I mostly lurk here, but I’d like to say something about this comment I often see on posts where someone is reaching out for support with a problem they’re having with their spouse.
I married a man who, by his own admission, lied and misrepresented himself in order to obtain me as a partner. When I met him, and while we were dating and engaged, he was everything I ever wanted in a husband. I had basically given up on men when I met him, but he was different. He was kind, funny, caring. He swept me off my feet.
I was very up front with what I did and did not want in a partner: I wanted someone who enjoyed spending time with me, who planned dates and made birthdays and anniversaries special (my love languages are gifts and quality time), and who was thoughtful and considerate. I did not want a husband who used unkind words or had any kind of anger issues, who was in any way unfaithful, or who was an alcoholic (in short nothing like my dad or my grandfather). He assured me he would never be that way, and he showed me that in his actions as well. We got married, and for a while everything was fine.
He dropped the act right after I’d given birth to our second child. Between our wedding day and then, he had been somewhat emotionally neglectful, but I chalked that up to his stressful job (military) and the fact that we weren’t newlyweds anymore; the honeymoon phase had to end sometime, right? But he fully emotionally abandoned me at that point. He also cheated on me with a coworker, subscribed to Onlyfans creators (knowing I considered that cheating), made a dating profile on a site specifically for cheating on your spouse, and hid an alcohol addiction from me. I found out about multiple other major lies, as well as a few incidents I still suspect him of not being 100% truthful about. I didn’t find out about any of it until after I was tied to him for life through our kids.
Every time I see the comment “well why’d you marry them if they were like that?” it really bothers me. Yes, some people do expect their partner to change after marriage, but a lot of people marry the other person believing that they are who they say they are. I did everything right on paper, we even went to premarital counseling. People change over the years, of course, but my husband was Jekyll and Hyde, and he admits it. He basically just told me what he thought I wanted to hear because he didn’t want to be lonely when he moved for his job and because I was hot and he liked being seen with me.
If anything, he was the one who expected ME to change. I’m the epitome of a basic bitch, I’m into hair and makeup, reality TV, pop music, Pinterest, etc, but he wanted me to be into tabletop gaming, playing pool, metal music, Game of Thrones, shit like that. I’ve never pretended to be into those things and have even given them a chance, but they’re not my thing, and he held that against me and used it as a reason for cheating and ignoring me.
Before anyone says “well your husband is just a psychopath”, that very well could be, but my experience is not at all uncommon. We all present the best of ourselves at the beginning of a relationship, but a lot of people just want to be partnered and will do and say whatever they have to in order to make that happen, and can’t keep up the act forever. I don’t want to make it a gender/orientation thing, so I can only speak for myself being a wife with a husband who lied and misrepresented himself.
I’m just calling on people to be a little more empathetic than to make these comments. People who post here probably do so because they don’t have much of a support system (or they do and they don’t want to voice their marriage issues to people they know). Blaming people for not being able to predict the future doesn’t help them.
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Yes or when they tell you to leave him, divorce etc as if it was this simple.
Usually, people are asked if their partner has always been this way. In your case, the answer would be “No”. Your husband actively deceived you, which isn’t your fault and is honestly sufficient reason to leave the marriage.
What you are referring to is when someone marries their partner expecting a behavior to change after marriage. They are two entirely different circumstances.
My favorite response whenever I complain about my husband and I get the, “well you knew who you were marrying,” is to hit them with “and he knew who he was marrying too.”
When you announced the divorce. And left him to contemplate that did he do anything meaningful to show you that he’s truly making good on changes so often promised but never fulfilled?
Any mentionable milestones reached that he could crutch on and say “this time is the difference”?
Speaking from the POV of a newly divorced husband who has written a poem everyday and set flower every week to my soon to be ex wife.
If he’s changing. And he’s seeing change through.
He will NEVER forget the fear of losing you and stop letting that drive him to always be better. To make every single day better than the last. To constantly judge himself in the mirror and ask himself if he is doing enough to deserve a woman like you.
God i feel this.
I was a victim of domestic violence, in all ways. I am CONSTANTLY told that I was stupid for being with him and that I should’ve seen the red flags from the get go..
As a child, I was emotionally neglected. All I ever craved was a hug, a touch, for someone to be proud of me. Because of this desperate need, I developed a very unhealthy mindset towards relationships, including ignoring red flags because they showed me love.
My most recent ex was just like your situation; a complete gentleman, swept me clean off my feet and it was bliss for months…until he started beating me. He destroyed my car and cellphone so I couldn’t escape, raped me, kept me locked in a room because in his drug filled paranoia, he was afraid I was going to kill HIM.
From the outside looking in, sure. I should’ve seen the signs. But I didn’t until he had already roped me in.
Sorry for the long post, yours spoke to me OP. Long story short; be kind. You just never know anyone’s situation beyond what you see on your phone screen.
Much love.
I agree.
The answer to most of this is “they weren’t like this before we married”.
Some people just don’t get it. I know exactly what you are saying.
Your story is more of the exception than the rule. Many people, by their own posts, show that this person was like this during their friendship, dating , co-habiting, and engagement phases of their relationships.
They chose to ignore it, didn’t think it mattered, or felt like the other person would ***change*** and then become so flabbergasted when they don’t.
But even in your OP, you talk about how he was emotional neglectful and you excused it for him being in the military and that “Honeymoon phase has to end sometimes”.
Then proceeded to have children with him and became “stuck”.
Your husband actively deceived you as to who he is. That’s downright wrong.
People respond in this way assuming that you know everything and have experienced everything so you should just know! But no one knows everything. No one always sees the red flags. There are so many things that can filter our reality and it is so unhelpful to just say “well you should have known” when someone goes through something completely new.
When I see comments like that I just think “oh it must be nice to be perfect, and never make mistakes 🙄”.
Ugh, I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. I’m in a similar place, tied to someone who even plays the “you knew what I was like when you moved in” card on me, his wife. Thing is, he wasn’t like that then. His addiction changed him.
I totally agree with the unhelpful, ignorant responses. Like “He’s a loser! Leave now!” “Why are you still married to him?” Some of us can’t just leave. I’m housebound with multiple chronic illnesses. I can barely string a sentence together some days because when I speak different words to what I’m thinking come out of my mouth. This is just one tiny facet of my daily life and it’s debilitating enough to form a barrier to my freedom. There are many other barriers keeping me here and it takes time to find ways to work around them and leave. It frustrates me when some people really don’t think about how complicated it can be to end a long term relationship.
I can say that your husband’s behaviour sounds similar to mine. He misrepresented himself and doesn’t understand how abusive he is because that’s what alcoholism does to addict’s brains.
Sorry if my response is rambling and long and talking about myself too much. I’m in an illness flare and my brain fog is badddd. Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone. I’m in Al-Anon and that’s helping me find strength and clarity regarding my AH’s behaviour. It may help you, too. There’s a sub on here. r/AlAnon.
It’s just so hard to imagine.
You spend SO Much Time with someone before a marriage. That in my eyes you know who they are.
I won’t believe I’d be surprised. But there are so many stories..
People change. In my case, my wife changed and dropped the facade after we got married and completely dropped it after our second kid was born. It’s just the way it is. It’s not always about why did you marry them when you have no clue the way they truly are. In my case, I am dealing with it for the sake of the kids and then I’m going to leave. I’m staying just to make sure the kids are safe and grow up without a mom who doesn’t really care about them (especially my youngest).
OP, you got this. This sub is reflective of hurt people as well as happy marriages. Among some of the hurt people are ones who are brought to an uncomfortable, angry place when they see trauma/abuse and their response sometimes is only to protect them. It’s hard to see the big picture on the internet, we only get a peak into lives.
Regardless of all of that, I do think this sub can be more supportive, kind, and have a better perspective. If you haven’t already, alanon is a great place for a supportive environment with people who have a deeper understanding of trauma, sadness and growth.
Take it a day at a time. ❤️
Someone posted today or yesterday that after marriage they found their husbands mannerisms to be “too feminine”. Was this a troll? Maybe. Did her husband suddenly display feminine mannerisms and an exaggerated “model walk” (in her words)? I think not. So offensive.
I find Reddit extremely polarized on these topics.
Like most of the time I guess Reddit is somewhat red up and seems to be knowledgeable about abuse and is good at calling out red flags etc
But my God its seems like on the other end you can have some of the most abominable comments threads in the opposite direct – some of things I’ve seen/read (sorry for calling anyone out)
– A man who was clearly being physically abused and suffering self-doubt – told he should not have ‘provoked’ his partner by standing up for himself
– A women being terrorized by a drunk driving husband who had taken her phone from her – Reddit condemned her for hitting him during the incident
– all too many posts of (usually women) not having being acting faithful enough and thusly its OK for their partners to make accusations and controlling manipulations.
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Sorry for your sitch OP – take care
Out of curiosity,how long did you date before marrying him. As he is in the military was he away from you for extended period of times?
I went through something very similar and finally got divorced when my kids were 6 and 8 and it was the best decision ever but it really isn’t ‘just leave’, there is so much more. Thank you for your story and I wish you luck!!
How long were you with your partner before having your first kid? I often say you should go through seasons of life with a person because one can only hide their true selfs for so long before it starts to show.
I think most people cannot mask who they truly are for 18-24 months. And then it takes some life experience to de-mask after that. How long were you together for before you married? And how old were you? This issue comes up much less if dating and living together for 2 years plus and being and experienced dater of 27+ years of age.
Reddit is not a nuanced or forgiving place. The gross majority of people who comment are doing it so they can look their most down on others and comfort themselves about their own shitty choices and mistakes not being ‘that bad’.
We always think we’d never be the ones to be in a certain situation but at one point or another in our lives, sometimes more than once, we are.
I’m sorry this is happening. I’m sorry humanity as a whole isn’t more empathetic.
our culture is vicitim-blaming: dyed in the wool & down to the ground from crime to relationships. & it’s almost always about people wanting to psychologically protect themselves from whatever situation you are describing befalling them one day. the worst thing that can happen is something beyond your control & making a set of “perfect” decisons will prevent that. many people can’t even help making these statements, it’s so embedded culturally that it’s an unconscious response. it makes most advice functionally useless if not actively harmful. incredibly frustrating in these threads i agree
Yes. Thank you for saying this.
When your Partner tells you who they are, Believe them, Period. Don’t make Excuses.
I agree. I never tell people that because I find it reductive and not at all helpful. Ultimately it doesn’t matter why because we don’t have time machines to undo mistakes, so propose a solution or don’t comment at all.
Can I ask how long you knew him before marrying?
Yup I swear there are people who don’t read posts and just go everywhere commenting that. Its so unhelpful!
I was with my ex boyfriend for 3 years. After year 1, we moved in together and, almost immediately, he became a whole different person. (One BIG change was that he went from really never missing work to quitting his job and ultimately, only worked a few months for the 2 years we lived together. I helped support him/pay bills a lot during this time.) He brought up BPD towards the end of our relationship. He’d never been officially diagnosed, but after researching it, I became pretty convinced it described him to a T. Not long before I finally ended things, I told him he’s a completely different man than the one I met and he looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I know.” I think, if people haven’t experienced it themselves, it’s hard to imagine getting “duped” to that extent. But the fact is, it’s definitely possible and plenty of people in this world don’t truly know who they are getting into a relationship with. Luckily, I never married or had kids with the guy. Even so, I know what a difficult experience it was and I can’t imagine what it’d be like if we HAD been married or worse, had kids together and had to be in each other’s lives forever.
I knew my husband wanted kids. I saw him interacting with kids before we were married and figured it was all good. I had no idea what an uninvolved, skittish parent he would be. Then as soon as we were done having kids, our sex life dried up. I feel like he married me to be a baby incubator.
Totally agree. I love my husband, but he knew because I told him when we met that I needed a man that was not a jealous type and would let me ball room dance. That was why I had broken up with my previous 3 year relationship. He assured me he wasn’t like that.
After a year and a half and a baby guess who made the choice to stop dancing, rather than go through fights and arguments with her husband? 🙃
We do take dance lessons together sometimes, but it’s not the same. He doesn’t have a passion for it and he only knows a little salsa which is one of my least favorite styles.
He’s still so in denial about his jealousy he will say, I love to see you dance, but if I go out dancing it’s hell and passive aggressiveness when I come home.
When asked for advice on whether or not to get married, I always remind them that putting a wedding ring on a finger does not change anyone’s personality. It also doesn’t immediately fix anything.
My experience is similar, except my ex-husband dropped the act on our wedding night when we were having sex. He was sure to communicate who would be in control in the marriage and what would happen if I countered him, and he was crystal clear in his debasement of me. During the marriage, around others, he was charming, “a family man”, gregarious, always the guy to help anyone who it.. etc etc etc. Everybody loved him. At home, the abuse continued. No one understood. How did I not see this coming? Why was I so depressed? Why didn’t I just leave?
I finally saved enough, rented an apartment and left without giving him a clue what I was doing. The divorce was hell. He deliberately drew it out 4.5 years and drug my name through the mud. If my children had still been young, if I hadn’t been making a decent salary and been able to save.. who knows where I’d be? So yeah, OP, I hear you. People make all kinds of assumptions, they’re judgmental, *and they refuse to believe that things might be different behind closed doors*. Kindness and support would have gone a long way. It was a really hard time in my life.
Wishing you well. None of this is easy.
I could have nearly wrote the same post, including things getting to the worst after my second child. We were together 5 years before getting married. The worst part is that he maintains the fake persona to anyone else, so nobody would believe me if I told them how he really is.
I recently read this thing that said, “don’t immediately tell the person you’re dating what things you don’t want in a relationship because some people ‘change’ who they are to fit that criteria” not sure if that’s worthy advice or not, but it does make sense. I’ve seen a lot of family marry fake people (men and women) and end up miserable 😞 my heart goes out to all those that are in that situation.
I understand completely. My husband had 3 strokes at the end of June and while he’s always been an asshole, it’s something that I could deal with. Now, he blows up at everything.
Kids are on the games before chores? Screaming.
The event we were going to ended before we could get there? Screaming.
Tomatoes on his taco? Screaming.
Lady accidentally makes a mistake? Screaming.
These are all recent examples, as in just the last 2 days. It’s exhausting. And everyone keeps telling me that I should understand, that it’s a medical condition, and blah blah blah. But I’m tired. I’m tired of dealing with a man-child who can’t control his attitude or anger. I really wish I could afford to leave.
What you’re describing certainly happens, but I’ve seen many posts here where people either:
A: Knew full well of their SO’s issues and decided to marry them anyway.
B: Discovered their SO’s issues post-marriage, but then they double-down and make the potential for ending the relationship even worse. I’ve lost count of the number of posts I’ve seen on here of “My husband is an overweight deadbeat who treats me like crap, is unemployed, does absolutely zero chores, doesn’t help with the kids, and sits around playing video games all day. And he’s been this way since we got married.
So anyway, since we’ve been married, we’ve had 3 kids…”
The problem is you should put little weight on someone’s words and a lot more weight on someone’s actions. All these deceits are a bunch of sweet words of affirmation to your list of criteria, with no consistent actions to back them up. Be prepared to have difficult talks to try to resolve the issue, and to get out when the poor actions speak.
You described every abusive guy. Sell you a bill of goods that they’re the best thing since sliced bread. And at that point they are. Then the abuse starts, and every time someone asks them why they stay, they say, “oh he’s a great guy, he’s shown me that he’s a great guy.” Only problem is, he WAS a great guy, then he became a piece of shit. Your husband sounds like he admittedly tricked you into being with him. The whole thing is based on a lie. You know this now. Now do right by your kids. Hopefully they only spend every other weekend with their abusive alcoholic dad.
Thank you for posting this. I’ve been one of those people who have left that sort of comment on here before. I’ll be reading things differently now.
The one circumstance stated by the bible as grounds for divorce: adultery. God can be those children’s fathers until a good man comes around. All you need are prayer and faith and the REAL prince charming will come along. Actually, the real Michael Hosea (go read Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. Thank me later.)
Yeah I feel like my spouse “bait and switched” on me too.
>Every time I see the comment “well why’d you marry them if they were like that?” it really bothers me
Because of your ego refusing to acknowledge all of the missed red flags, or…?
Consult a lawyer and work with them in order to plan a course of action. I hope you have family or friends to provide support to you. I would rent a storage unit and put my jewelry, my current keepsakes and if you have them, keepsakes from your older family.