TW: body-shaming
This might be quite long-winded so I apologise in advance
I’ve been together with my GF Liz for four months now. Everything was fine, we didn’t really have any issues until recently. It seemed healthy to me and we communicated a lot.
Recently, we were talking about exes and Liz was surprised to hear I’ve only had one ex and it was from when I was 15. She was very curious about this relationship and wanted to know the details about it.
To preface, I understand I was absolutely horrible and I still regret being so stupid to this day. But when I was in secondary school, I became close friends with a girl named Jenna and eventually she asked me out when we were 15. We got into a relationship and for the most part it was a very cringey lovey dovey secondary school relationship.
However, I was also incredibly immature and honestly just really stupid. I didn’t treat her right and one of the worst things I did to her was consistently make jokes about her breast size, which she was insecure about (I didn’t know it was an insecurity at the time but it still wasn’t okay). Looking back makes me cringe because I had a mentality like I was an anime protagonist and said so much stupid shit.
Obviously she broke up with me like 5 months later and it was a real wake up call to how much of a shithead I was. I remember at first I felt bewildered, and when the weight of my actions finally sunk in, I felt horrible. I couldn’t have begun to imagine how Jenna felt the entire time we were together. I was too ashamed to speak to people, and at the time, I didn’t have a chance to apologise because she transferred to a different school and I was blocked. It was just embarrassing to even think for a moment it was harmless or that I was like that, and to this day the guilt still haunts me.
I eventually saw Jenna again at a mutual friend’s party three years later and I spoke to her and apologised for everything I did. She was very surprised but also appreciative of it and told me she forgave me and we basically caught up with our lives. We exchanged social media again and I like to think we are on good terms again and we’ve said hello if we’ve seen each other in public.
I know it seems like a pathetic pity party, but the whole thing is still on my mind to this day and I haven’t forgiven myself for it. And it’s really affected how I act around other people, I constantly feel guilt and anxiety for what I did. I constantly feel too ashamed to talk to women, and the only reason why I met Liz was because she was approached me after a friend introduced us, thinking I was shy. I also want to emphasise that I have no feelings towards Jenna, and it’s simply the fact I ever acted like that that haunts me. I didn’t blindside her during that party either, she knew I would be there, and it was actually Jenna herself who approached me. I have some friends who have consistently told me that I’ve been too hard on myself over the years and I’ve changed since I was 15, but I don’t think I can make that judgement on myself.
Anyway, after finding out what I did, Liz became silent and went home. I tried talking to her, but she just told me that she couldn’t believe I would do something so horrible and she can’t see me the same way. The mutual friend that introduced us told me she was thinking of breaking up with me. I was obviously upset and heartbroken, but to be honest, I don’t know what to think, I don’t particularly feel like this was irrational or unjustified, and maybe this was just karma and I deserved it.
I don’t know if I should just leave Liz alone or if there is anything else I should do. In general, is this something I should disclose to people if there was romantic interest in the future if it doesn’t work out?
Tl;dr: My current girlfriend broke up with me after finding out I body-shamed my ex 7 years ago and I don’t know what to do.
48 comments
You were a child. That’s all I have to say. Your GF now needs to grow up just like you have.
I think Liz is being a little hard on you, especially if you are being honest about how remorseful you are about your actions.
It feels unfair for her to judge the current you because of something you had done as a child.
Are you certain you are not teasing people for their looks any longer?
Do you think Liz may just be trying to find a way out and is using this as an excuse?
Dude you were 15. Do you know how much dumb shit most people have said when they were 15? The important part is that you evolved from that point.
Its insane that your GF is judging you for something like that, IMO. But hey, if thats how she operates, it is what it is.
15 year old boys are dickheads, I know cos I was one. Pretty rough of her to judge you on this
?? But you were 15, the peak of when humans do stupid shit. Does she not realize that
We all continue learning and growing. I like how you realized you were wrong and decided to correct yourself.
The ages 13-25 are especially full of self discovery and correction. It’s okay.
It’s honestly good to know that your girlfriend is still in the black-and-white immaturity stage of her personal development, and that you aren’t currently at the same maturity level.
Try not to take this to heart. Your ex-gf’s reaction is the minority. Most of the community wants people to feel safe to admit their errors and learn from them.
If we create an environment where admitting our wrongs had extreme consequences, then people will stop learning and growing out of fear of this.
Keep on your self development project. You’re worth making yourself the best “you” that you can be.
In my experience people who don’t believe in the growth of others after a dark past won’t grow themselves.
I’m very proud of how much you’ve grown as a person.
Liz probably was bullied in school, thus her reaction. At this point, you can’t change anything, so find some nice new girl that it’s a judgy B like Liz.
Dodged a bullet friend.
If she’s holding this against you, something you did as a child and the other person has forgiven you, then what else would she hold over your head? Let her go.
Sounds like your gf is the only one still immature.
Your current gf is the immature one. You opened up to her about a very personal matter, that has already been settled with the affected girl, but she decides to take that personally and is considering breaking up with you over something you did as a dumb teenager. I wouldn’t want to be with a person like that. Wouldn’t feel particularly safe, knowing that everything that happened before we even ever met could be grounds for a breakup.
You were 15. Give yourself a break. If we all started crucifying each other for what stupid shit we did and said as kids, the world would be a graveyard. As long you’ve learnt a lesson and actively trying to be a better person then that’s it.
However, you also need to understand that from what you’re describing it sounds like your actions may have been triggering for your gf. Maybe something happen in the past we don’t know. All you can do is give your gf the time and space she needs. Support her however way she needs.
This sub is wild – usually y’all condemn high school bullies to the pits of hell, even when they’re grown adults.
I guess if it’s a boy bullying his own girlfriend it’s fine?
There’s a statute of limitations on everything, except for murder. You didn’t kill Jenna. So please forgive yourself. And if Jenna wants to break up over something you did when you were 15, you’re better off without her.
Biggest age to be an outright prick is 14 – 17 I reckon. God when I think of how I used to be. It is what it is though. Only important that we change and learn and grow
Honey, a good therapist can help you with this.
You made a mistake. Do you know what the world would be like if every person who made a mistake treated themselves like you are?
How can you prove *to yourself* that you’re not that guy anymore? What will it take for you to believe you deserve good things? That you are worthy of love and compassion, especially from yourself?
7 years ago you were a douchebag. Are you still that boy? No. So stop treating yourself like you are. He will always be a part of you, but that doesn’t mean you have to carry this shame for the rest of your life.
Be kind to yourself honey, forgive yourself. Give yourself a chance to have a good life, you deserve it, even with the mistakes you’ve made.
Do you need to feel like you’ve actually made a difference to forgive yourself? Volunteer with a bullying organization. Spend your time teaching people how to not be like 15 year old you. Help other and *help yourself.* ❤️
I agree with others that your gf is overreacting in this instance. You made some mean jokes when you were 15 but you have since matured, changed your behaviour and apologised to the person in question.
Its possible that your gf has some issues of her own that this is triggering.
So many teenagers do and day dumb and cruel shit when they are 15. You had the capacity to learn from it, change your behaviour and you feel guilt and remorse.
I personally don’t think you should continue to feel such deep shame about it. People deserve a second chance and you don’t treat women like that anymore.
I think that most women will understand that you’re not that person anymore and that you grew as a person since you were 15. Some women (I suspect if they have trauma from being treated like that themselves) will see it as a dealbreaker.
At this point I’m not really sure if there is much you can do towards your current girlfriend. You can let her know that you are there to talk with her once she is ready but you can’t really force her so I would give her some space.
Yes, what you did was horrible but tbh. if your girlfriend doesn’t take into account, that this was 7 years ago when you’ve been a teenager and doesn’t even take into account what person you are today, it might be better if you break up.
Most all of us did some horrible shitty things between 13 and 17 – and a lot of people realised that and became way better persons when they grew up into adults.
Treating your partner like the person he was when he was 15 years old is very childish.
It’s really weird that she’s this upset over it all. You were 15. We all do and say stupid shit at that age. The amount of remorse and guilt you still feel over it is abnormal though. Especially after you apologized to your ex and she forgave you. I really think you would benefit from talking to a therapist.
Red flags. You were 15. This was almost a decade ago. People make mistakes and change. You seem regretful and sound like you avoid this kind of actions. Current gf upset over something that has zero effect on her. She’s either looking for a reason to break up or crazy
The fact you went through that and show remorse and actively apologized to Jenna would personally make me feel more secure in a relationship with you. I would be confident you not only wouldn’t repeat this mistake but also 1) you own up to your mistake *and* make amends. 2) have obviously matured 3) are clearly good at being open and communication just for having told your gf what truthfully happened.
If a 21 yo can’t see past a 15 year olds mistake THAT YOU LEARNED FROM, she has her own issues and is looking for a way out already. imo 🙂
Seriously though, you were only 15 when this happened and you’ve grown up since then. I would tell Liz that if she honestly thinks you’re the same person you were at the age of 15 then she still has a lot of growing up to do herself and maybe she doesn’t belong in a relationship with someone until she realizes that.
OP, why did Jenna transfer to a different school? And why did she have to block you?
If your adult girlfriend is holding stupid shit you did in HS and are tortured and apologetic for as an adult over your head she needs to grow the fuck up. If the person you wronged forgave you she should get over it.
If my bf had bullied someone due to small breasts (I’m assuming that’s the case here) as a teenager, I would also have to take some time to think things through. My insecurities about my own small peas would flare up and I would be questioning if he really likes my body. I would also assume that Jenna still carries some scars with her from your teasing, that shit never fully heals.
John 8:7
People seem to forget about these things. No one is perfect and we all make mistakes. Every single one of us. Without failure there is no chance for self improvement. A mistake was made, you learned from it, you took accountability for your actions, you are a better person now. If the person you are dating does not understand that then they are not mature enough to be in a relationship.
No one is without sin.
Seven years is a long time to wear the mantle of shame. You may have practiced cruelty as a schoolboy, but it was your conscience, not your cruelty, that stuck with you and made you the man you are today.
Unfortunately your reputation has also stuck with you – and, forgiven or not, in this group, seven years later, you are still the guy who was cruel to their friend. Sadly, the only sure way to move on is to be among people who don’t remember you as a schoolboy, and haven’t heard Jenna’s story.
The first thing I thought was “oh shit it hit home for her”. I would be confused too if my partner got mad about something I did when I was in my teens. I’m sure you and her both have both and said stupider shit. However I think the way she’s reacting is because she may have been in that place once before or she was bullied for that same reason.
Give her some time. You didn’t do anything wrong but she’s obviously a little out of touch. See if she wants to talk or whenever she’s ready. There’s definitely more to the story.
These can be difficult years. You may have grown from the experience, but your girlfriend can’t. Bummer.
Everyone’s an idiotic douchebag at 15* bro.
Edit: 15 not 16, although it’s true for both.
Sucks man, you can’t really do anything about it at this point.
Up to you if you want to experience the cold shoulder, maybe make a note that you had apologized for your past behavior at that same meeting/venue.
Otherwise I’d be bean countering if this person is even worth sticking around for if they’re going to give you a lame attitude for things that both have zero to do with them in addition to you already acknowledging that prior-you wasn’t so much of a sterling gentleman.
I wouldn’t beat yourself up too much about it, most people never acknowledge their own behavior.
IMO, your girlfriend is overreacting.
Sure, you did a shitty thing. BUT you know what? Most, if not all, teenagers do stupid/shitty stuff. The important is that you recognized what you did was wrong, you apologized to your ex, and you learnt from it. You need to forgive yourself and move on.
As for Liz… I would leave her alone. IMO, if she’s holding this against you knowing full well that you already apologized to your ex then there’s nothing you can do about it. Liz envisioned you as a certain type of person. And you shouldn’t apologize for not being the person she envisioned you to be.
Also, for your future relationships don’t expect all women would be black and white like Liz. You can disclose it when asked. But if your future spouses can’t accept your past flaws then they aren’t worth your future as well.
You gave her “the ick”, it’s impossible to come back from that unfortunately
This is ridiculous. You were 15! You’re not the same person as you were when you were 15 when you’re 22! That’s 7 years of life experience and life lessons and growing up you’ve done since then. Honestly, her thinking about breaking up with you at 22 because of what you did, which you realised what a stupid and immature thing afterwards, at 15 BEFORE she even knew you? It’s childish.
Is she the same person now at 22 when she was 15? I’d hope not. Does she not have things she did at 15 that she regrets and wouldn’t have done if she has the knowledge she does now? Bet damn sure she does.
My fiancé did loads of stupid things at 15, 8-9 years before I even met her! I know about some of them now. Do I judge her and want to break up with her because of them now, 12 years later? No. Because that would be stupid.
Unless you were like a serious child criminal and like did some disgusting things to children or murdered someone, then not being able to look at you the same way anymore and wanting to break up because of something you did at 15, you admit was stupid and regretted and even apologised for… Seems like she’s the one still in the mindset of a 15 year old and needs to grow up and learn a lesson that people grow up from their teenage years.
I feel sorry for you OP. I feel no sympathy for her, she needs to grow up and get over herself. Only then will I feel sorry for her for feeling so silly about the whole thing that isn’t even an issue. If you were 16 now and it just happened, yeah sure. Makes sense. But you’re 22 now and way past that age and definitely way past that level of immaturity.
You aren’t that same person anymore, you’ve grown. If you’re still being hard on yourself please seek therapy and learn to forgive yourself. You were open with Liz and opened up to her, if she wants to leave and think you’re still that same person then maybe she’s not your person. If that happens don’t blame yourself, heal and move on.
OP, please get therapy to deal with your self-hatred and how you are sabotaging yourself. I’m completely serious, there is a light at the end of the tunnel if you go get help
So you were a not nice 15 year old…so an average 15 year old.
I was a typical teen, I wasn’t a bully but I said mean things sometimes and liked/disliked people, and I wasn’t bullied either but had moments where kids were really unkind. And when I say bullied, I mean that there was no campaign of hate and terror. But of course I said unkind things and unkind things were said to me.
You, at 15, were very unkind- probably bullied- your girlfriend. You don’t stand by that behavior, you apologized to the person you did it to, and you make no excuses for what happened. Great, perfect ending! Teenagers are all assholes who say mean things about/to people at certain points, and yours was bad enough it warranted an apology and reflection, and you did that.
If your current girlfriend can’t get passed it, well she just can’t. I don’t think you need to fall all over yourself feeling terrible about what 15 year old did anymore, and you can’t change her opinion of those actions. I’m not going to judge your current girlfriend for being upset about it, because who knows her own history with these issues. What I will say is that I have plenty of friends and relationships where those people did similar stuff as teens, and I’m certainly not holding it against them.
Well show her this post, print it out on paper and show her. You don’t have to say it is on Reddit. Then turn it over, and let go. We all make mistakes, I have made my share out of arrogance. You will make more. The point is to explain, she knows you don’t treat her that way, and move forward. This can be the last time you suffer from that relationship.
What you did wasn’t great, but you were a stupid kid who learned from your mistake. I think it would be wise to seek therapy at this point to try to forgive yourself.
Maybe it triggers a trauma of hers? She approached the situation very oddly, really wanting to hear in detail what happened. I mean, I get being morbidly curious, but it seems like she asked with the intent to pass judgement.
It sucks, and it’s not necessarily fair seeing as 15 year olds make dumb decisions all the time and this wasn’t some kind of “I was a dumb 15 y/o who committed an actual felony” type of stupid. But if she has a lot of trauma or hang ups from previous relationships, she may just be scared and feel like she has to vet her partners. Sucks, but you seem to know it was wrong and that you’re not that guy anymore. Sorry that happened though. :/
I think it’s totally understandable that your girlfriend has reservations. After all, you’ve only been dating for 4 months, that’s basically a trial stage so she’s not overreacting! Perhaps she had some romanticized idea if you as a teen and is disappointed that you were a bully in high school. That would be a hard pill to swallow for me too, and possibly a deal breaker. But you showed genuine remorse so all the best with your personal development journey.
PS I don’t think she’s going to break up with you, she probably just needs time to process.
It’s pretty amazing to think how much changes in those short 5 years between ages 15 and 20. You were a jerk to your high school gf. Buy you also acnowledged that, apologized to her, and moved forward. It feels like you did what needed to be done, unless there is more to the story.
In order to move on and grow you have to forgive yourself.
Say this out loud a couple of times every say:
‘I am who I am, I love myself and I forgive myself’
you were a big piece of shit but realised and made a change in yourself. you also apologised to her about how you treated her.
if your girlfriend is gonna judge you on something you did years ago that you know is wrong and sort to improve then she can get stuffed. the only thing i wonder is if she was looking for an excuse to dump you.
You bullied a girl about her body until she had to transfer schools.
If I was your gf I would also question the relationship.
We learn and grow but there’s also consequences to our actions.
You’re obviously going to be different from 15 at 22. You and your gf are being lowkey dramatic. Like yeah it was a sh*tty thing to do but you were literally 15 and still beat yourself up about it to this day. If she’s going to be butthurt about something you did literally 7 years ago, apologized for, and still feel guilty about, then maybe you should just let her go. Sounds like a stupid excuse to leave the relationship unless there were already problems and this was just used as an out.