My girlfriend \[30F\] and I \[32M\] have been together for three years and have recently been having fairly serious conversations about marriage. One thing has become a point of contention: she wants me to ask her dad before a proposal. They are pretty close and he is a pretty traditional guy. She is very concerned that he would be upset if I didn’t ask for permission before a proposal.
I’ll be honest, it really creeps me out to that. She’s a fully grown woman capable of making her own decisions. I think it’s outdated and sexist, but I’ll do it if it will smooth things over with her family.
To help make me feel more comfortable with asking, I have asked her to ask my mom too. I think it would make me feel slightly less skeeved out and sexist if she was doing the same thing. She hasn’t been very receptive to this. She doesn’t know any other women who have asked, and thinks it’s a strange request.
Part of me is concerned I’m being vindictive, but I also think it’s a reasonable compromise. How else might we be able to compromise on this issue?
22 comments
The man asking the woman’s father, may not be something that is common anymore, but it is an actual tradition.
The woman asking the man’s mother, is something that has never been a thing. So you’re just asking her to look foolish.
Here’s a better way to handle it.
Ask her what she would expect you to do, if the dad says no?
I totally understand your train of thought and I weirdly actually like your idea. However, I can see why she wouldn’t as someone who appears to have traditional views on marriage/engagement.
Marriage is about compromise and team work. If you two can’t do that over something as simple as this, you may struggle with actual marriage.
Bro. Stop. You are just being vindictive. If you are asking her to marry you, she doesn’t need to ask your Mom. Man up.
To quote Bill Burr…ohhhh Jesus.
How about you share your intentions with her father prior to asking her but don’t ask her dad for “permission” as it isn’t his right to answer on behalf of her anyway? What if you had a talk but it didn’t involve asking? That might be a compromise?
Demanding she ask your mother is a false equivalence. As someone already pointed out a man asking a woman’s father is a tradition, however misogynist it might be. Her asking your mother is just you being weird.
I personally would not ask. But I’m a grouchy fighty person and am too old to care about offending someone’s sexist dad. HOWEVER, if you want to marry this woman, you need to come to terms with her family.
This won’t be the first time you have to do something weird to please your wife – who is trying to please her family. And if she’s this hell bent on the question at the age of 30? Bro buckle up. There’s gonna be more of this.
Is that what you want? Do you want to have to bend over every time her crazy family gets in your craw about y’all’s choices? What about kids? Will they interfere on finances? Pets? Homes? Jobs?
This might not be a red flag but it’s a yellow one. Think about how much you can stand these traditions and then imagine ten more just like them. And ask yourself if that’s what you want in a marriage.
Edit: word
married 25 years.
I did **NOT** ask her father’s permission.
It’s her decision.
During the ceremony. I did **NOT** give him the opportunity to say the ‘you better take care of her’ BS.
I removed his hand from her put her hand on my arm and walked up to the alter.
Great relationship with in-laws.
Of course your mileage my vary.
Here’s the thing, asking for permission is important to her family. Her asking your family for permission is not an important tradition to yours. I get that it’s outdated and sexist. I felt that way too. I’m a very modern independent woman, but it was so important to my dad. So my husband did ask just to make him happy. It didn’t really matter to me, but I appreciated my husband smoothing everything over with him. I think this all could spell trouble though if she’s very conservative as well and you aren’t. As in are there other conservative values you don’t share.
My SO didnt require it but I like her old man so I wanted to do it and ask him, well more like tell him. I think that’s a nice gesture its not like you’re asking for his permission more like announcing – we are really in love and Im going to marry her, like you show that commitment and he can be at peace that she’ll be alright…
Yeah, I think you need to consider what this is forecasting for the rest of your relationship. What will happen with the wedding? Is she going to want to have whatever religious ceremony her daddy wants? If you have children, will she allow her parents to teach them sexist nonsense to keep the peace? Or does she have certain boundaries she won’t cross? You gave her a suggestion to make yourself feel more comfortable with this situation, is she going to dismiss other things that will make you happy if they’re nontraditional?
The fact that she is 30 years old and insisting you propose in a way that neither of you really believe in so her father doesn’t get mad is concerning. I think you should have a big talk before you do anything else with her. Once you get married, you’re going to be part of that family and her parents will feel like they can impose themselves on you as well. If she can’t stand up to them, or doesn’t want to stand up to them, you’re going to end up resenting her.
Asking the womans dad for her hand is a widely practiced tradition. Its not sexist if she is asking you to do it. You are making this way too transactional by demanding she does this to your mom to be “fair.” Just let it go. If you want a good marriage then dont make every little disagreement transactional. “Part of me is concerned im being vindictive.” You know deep down that you are being immature about this.
I think you are being spiteful with your request however it is a simple ask so it shouldn’t be that big of a deal for her to comply.
That being said, has she thought about the possibility of her dad saying no? Then what? She going to honor her father to keep peace?
She needs to understand that you are her partner now and both you and her needs come first. If she doesn’t set boundaries now they’ll push her to choose them over you.
Send her some articles regarding boundaries with parents and how that relationship changes when you become in a committed relationship that is leading to marriage.
I wanted my husband to do the same and he refused. There was a very good chance my dad was going to say no and he didn’t even want to hear that. I got over it and like the adults we are, we got married regardless.
As a compromise, why don’t you ask her parents, mom and dad, for their blessing and ask her to do the same?
I don’t think it’s a strange request to ask your fiancée to talk to your parents about joining their family and ask them to bless your union. I think it’s really sweet. Asking permission is strange. Men no longer buy their wives from other men.
Why not simply talk to both of her parents. Don’t ‘ask,’ just tell them what you’re planning. Then there’s the middle ground of not asking but also wanting her parents involved. And who is proposing? That’s the thing, you want her to ask your mom what? Is she approves of the relationship and would support a marriage? Not crazy and she should have a relationship with your parents (both) as well. Both of you ask the other’s parents to lunch and talk to them, mostly just generally, get to know them.
In asking for her hand in marriage you are honoring their family traditions. My son-in-law did this, although it was not expected, and it showed me his consideration for my daughter’s feelings.
Provided your marriage lasts, which I hope it will, this man will be in your life for a long time. And believe it or not, there may be times when you might need him. This is a great way to begin building a relationship with him. Honor him, and honor her, and consider this a privilege not a burden. It’s all how you perceive this. View it positively and it won’t be an issue.
Truly, best of luck with this and your marriage.
I think it’s weird and sexist too, but it’s also a traditional, and her dad seems to care about it. If you don’t do it, he might hold resentments against you, and I don’t think it’s worth it. She probably wants you to ask him not because she cares, but because he does, and she wants him to be happy and on board with it. This isn’t even worth the conflict you’re creating. Just do it man.
The compromise can and will be that you will ask her dad and she will not ask your mom. My recommendation is that you don’t bring this up again.
This is so silly. Yes, it’s a stupid tradition, but it’s harmless, just do it and get it over with, so her dad can feel included. Marriage is about compromise.
Your request is vindictive, makes no sense, and is just a strange thing to ask.
She’s looking for old world traditional. White knight sort of stuff.
“Sure, I won’t make you ask my Mom since it’s not traditional. Before I ask your Dad however, first let me figure out how much of a dowry I’m going to demand of him to take you off his hands.”
I totally understand your reluctance to do this and it’s an interesting idea for her to ask for your mum’s blessing, but consider if you would be doing this because your mum actually cares or whether it’s tit for tat to make a point.
A proposal is not the time to make a point…
I would also be put off if my in laws insisted on something traditional, but if it’s going to make your girlfriend happy, I would just do it. It’s honestly the point of least resistance for you and will keep everyone on board.
If you really have a problem with the concept and you’re concerned about marrying into such a traditional family, then that’s a different matter. You should give that some consideration.
If this isn’t the main concern and you are fine with her family, but you’re actually just a bit affronted about being dictated to, then consider whether or not this is going to matter in 5 years. Think carefully about whether you care the most about making your girlfriend happy or defending your stance. Gotta pick your battles in marriage!
Aww you need her to ask your mommy whether you can marry her or not? Bro, take a look in the mirror, this makes you look PATHETIC, I am shocked she didn’t end the relationship right there. She will have zero respect for you if you push for this.