I posted about this a few days ago ([link here](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/yg2szf/my_girlfriend_rarely_wants_to_have_sex_but_she/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)). An update since then is that I walked in on her yesterday (I was out with a friend and came back and saw her hiding the vibrator, so I pointed it out). Because of this new development, I figured I’d post again.
She was embarrassed and I said she didn’t need to be embarrassed about masturbating. She said “I just didn’t want you to feel like I was excited that you weren’t here so that I could masturbate,” and I didn’t say that I had noticed this had been going on for a while now. I told her I didn’t mind if she masturbated, since I do it too, and she said “Oh ok, that’s great. I guess I’ll get back to it,” and then made it clear she wanted me to leave the room.
Before I knew I was sort of in the wrong; masturbating isn’t cheating or infidelity, and it’s her prerogative to do it whenever she wants. Now I feel different. Here’s why:
After she was done, she came out to the living room (where I’d been banished to, essentially, since we live in a 1 bedroom). She asked me about my day, etc., and eventually I brought it up and after we talked about it for a bit I said “hey, no harm in you masturbating, but I was wondering if you wanted to use Spicer to get a sense of our compatibility.” (Paraphrase.) She shut it down immediately and said she wasn’t really interested in that, but that we could “eventually” use the app, just not tonight. She wasn’t going to sleep or anything, she just went to watch TV for a while before bed.
My friend pointed out recently that I have long had a tendency of putting up with sort of selfish behavior in relationships, and while I wouldn’t characterize masturbating as selfish, upon reflection I do feel like (1) refusing to work on our sex life, (2) taking every possible opportunity to masturbate without interruption, and then (3) making me feel a bit weird about it all amounts to somewhat selfish behavior.
So I’m annoyed, but I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to break up over this, and I’m afraid any way I phrase it will come across as being controlling. At the same time I do feel disrespected. Looking for any possible feedback and advice.
**TL;DR: Girlfriend always masturbates whenever I’m not around, isn’t interested in working on our sex life or investing any time into it. Also refuses to talk about it. I’m now annoyed and upset, but I’m not sure my feelings are valid here.**
8 comments
Sounds like a tricky situation. Have you ever talked about mutual masturbation? Maybe she’d be into that. It also sounds like maybe there is a shame thing just generally, although I read that you asked her about that. Or maybe there’s an online component, maybe she’s really into porn? Also something you could do together.
I read through the last post real quick and I only noticed the only thing that was talked about outside of the bedroom was her health.
Again, here in this post, there isn’t much talk about what is going on with your relationship as whole. Yes, this is a sex advice subreddit, but the heavy focus on just the sex itself isn’t really addressing what is or isn’t happening in your relationship to get to this point.
Ideally, if your partner wants to – therapy for your partner or both of you.
Youre not wrong for feeling this way, but it seems like you didn’t really take what others suggested on your other post.
You havent really tried to communicate your feelings around the issue at all. You need to take it outside of the bedroom and outside of you feeling shitty and actually be upfront.
– “Its okay you masturbate. But why don’t we have sex?”
– “I know its uncomfortable, and you might not wanna upset me, but I *need* you to talk to me and tell me what’s going on even if it does hurt my feelings”
No arguments. Just talking. You won’t get to the root of the problem without getting her side of it. If she doesn’t want to talk about it the problem isn’t your sex life. Its the communication.
this woman will be so much better off without you
You aren’t wrong to be annoyed but relationships aren’t about being right or wrong. You have to either accept her choice or move on. Anything more is manipulative and won’t work anyway.
I’ll be honest you are both missing some big things somewhere. Things do not get to this point for no reason. I hate to sound agressive but frankly you need to tell her just how unhappy you are and how you do not like the relationship. Don’t sugar coat it. Do not try to be manipulative. Just be very blunt and honest. Tell her you are very willing to talk and listen. If you are doing anything wrong you want her to be comfortable telling you. However you feel like she would rather pleasure herself than cultivate a healthy sexual relationship with you. You also feel like she just blows you off when you talk. Tell her that you do not expect sex, but you do very directly expect her to communicate with you openly and honestly and work towards a healthier sex life. If she can’t do that you deserve for her to atleast say so. Then atleast you can make plans to find a new path with someone else so you can be happy longterm. Last but not least make it clear you don’t think anything is wrong with her but maybe you two just aren’t compatible, but her talking to you honestly about this problem is the only way to figure rhat out.
My ex was like this. She offered me nothing but her hitachi wand saw a lot of action. She was, consciously or not (I don’t know) – withholding sex and affection because she was angry at me for something but she would never tell me what.
We went to couples counseling and it was like out of a tv show. Counselor asked, “So what seems to be the problem?” I replied, “She won’t have sex with me.” Then she went off on me for 5min nonstop, yelling, screaming, and blamed me for all kinds of things in our lives I had no control over. Then I gestured towards her and said to the counselor, “See?”
We split up about 2 weeks later. Sex would’ve kept me involved for longer and maybe would’ve softened my feelings a bit, but I’m glad I left when I did. She was making me feel like a loser. 2 months later I met the lady i married, and we’re still together and happy 12 years later.
You’re not in the wrong, her masturbating is actively impeding your sex life, meaning she’s addicted to masturbating and once she gets off, she has no interest for the two of you.
I’d try to have a frank conversation with her about this and if she refuses to change, I’d leave.