, but I’m working on it!)
Anyway, there’s an acronym I use for traits people find almost universally attractive, I call them ECHO: Enthusiasm, Confidence, Humor & Optimism. Most people don’t have all four of those, but if you can develop two that’s a big step forward.
God, I wish I had answers instead of just a “haha relatable,” but here we are. I’ve at least found that the people who are disinterested probably wouldn’t be your friend anyways, and the age-old advice of “find people who share your interests” tends to leave out that common ground doesn’t always mean compatibility.
A better system I’ve found is friends of **good** friends, not just friends. If someone I connect with on an emotional level and have shared history with has friends, more often than not I’ll like them and get along.
Beyond that, all I can really say is I totally get the ‘am I autistic?’ and the ‘essentially neurotypical’ feel. You’re not alone, if that’s any comfort.