Barebones: we’re both 17 (both genderqueer, I’m afab and they’re amab if that matters) and have been dating for 9 months. Yes, we’re both young and this is a relatively new relationship— maybe I’m naive but this is both of our first loves and I’d like to make it last. We both have issues like bpd, relationship ocd, and anxious attachment, though I’d like to say they’re more healed from it (maybe about 70%-90%) than I am. Our definition of cheating is emotional, not physical. We’ve had an open relationship since getting together (which I now realize we were NOT prepared for in the slightest) but both never acted on it, and have closed it since then. I have really shitty self esteem and don’t feel good enough for them, and those sentiments increased rapidly after this incident.
Topic came up because parents were warning them about how our love would be different from when it first started and how we may cheat on each other. His dad cheated on his mom 3 times during their relationship, even when she had her children. Tangibility— if they could make it work, I want to make it work too.
I said wtf, I feel like I could never cheat because I’d be going against my core values. They said that because of the exhilaration of pursuing someone, they know it’s wrong, but feel like it isn’t something incredibly difficult to take action on as in they wouldn’t feel like they’ve lost themselves and their core values if they did it.
Since then I’ve felt like I could never be 100% connected to them as I did before. They’ve shown nothing but love and commitment to me and have even increased the magnitude of those things yet there’s always this nagging feeling in my mind that I’m competing for their love. Maybe less so of the inclinations that they’re cheating, but that this relationship isn’t working. Every fault I find in them I immediately catastrophize that this isn’t going to work out and cite the feeling less connected to give me a reason to end it, even though we’re in a healthy and loving relationship with the same core values and really compatable personalities.
TLDR; I just want to stop catastrophizing and seeing them as the bad guy and feel more connected to them, but can’t shake the feeling that I’m competing for their love or that this relationship isn’t working out in general, especially with my shitty self esteem.
4 comments
I would absolutely not be in a relationship with someone who expressed a willingness and ability to cheat without guilt.
Non-monogamy is one thing, but it should be ethical, honest, and mutually agreed upon.
There’s a lot to unpack here and I have no experience around how gender fluid might impact a relationship so this may not be valid.
I don’t control my wife, she can do what she wants. She gets hit on while out as do I. But we choose to come home to each other.
Nobody has ever successfully nagged or cajoled anyone to be faithful. The best approach is to be the person that they want to come home to (or in your case be with as you might be too young to live together)
The reality is this relationship is very likely to end at some point. You have a lot of changes to go through over the next 10 years and won’t be the same people at the end of it.
But stressing, worrying and following what sounds like awful parenting advice won’t help. Always be an act in a way that makes you happy. The rest will follow
>Topic came up because parents were warning them about how our love would be different from when it first started and how we may cheat on each other. His dad cheated on his mom 3 times during their relationship, even when she had her children.
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Unless you want a marriage where your partner regularly cheats on you, don’t take advice from these people. At your age you really should be happy and carefree in your relationship, not worry about how you’re not good enough and they might choose someone else. And why do you want so desperately to make yourself feel more connected to them, when you have a perfectly valid reason not to? Please don’t teach yourself to ignore your intuition, it’s there for a reason.
All I understood was. You both wanted an open relationship. Then you both felt weird about it. Closed the relationship. In your end, it seemed like you closed it because you don’t like the idea of being with someone else other than your partner. Your partner probably only closed because they didn’t like the idea of you being with someone else. This is how I saw it.
I don’t know how young kids do but how on earth can two 17-year-olds have a successful open relationship or even attempt to have one? I mean adults with fully-developed brains and high emotional intelligence can’t do it. Let alone a couple of teenagers.