I (f28) attempted to date back in college but every time I tried, the other person wanted to get way too sexual, way too fast. My first and only proper date, this guy I met at a party took an instant liking to me and cajoled me into seeing *Fifty Shades of Grey* until I agreed. Mind you, this was a school-sponsored event so there was no alcohol, we were all stone-cold sober, that makes it even worse.
Later, I matched with a girl on OkCupid and didn’t realize at the time she was sexting me. She sent me photos of her wet vagina and audio of her masturbating and moaning my name and it freaked me the hell out.
Frustrated with all the horniness, I eventually decided to focus on my studies and career instead. Now that I finally have a stable job I enjoy, I want to get back in the dating pool and find my future husband.
There’s just one problem: I am still *terrified* of having sex. It’s an inevitable part of dating and it just scares me.
I dunno, it isn’t necessarily the act itself I’m afraid of. I’m not afraid of becoming impure, losing my innocence, dishonoring God or whatever crap my old church taught me. It’s just the *idea* that a potential suitor might actually think I’m hot or sexy and want to put his penis inside me is just beyond my understanding. I actually *pity* them! I’m like, you need Jesus! You need Jesus and a good optometrist! Wouldn’t you rather beat your meat thinking about someone who is, you know, *beautiful?* Oh well, there’s no accounting for taste.
Still, I can’t wrap my head around it. I’ve always thought I was hideous! I somehow look like a hobbit and a linebacker at the same time, I have a manly face and freakishly big, Ralph Bakshi cartoon boobs. And the thought that someone might be into that? Puuuuuuke.
I know damn well I’m not asexual. I have those sexual feelings. The fact that I started listening to Rush in high school just to impress a boy I liked (to no avail) is proof that I feel those sexual feelings. Why else would I just listen to music that’s way out of my wheelhouse on purpose?
I am seeing a therapist and I do masturbate from time to time, mainly to relieve stress or just feel something.
All I long for is real, wholesome love with someone who loves me as a person and not just some thing for his sexual needs. I feel like I still have it in my head that relationships cease to be wholesome once you have sex.
Right now, as much as I hate them, apps seem to be the only thing that are conducive to my busy lifestyle. With my work schedule, there’s no guarantee I can attend a church or somesuch social gathering regularly enough to meet a potential suitor organically.
I don’t know how to approach dating or if I even should at all, it is completely uncharted territory for me.
3 comments
Your issue is not fear of sex, but low self esteem. I say this because of this part of your write up:
> I actually pity them! I’m like, you need Jesus! You need Jesus and a good optometrist! Wouldn’t you rather beat your meat thinking about someone who is, you know, beautiful? Oh well, there’s no accounting for taste.
You think that anyone who would find you attractive has impaired vision, literally say that you assume they’d rather go for someone who is beautiful, implying that you think you are NOT beautiful – and then disparage anyone who would find you attractive as having bad taste.
All I can say is yikes! You need to address this with a therapist – we all have our hang ups about our body, but your level of self-hatred just isn’t natural – something/someone/a combo of something AND someone has made you see yourself as undesirable. The fact is, if you are getting to know someone and they express interest in wanting to be intimate with you, they on some level, find you attractive – and attractiveness is entirely subjective. Case in point, my best friend and I are both mid-30s married men. Being completely objective, I look at his wife and cannot see what is attractive about her (I may be married and monogamous but I can still appreciate when a woman is attractive), but clearly my friend sees plenty in her. Neither of us is wrong at all in our opinion of what is beautiful, we just have different tastes – to my friend, his wife is hot, to me, mine can light up my day just be smiling at me.
Time for some soul searching – where does your intense dislike of yourself come from? That just isn’t healthy and there is no shame in admitting that you need some help to explore this. I wish you all the best 🙂
Why God invented psychotherapy
I felt the same way, around the same age. Went on dating apps. I had a couple friendly dates with people that weren’t overly physical but they fizzled out. Then I met a guy who was going too fast again. I stopped going on the apps because it freaked me out so much and I thought I’d rather be single than have to pretend to be interested in a physical relationship with someone who (it felt, although idk if that’s what he meant) was just using me for my body. Then months later, I looked at the dating apps again and very quickly met someone who was willing to go a lot more slowly. After some time, I am now actually able to enjoy being physical with him and look forward to it and even mainly initiate it myself. I’m way more comfortable because we are taking our time. When I was single, people told me that there were guys like this out there. It was hard to believe because of what society says about men, and some of the bad experiences I had. But actually it turns out that they were right – I have now met someone who isn’t *only* about sex and is willing to go at a slower pace, way slower than I believed I could find on a dating app. Very patient. You may not believe me, but it’s possible for you to meet someone like this.
Also – it’s okay for you to have boundaries.