I have always had an oddly strong romantic attraction to a large percentage of people ive met, roughly starting when i was 6 or 7. It has gotten out of hand now that i am in college and have access to parties and dating apps. I am worried i am going to lose my girlfriend and many of my friends through my infidelity and lying. I constantly think about sex and sexual partners and it makes it difficult to talk to any one. I have been unfaithful to my girlfriend 3 times now and i cant live with myself. I hate doing this and I dont know why I do it.
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You should tell her the truth, she deserves to know. And if you can’t commit to a relationship there is no point in being one. You’re young, go wild, when you find the right one you’ll want to settle down.
The only problem you actually seem to have is being honest with people around you. You are an adult and as long as you aren’t using deception or coercion to get sexual partners you can sleep with whoever you want. The only problem is that you are being deceptive since you have a gf. You need to come clean to her and be honest about what is realistic for you. Don’t promise her fidelity or monogamy (or the next girl if she decides to leave) if you can’t offer that. There are many styles of relationship that allow for you to be open but it needs to be approached in a healthy and honest way between all partners.
tell your gf
Do you have any mental health conditions? Obsessive thoughts about sex and obsession in general can be a part of lots of conditions. It doesn’t sound like you can offer your girlfriend what she wants at the minute. It’s better for her sake If you tell her what’s happening and that you are working on yourself.
Hey! I [32M] feel I was in a similar spot when I was in my 20s. In almost every relationship the topic was raised that I was there only for the sex, which in most cases led to cheating; I’m able to build rapport and sexual energy with the right people super easily, falling in love takes only slightly longer than the evening news, so on, so forth.
For the longest time I thought I was just unlovable or unfit for relationships, but then not so long ago I decided that I am the way I am – my sex drive included – and if at the end of the day, what I really wanted was to fuck, then the only obstacle was arranging it to be so by negotiating it. I figured that in the big picture denying myself experiences that I clearly wanted wasn’t going to make me a better person, and nobody will thank me for it on my deathbed, and as Marcus Aurelius said (paraphrasing): “if you want something then take it and enjoy it to the fullest without shame.”
So I sat down with my next partner and at the first date put it out there that I want the freedom to go around and screw. And she said that as long as she knows who they are and I keep everything sane, safe and consensual (BDSM vocabulary is a very useful toolset), I could go ahead.
And after a while once I got the initial thrill of numb rubbing out of my system, I realised I was able to feel the full spectrum of affection and attachment to multiple people at the same time. And that whoever said that “if you’re properly fallen in love with someone, you won’t be able to do it with someone else” was either somehow built fundamentally different from me or was behaving like a gatekeeping cunt (implying there’s only one proper way to be in love).
So eventually I stumbled upon the concept of ‘Polyamory’ and the literature within. And 4 years ago I decided to integrate a maxim of J.B. Peterson’s to my personality: “Always tell the truth, or at the very least never lie. You might not always be able to understand what the truth is, but you bloody well know when you’re lying”. So armed with that I have been exploring new territory, and the result so far is an amazing relationship with a loving nesting partner, and a mutual freedom to follow our hearts built on open communication model.
And now not only am I not a traitor to my partner, should I fall in love with someone else too, but we both bring back rejuvenated sexual chemistry and new ideas from our journeys with our metamours. And suddenly I’m no longer unlovable, my libido isn’t wrong, and everyone is super happy that they’re not the only designated recipients of my hypersexuality. So. Many. Problems. Have. Just. Disappeared.
But the beginning is bound to be rocky, getting past the initial anxiety and building the courage to ask what you want is crucial, you immediately eliminate 90% of your dating pool and that’s perfectly fine – the game then becomes filtering out the non-fits as early as you can; and no matter what, never compromise your integrity – it’s the only thing keeping the process going.
I’d look into Polyamory/ Ethical Non Monogamy.
Some of us are just not meant to be tied down to one thing forever. Find a group of people that think similar to you and divulge.
You have a sex addiction disorder….and, it can definitely be helped. The hallmark of “addiction” is a feeling of lacking control/choice, repeating behaviors despite negative consequences, feeling powerless to change the behavior(s), negatively influencing or interfering other aspects of life.
Sex addiction is all wrapped up in the uncomfortable blanket of shame and self worth. So, it’s like a drug, which initially offers an escape, but then acts more like a trap that can’t be escaped, or navigated independently.
There are specially trained counselors who deal with sex addiction. Please stay optimistic and reach out for help to overcome this. Don’t let it remain a roadblock in your path to happiness. There are better days ahead. 🌞