tl;dr: i’m in love with my best friend, but i can’t make myself screw up a relationship because of my feelings.
i (f16) have known my best friend (f17) for about 2 years now, and almost immediately after meeting there was insane chemistry. she and i would (and still do) talk on the phone for hours a day about our shared interests, just enjoying each other’s company. i’ve taken so much pleasure in learning about her persian heritage, even learning how to cook iranian food. she made an effort to understand the issues i was going through in a way my family didn’t, and she tells me that i’m able to see through her mask like no one else can. our experiences are so similar in several aspects that we have heightened understanding of each other beyond the norm. for the years we’ve known each other, we’ve never had a fight or failed to make each other laugh through hard times. when she goes through a rough patch, i show up at her door with fresh, homemade food, and she always tries to help when i need to talk. at this point, neither of us really have any doubt that we’ll spend the rest of our lives together; we even have plans to move in together after school. with the kind of stability and joy our relationship has offered, i don’t think anyone would blame me for falling head over heels in the first few months.
actually, i know she’s felt the same way at certain points, given that we have almost dated FOUR TIMES. it’s become something of an inside joke (“almost dating and breaking up four times would ruin every other relationship, but not ours!”, “we’re so close to time #5, we should do something special!” etc.). we “get together”, and it only lasts for a few hours before one of us decides it’s a bad idea. first, it was her homophobic parents influencing her to get back with her AMAB partner after she had broken up with them for me. most recently, we had a conversation about songs that reminded us of each other that resulted in a “dude, at this point we should just date”, but i was too scared of ruining things. the on-and-off, “will they, won’t they”, is too much. every time it feels like i’m over her, the feelings come back and bite me in the ass.
the problem is that i CAN’T get over it no matter what i try. there are constant jokes about how i’m the favorite, or how if we were fictional characters we’d be the most popular ship, or which tags the hypothetical fanfics about us would have, or how we’re basically wives, or the cat we’ll adopt together. i know they’re jokes, but i wish they weren’t. it feels like a knife through the heart every time. she also recently got a boyfriend, who i have no reason to worry about because a) i’m better and b) they have a very casual relationship that she says probably won’t last long. i’m not as jealous as you would think i’d be. it still sucks, though. we have a running theme of not dating but being jealous of prospective love interests in each other’s lives.
i know i like her more than she likes me. i know it’s not meant to be between us. i know we have opposite love languages that keep us from properly expressing appreciation. i know the best option is to distance myself from her and try to live my life and make other friends. i know i’m too mentally unstable for a relationship. but i don’t care. i can’t bring leave an otherwise perfectly healthy and stable friendship because i can’t get my feelings under control like a normal person, but i also can’t live the rest of my life constantly feeling insecure or like the other woman because i’m hopelessly in love with a girl who doesn’t love me back- and a small part of me still thinks i have a chance. i feel like i’m losing my mind. what do i do?