It’s a bit of a long story so saddle in. Some quick family dynamics. Single child family, 8 year old with ADHD and other needs with emotion regulation. My wife and I have been married 7 years and both struggle with depression.
I work a full time job during the day, and Im working on my bachelor’s in cybersecurity as well as running a small side buisness. Luckily Money is not an issue for us.
She lost her sister back in October 2021 from suicide which was extremely traumatic. After her sister died, she withdrew from the family comletely. I was making sure our sons needs were met, dinner, laundry, cleaning, doctor apts, cub scouts, all of it, there was no division in workload but I wanted to be supportive and let her heal. I tried to include her in family events but it normally ended in me getting cussed out and told she had no reason to enjoy things with us. (Depression is a monster indeed)Fast forward She was able to get help back in August and started to go to therapy and try medication. Things drastically improved and we had mom back again. It’s been wonderful.
She also wanted to go back to work, which we agreed day shifts would work best. In September she started at Target, and hated it, so quit after a few weeks in (very understandable). She just started a new job where she has hours 2-10PM Tuesday-Saturday with no flexibility. I drive her to work during my lunch breaks since she cant drive and pick her up in the evenings. Her being gone during the evening is really creating a struggle at home, my grades are falling and work performance is slipping cause I ahve so much to manage. Today, I got written up at work when I missed a call from my CEO (I work in IT) because I was busy getting our son on the bus, she was still in bed sleeping tired from working the night before. If I lose my job, we will be screwed financially. Icing on the cake is they told her she needs to work all day Christmas and Christmas eve as well as thanksgiving which crushed my son.
I want to ask her to try and find something during the day again because it’s alot for me to mange on my own and my son has been showing signs of distress. Am I wrong for asking her to leave the new job she really likes to be present with our family during the evenings. Also so she’s not to tired in the morning to help with our son so I don’t loose my job while trying to get him out the door to school? When she is home during the day, she plays videogames all day and that’s about it. (I’m not trying to be critical)
I don’t want her to slip back into depression or end up resenting me or our family. I just want to support her and help her get better, but its affecting our sons happiness.
I am not trying to make her a stay at home mom, but I feel a compromise can be made to find something with hours that work best for everyone in our home.
Thank you to anyone who stuck in here till the end.
“Tl;dr”
5 comments
If she likes the new job and it is good for her why not find another work around? She can get up early, prepare the son for school, and return to sleep for some hours when he left for school.
(I also don’t understand why your boss calls you before your workday started…)
I would not want my partner to be working every night. She isn’t available to be an involved mom either. It could be used as a reason to not engage in actual life. She’s home when no one else is and leaves before home responsibility starts. I’d def check in and have some conversations.
>I drive her to work during my lunch breaks since she cant drive
Why?
>my grades are falling and work performance is slipping cause I ahve so much to manage.
Well that needs to change, but that doesn’t automatically mean that she is the one that has to sacrifice. Maybe you need to cut back work or find another solution.
>If I lose my job, we will be screwed financially.
Stop making this her fault. There are plenty of people who maintain full time jobs with kids. You need to be transparent with your supervisors and if you need flexibility in time ask for it.
I get it that spouses working in certain industries put a strain on certain aspect of life. However I think you need to be better at bucking up and dealing with it.
It seems to be all about you. Your big job, your business, and you going to school. So what she has to sacrifice what makes her happy so you don’t have to help your kid get on the bus?
I don’t like it when I hear men bitch about that stuff. Welcome to being a woman. Welcome to having to talk with your supervisors about having your schedule accommodate your kids and risking that making waves and making you seem like less of a performer. Suck it up and deal with it.
Especially when your wife is dealing with some pretty decent struggles, she does need to be making the effort to improve, but at the same time she needs those things to make her happy.
And maybe that means right now isn’t a good time for your side hustle and/or school.
And I’m sorry you can celebrate holidays on different days of the week, it doesn’t have to be on that exact day. Your son can get over it too and you guys as parents can teach him holidays are about together and family, and you can have that on Dec 18th just as much as you can have is on December 25th. You need to teach your child to be more supportive. “It sucks mom works Christmas but you know what she loves this job so we are going to make the holidays special the week before and it’s going to be so much fun”
You are stretching yourself thin with all you are doing, but apparently it’s all your wife’s fault life is falling apart because she wants to work.
Have you looked at a in-home helper? Like a part time nanny/baby sitter. They can take some of the tasks off of you, and maybe even drive your wife to work as part of their duties. Find out the cost and present it as an option to her and then she can decide if she wants to do that or pull back/quit her job.
If allows you to respect her choice to work and provides you a solution for reliable childcare.
It sounds like she never got over her depression. You expressed support for her working but asked her to choose a job that did not negatively impact the family.
Instead she found a job that allows her to avoid your family more than ever. You’d be better off single at this point because you could make other arrangements instead of thinking you could rely on her when she’s obviously doing everything to avoid any responsibilities.