I (22F) have never been in a relationship. I have always had the desire to. But whenever it gets close, I chicken out. When I get too many matches in a dating app, I delete the entire thing. When I start getting close to a guy, I back out and make excuses or plain out admit I’m not ready. It’s weird because when I’m very single and have no prospects, I’m constantly fantasizing about my future partner but then when I meet someone, my head gets filled with all of these doubts about how I’ll miss my single life and be sacrificing so much. I don’t know if it’s that I have some kind of attachment fears, I’m not ready for a relationship, or I just haven’t met the right person. I think a little bit of it is also the fear of rejection. What should I do to solve this? It’s like self sabotage.
Edit: I haven’t dated in a while because I know I’m like this. So I stopped pursuing anything for now. Sometimes I’ll entertain someone’s advances for a while but I know it’s an issue that hurts everyone.
9 comments
wow typical fucking woman problems. Have all the validation and opportunity in the world and still fucking complain. Try being a man who gets rejected his entire fucking life
i’m the same way. honestly at least it’s better than people who fall in love after like 2 dates and then get their hearts broken 🤷♀️
You should get therapy and work on the issue you have.
Being avoidant like this doesn’t hurt you but it hurts people you play with. And I say play cuz that’s what it is “I want to be with them, oh no I don’t never mind” that’s a very fcked up thing to do to people. Pushing and pulling someone because you don’t know what you want messes with them. Yeah it doesn’t hurt you but it’s hurts other people.
This is way so many people say never date an avoidant person because they will mentally and emotionally fck you up.
Unless you are getting help for why you are avoidant maybe don’t date. Putting someone in that situation when you have no clue what you actually want is mean. I’m sure you wouldn’t like it if someone did it to you.
Literally same
At least you’re not alone in this. But yeah, it sucks. The only thing I can recommend to you is going to a therapist that specializes in attachment theory and go from there.
>I don’t know if it’s that I have some kind of attachment fears, I’m not ready for a relationship, or I just haven’t met the right person.
As far as I know, I’ve always have had this problem and I can never figure out which one is it. I’ve fallen in “love” with girls who weren’t available more than with the girls I’ve actually been with but I think that’s the exact reason why I fell harder for them: they weren’t available.
At the same time, some of them were very attractive, so it always leaves me wondering if the same fears would have appeared if they had actually decided to be with me.
Sorry I don’t have a more comforting answer. It really sucks. When I’m in a relationship I always doubt and nitpick the fuck outta my partner’s “flaws” and try to justify it by saying to myself they’re not the one / hot enough, or that I’m missing out on the single life. But when I’m single, I miss connecting with someone more than having sex.
If the fears are irrational, then you need to consult a psychotherapist. Btw, being rejected is not as terrible as it seems. People your age idealize relationships. They want everything to be perfect the first time. This does not happen, nature is not perfect and people are not perfect.
Thais Gibson vids (she used to be fearful avoidant, posts daily vids including how a securely attached person might behave eg conflict and has her take on Friends scenario episodes), John Gottman institute, Dr K (- esp good for young people), Jeff Guenther ig, Freetoattach.com, Heidi Preibe, Natalie Lue Baggage Reclaim, thelovingavoidant ig, Coach Court yt and Reddit subs for the attachment style you identify with. I wish I’d known about AT in my 20s, I’m now 60.
If you are serious about fixing your attachment style, start by visiting the [Personal Development School Youtube channel](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHQ4lSaKRap5HyrpitrTOhQ/videos). Watch a few videos to see if anything resonates with you.
I’m not necessarily sure if this is your problem, but are your standards maybe too high? Not saying to lower them, just thinking maybe you haven’t met the guy you will feel comfortable doing the long haul with. I have a lot of these same fears, which is why pretty much everything I’ve done has remained strictly sexual until I meet that girl that really makes me want to commit. I know if I settle for any less I won’t be happy and I will just waste that persons time and hurt their feelings. I’ve done it once and refuse to do it again because it hurt them and made me feel like shit.
I’m also not saying to look for perfection. There does need to be some balance. And if you can’t find that, I agree therapy might be needed. The single life is only so fun until it’s not. But don’t rush into something dumb out of loneliness either. Heck I’ve even considered therapy. I wouldn’t say I absolutely need it but I think it would be healthy to talk through some of my struggles when it comes to the dating world.
This is coming from someone who is nearly 30 and single. Never been in a relationship. As I stated early, I maintained something that got close to it but backed out. So I do feel I am in similar shoes as you.