Me (29F) and my boyfriend (32M) have been together for a little over a year. I’m kinda of awkward and I’ve always had a harder time fitting in and making friends with girls. I was definitely bullied by the ‘popular’ girls in high school. I’ve found my crew now and have gained self confidence and love in who I am. I know Im a thoughtful, caring, loving, and when I feel I can be accepted for me outgoing person. As for my boyfriend, he was also never the popular kid. However, he is extremely genuine kind and *very outgoing*. He walks into a crowd and makes 5 friends and people love him. We’ve had a few talks about him running off and leaving me stranded. I need time to feel comfortable in situations where theres a lot of pressure (such as his friends liking me) but I’m *really trying.*
We both have multiple friend groups and are constantly busy. However, his childhood friend group is by far the one that means the most to him. They are all married or engaged. There are 5 other couples. The guys are all his college roommates.. The spouses/fiances were met as they grew up.
Long story short, the events with them can be kind of hard on me. The guys, including my boyfriend, all catch up and bro out (which I get because we don’t see them all the time so I’m not upset about it). These girls are never outright mean to me, in fact there is one who is always inclusive and extremely kind.
However with the rest of the girls the night always starts out with me included. However, they never ask me about me, my life, etc. They literally never show any interest in getting to know me. I’m always engaging them in their life and happenings. As the night goes on, and alcohol gets flowing, they get very cliquey and I can even hear them talking shit about other girls (theres a history of the girls getting shit talked doing things but its still not great), which makes me wonder what they say about me when I’m not around. At that point in the night they then make absolutely no effort to talk to me or make sure I’m included, I just feel like I’m weaseling my way in. Some things I may be reading into is whenever are in a group chat they all just talk to one another, never address me, and even ignore direct questions I ask them. Something, *I know,* I’m overthinking but due to all this I’m sensitive to is that they all interact with each others posts on social media but seem to ignore mine even of my boyfriend and I.
All the guys are extremely kind, inclusive, and nice to me. They inquire about my life, our relationship, and even tell me how much they like/accept me. For the girls, I just feel like they’re being nice to me because they all love my boyfriend so much and they know they have to. But I fear when I’m not around they are mean girls to me. My boyfriend thinks I’m overthinking it but I have told him that I feel unincluded at times. Nothing really comes of it and that kind of sucks to not feel supported on that front.
Without compromising who I am, I just want these girls to like and include me. Has anyone else gone through this? Does anyone have any tips on who to navigate situations like this? These people are so important to my boyfriend and I don’t want our whole future to just be us being cordial.
TL;DR: I struggle to fit in with the girls in my boyfriend’s group and they don’t make that much effort to include me. I want to make sure we have a connection and I’m not sure what to do with it. Is there any advice people have?
5 comments
Advice: stop trying to be friends with people who don’t want to be friends with you.
I’d say to try to make connections with them in smaller groups. Invite the nice girl and one other and hang out just the 3 of you. Then do that again with a different 2. Etc. Etc. Eventually they’ll all know you in a more one-on-one basis and then hanging out in a larger group will be less difficult.
Sorry to say it really doesn’t sound like they are interested in you. Your boyfriend shouldn’t be bringing you along just to ditch you with people who you don’t get along with. Ask him to either include you with the boys or not bring you along.
I’ve been this person. Married for almost twenty years and I never was able to be *fully* included with his prior friend group. We are now divorced, so I don’t have to deal with them anymore, but I learned a few things, you may agree or disagree, but here it is:
*If you’ve met them more than a few times, it is absolutely NOT your bf’s job to babysit you, or make sure you are comfortable. Yes, he should check in with you, and you with him, periodically, but generally speaking, as an adult you are responsible for your own social awkwardness.
* They sound a bit clique-y, but not like they actively dislike you.
*Sometimes you just don’t fit in all the way. All you can do is keep trying, and learn to accept whatever level of social inclusion they are interested in. As long as their behavior is socially acceptable, all complaining will do is make them feel annoyed at you, and do little to make you feel included.
I know others will disagree, and think they need to be “called out”, but I’m a big believer in perception. Your perception is not going to be shared or accepted. Because that’s the nature of our own experiences. The lens we see them through is not always shared. They may feel that you don’t share their interests, feel you are awkward, or any number of things, that make them feel awkward around you. All you can do is accept that you may never be their exact cup of tea, and learn to be ok with being on the fringes. There is still PLENTY of time for them to learn to be closer to you, and honestly, chances are they will. But if they don’t, you need to learn to be ok with it. If that means you eventually limit the amount of time you spend with them, that’s perfectly ok too.
Alright, these girls are obviously the type of girls that spend most of their time talking shit about other girls. This often happens with girls when they form a clique.
I think they would have included you and became friendly with you if you were the same as them. Not like talking shit about others but they seem like the type of girls who are generally interested in talking about the affairs of other people. it’s their main source of entertainment. And it’s not something that interest. They can see that. So, why would they try to include you?
My point is, why do you want to be friends with them? just seek like-minded people and don’t waste your time with people that don’t like you. it is no reflection of what kind of person you are if they don’t like you. Plenty of other people will. Spend more energy seeking people you that and less energy on thinking why certain “people” don’t like you for whatever reason.