Hello!
As you can tell from the title, I have been having sexual anxiety issues! I was recently in a 2 year relationship, which ended earlier this year, and for the first time since this relationship, I slept with someone and had issues…
I should mention that this has been a long-term issue. I have slept with about 5 women during my life and I think with 4 of these women, I had anxiety issues the first or first few times we had sex. This includes the woman I was in a relationship with recently, however, after the start of the relationship, we almost never had any issues sexually and all was normal. I should also state something that could contribute to this issue, the first time I attempted to lose my virginity, it didn’t go too well. I didn’t know what I was doing – got embarrassed, anxious, ED hit and it really wasn’t a good experience. This experience was also with someone inside of a friend group, so as you can imagine people found out about this, and was definitely embarrassing for me and something that has perhaps added or caused this issue I’m facing.
I feel most anxious about ‘getting it going’. Im always able to get hard, but when it comes to actually getting started and putting my thing in there… (sorry, I’m sure there’s a better way of wording that) that’s when I’m at my worst. For example, if we’re trying to get going and it’s a little fiddly getting in there, then boom – anxious and my hard goes and it’s obviously not going in there now. When I say a ‘little fiddly’ I mean when it just takes a little to get it in for the first, you have to adjust, readjust to get it going. This exact thing happened the first time I tried losing my virginity as mentioned previously, and seems to re-occur. The thought of being able to keep my hard on from the fore play to actually putting it in there seems like such a mission and fills me with anxiety even thinking about it.
Another thing, condoms only make this worse. We weren’t using condoms in my relationship, but I know condoms make my anxiety worse. Simply for the fact of if I struggle without a condom then it can only be much worse with a condom.
Once im in, with a hard on and we’re having sex it’s absolutely fine and all is good. Sometimes changing positions is an issue if it gets a little fiddly again, the same thing can happen… ED. However, im almost certain this is all psychological. Im 22 and it’s really embarrassing that this is happening. I masturbate fairly frequently, anywhere from 0 to 2/3 times a day, however, am massively cutting down as this is also maybe interfering? Whether this is or not, I will be cutting down regardless.
So yes, It’s really tricky because Im trying to ‘relax’ more. But quite frankly it’s seemingly impossible for me to do that, it seems to always be in the back of my mind when engaging in sex now. It seems like it’s past the ‘relax’ stage. Even when I try to just focus on pleasing my partner, then going in whenever im ready. As im pleasing them it’s in the back of my mind that I will eventually have to make the move and start the sex. So yes, all in all im quite worried! Im 22 and never thought that I would be having such issues at least at this age. I know if I can just have a good streak of sex, Im sure ill be fine, it’s just that it’s happened once again and now im in a bit of a sticky situation.
Apologies for the long message but I really really appreciate any advice, help etc on this. Thank you so much!
4 comments
Some viagra or cialis can help with that until you are comfortable with the person
The best advice is to ask your partner to guide your penis to the entrance of their vagina. This is very helpful when you’re worried about your aim. You can’t miss when your partner guides your penis to the entrance of her vagina. There are a lot of men with bad aim who always have to ask their partner for guidance.
You and your ex didn’t use condoms because you were in a monogamous relationship and she was using birth control. You should use condoms until you’re in a monogamous relationship with a partner who’s using birth control. You may be having a hard time using condoms because you’re using condoms that don’t fit your penis. You should use a condom size chart to buy condoms that fit your penis. You should test condoms when you’re masturbating until you find one that fits well. Then you should practice a few more times until you to make sure that you won’t worry about putting a condom on when you’re with a partner.
The r/sex has a section about erection issues that includes a link to a condom sizing chart. [https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/wiki/index/#wiki_erection_issues](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/wiki/index/#wiki_erection_issues) This article does a good job of explaining how to use condoms. [https://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexual_health/condom_basics_a_users_manual](https://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexual_health/condom_basics_a_users_manual) If you search YouYube for “how to use a condom” the the first hit is a bit on the dry side. The second hit is more interesting because the demonstrators are naked.
Time and patience with your partners, and it’s probably time to talk to a professional – therapy.
At they very least, therapy will help you organize your thoughts. There’s a lot of stuff that goes in the body that is definitely affected by every day life. Does masturbate affect your ability to get hard when it comes to sex? Sure. But so can deadlines at a job or failing grades at school.
It’s good that you recognize it’s psychological. That’s where the problem is and it’s also where the answer is. You’ve developed a bit of a pattern, and you’re expecting that pattern to continue. Are there other areas of your life where you feel self conscious? What can you do to make you feel sexy to your partner and to help you know you could take 5 minutes putting on a condom and getting inside and she’d still be totally into you?
Maybe you’re taking sex too seriously and you could introduce more playfulness into it? There have been many times something unexpected has happened during sex and my partner and I had to stop and laugh it off before continuing. It’s all part of spending intimate time together!