Throw away because – I cant believe I typed this let alone am posting it online.. and its really long – sorry – brevity and I are not good friends..
TLDR – After 25 years my wife said she never wants to be intimate again and that if I want that I should go find it elsewhere. How long do I wait?
Here we go:
My wife and I met when we were in high-school in 1997. As with many long term relationships, we have had good years, great years and bad years. I think a defining factor of our relationship is that we both love one another very much and are best friends, and that has always been enough to see us through the bad times to get back to the good, then great times.
In the middle 2018 we had been in bad few months when she told me that our “relationship had to change”. We talked, and I began to understand exactly how much of her life she had given up to be a SAHM to our two children (12,13 at the time). While she had gone back to school when they were toddlers, and had even started her own business when they were in the elementary school, she had never really been afforded the opportunity to figure out what she wanted from life given how young we were when our oldest was born. This, coupled with some challenges between the two of us, which are largely my responsibility and valid (not infidelity or abuse), had put her in a position where she felt trapped and needed to find a way to be her own person, her own way.
I agreed, asked her what she wanted and how I could help. Shortly after she started a series of new education programs and I asked for marriage counseling.
The new education programs have taken up all of her time, which I knew was going to happen. This means that I have become responsible for almost all of the household chores, all of the shenanigans which come up with pre-teen / teenage children with mental health challenges, pet care as well as earning enough income to pay for it all. I was and am happy to do it, it is my turn to take on these things and I wholeheartedly feel this way and have no regrets. This is ongoing and will most likely last another year or two.
2018 is also when the physical intimacy between us stopped. Emotionally, we have and I think always will be very close, however we have not been consistently physically intimate from holding hands to anything else, since.
Couples therapy lasted about 2 months before she decided she did not feel like it was helping. To be completely fair, she is a very, very private person and there is a level of vulnerability you need to be able to access in order for therapy of any kind to be helpful. To her, it was too much, she felt too exposed and I respect her decision.
I, on the other hand, have been in individual therapy for the last 5 years and it has been very helpful.
Every 6 months or so I would ask if she was ready to start talking about being intimate again. Every time I asked this caused a fight.
It wasn’t until June of this year when I started to realize (accept maybe is better) that she was most likely never going to be attracted to me again, and our romantic partnership was most likely over. It was my birthday weekend and I jokingly asked for a birthday kiss at the end of the night. We had a great day and we were acting like silly teenagers, so I thought it would be ok – it was not. The next few days we talked about the state of our marriage, and she said that she would most likely never be intimate with me again and that it was time to make some changes and open our relationship so that I could have that if I wanted it.
Initially, I said no, because sex is not the only thing I was missing. I was missing all aspects of physical intimacy, but more importantly I was missing those things from her specifically, and that if I just needed to wait, then I would wait.
Since then, we have had some honest conversations about things and I am confident that she truly does not feel any attraction for me anymore. She wants, we both do, to stay married because – look – 25 years – and all the things that live with us – kids, her dad, dogs, cats, chickens – and not only that – we are truly best friends. We love one another still and even without romance, we are good together.
That said, without the romance I am more and more lonely every day. It is something I need in my life, and she knows this, which is why she said I could see other people. While I am accepting of the loss of our relationship, I am not ready to find someone else. I would not even begin to know how if truth be told. I’ve been with my wife since I was 19. 1997. I think of all that has changed since I last asked someone out on a date and I am at a loss. I am fairly fit – I run every day – but I have no real self confidence or sense of feeling attractive after the years of what feels like rejection.
A few weeks ago, taking what she said was her rules about me finding another romantic outlet – “as long as it doesn’t impact the family” – I went out of my way to find a basketball game – essentially I have not been able to play for a bit over a decade for … reasons .. but I figured rather than go find a some random woman to hook up with – I would try to do something else I was missing for myself. I spent an hour or two calling around and finding a pickup game that was during a time we are normally just watching TV – so – not during any time I would be working, taking care of the kids or working on house projects. I told her, and she said no.. I cant go because adding another thing was going to be too much for me and take away from the family – which – is really frustrating. It seems pretty clear that if I cannot even go play basketball, the likelihood of her being ok with me going on a date is pretty much zero.
I am open to hear any feedback. To narrow the question: how long do I need to wait to show respect to the 25 years we have spent in a monogamous relationship? For the love of all that exists, what are the rules even of dating now?
45 comments
She has you backed into a corner and trapped you.
I am a woman, married 27 years, and my advice is to move on. She doesn’t want you, but doesn’t want anyone else to have you, basically. That is selfish.
This doesn’t exactly sound like you are happy? One thing that really impacts a family is one of the members being unfulfilled… you are part of the family, not going is taking away from you. Your kids are teenagers. Has she compromised on anything you need?
You seem like an empathetic, self aware person, who has truly tried to be supportive and loving even in a difficult situation.
You obviously love her, but sometimes that is not enough. It’s clear she wants to control the situation, and your emotions. That is not healthy.
I think you know there is no way you can be intimate with another person while in this relationship. It does not matter what she has told you. You need to consider if you can live in a platonic marriage for the rest of your life. Ending the relationship is not failure and you can still love and support your wife as a friend. You deserve to feel loved in all aspects of a marriage relationship.
Honestly this could go either way, I’ve seen stories like this on reddit before.
You could open the marriage up and get intimate with someone else, that may stir something I’m your wife to be intimate with you again.
But, more likely is that it will confirm she has no more romantic feelings for you and the divorce can be much easier to go through with.
You’ve been accommodating for long enough, you shouldn’t have to suffer loneliness in a marriage. Go find someone who wants to hold your hand and give you a birthday kiss.
Part of our job as parents is to demonstrate healthy relationships. You don’t have to be screaming at each other for kids to pick up on things. Do you want your kids to think this is normal? That couples don’t hold hands or kiss or hug?
And she may have said you could have an open relationship, but you can’t even have a hobby. So how do you think all of that is really going to work out? Why does she even get to dictate what you can and cannot do with regards to a hobby?
Seems to me you guys should have divorced years ago. It’s not just sex that’s an issue and she’s not interested in working on things. She just wants the security and lifestyle she’s become accustomed to.
The only thing I (44F) regret about my divorce was not doing it sooner. I’m happily repartnered and life has been great. I think you should seriously consider it.
As for dating in this day and age….I think you have some time before you need to worry about that. But Tinder is pretty easy to use and lots of people have success.
Thats a tough one, man. Definitely not sustainable. She is basically holding you hostage at this point because she wants her freedom to “achieve her aspirations” and avoid doing any of the actual familial responsibilities and instead lay all of it on your shoulders, with no gratitude and no outlet for your own interests. Im not saying threaten divorce just yet, but stand your ground. She isnt the only person with dreams, interests and feelings in the relationship.
You deserve to be loved and you deserve to be intimate with someone that wants to be intimate with you. You deserve to play basketball. She wants it all the same and she said she is willing to let you go find someone, but that isn’t true.
Yes you guys have animals, her dad, and kids. I would not want my kids to think staying in a platonic relationship where there isn’t romantic love is okay.
You are modeling for them, and showing them.
Yes she sacrificed but all couples do. She refuses to put in the work for the marriage. Not just because she is a private person, she just doesn’t want to do the work and didn’t give it a try BECAUSE it was probably bringing something up on her to look a long hard look at yourself.
You are in therapy. Talk to your therapist about this. I feel so bad for you. No one is perfect, but you both deserve someone who is a right fit for you.
So question, you are 44 years old mate, why the hell are you asking permission to go play ball?
For that matter, I get the 25 years, but she has left this relationship a long time ago. The family has already been altered.
You need to do what’s best for you right now. She needs to stop being your priority. Your no longer hers.
If you want to stay married, your choice, but you need to start focusing on your happiness and less about what she needs. She just wants the security of the relationship which means her opinion on anything else regarding you your needs, and what you do when, is no longer none of her business.
When you married, you agreed to be exclusive to one another, be a partnership, and to meet each other’s needs. That includes sex. She has decided that she no longer needs to fufill all of her end of the agreement, but you must keep your end up. Do not think for a minute if you sleep with someone else that it will actually be ok with her. You are now basically living under her rule set and she controls your lives together. If you are ok with that, good luck.
I was generally sympathetic with both of you riiiiight up until the point where you wanted to go find a basketball game to play in and she said “no.”
Like, she says “go find other partners” but she has a convenient… “as long as it doesn’t impact the family” clause, which she can interpret in whatever way she likes.
Surely she understands that she’s setting up a situation where divorce is the only option, right? Is that her plan? If so, it’s a weird plan. She pushes you away emotionally (not just sexually), but then still is controlling enough to say “that takes away from the family” when you just want a hobby. And you are 100% right that if she said THAT, there is no way she’ll be ok with you going on a date some evening.
Looking to the future… I know it’s scary. Yes, things have changed a lot in terms of dating. But remember something very important: you aren’t (I hope) going to be dating 20 year olds. You would be dating people in their late 30s and 40s. People with life experience, their own pasts, people who understand what it’s like to get back in the dating life, and most importantly, people who are equally not up on the latest dating trends. I think you’ll find far more understanding than you think.
You say you haven’t been able to play for a bit over a decade but are not stating the reasons. They may be relevant? Has she discouraged you from doing so? She seems adamant about controlling your time.
Sorry this is happening to you. In my opinion you should seek a divorce. You are only hurting yourself by continuing to stay in a loveless marriage and you are setting this example for the kids. Recommending you consult with an attorney for your options. Stop asking for your wifes permission to go out. Finally you should read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy. You can still be friends with your wife but the marriage needs to end.
She doesn’t want a husband she wants a pet.
She is using you to fulfill her needs. I get that you don’t want to rock the boat, but uhm… she kicked your ass out of the boat and is now demanding you swim alongside the boat.
What are you teaching the kids? Is ok to be unfulfilled and unwanted in a relationship? They shouldn’t live a full life?
Stay where you aren’t wanted because it’s easier and happiness isn’t important. If your partner can’t be bothered to do anything to save the relationship you just die alone.
Really?
You’re 44. That’s a lot of years left to be miserable. You’re friends now, but I doubt that’s going to last much longer with you not mattering even to yourself.
Sex alone isn’t going to do shit for you, you’ve made it very clear you’re craving relationship intimacy, sex is just a PART of that. Hook ups are probably just going to make you resent her more.
You can be friends during and after a divorce.
You want and need a mate, to get that you have to end her role as your wife.
From a slightly older woman’s perspective. It could be she is have hormones or a lack thereof. She could be menopausal and not know it.
You are being very accommodating from what you wrote. It is very confusing to be in a committed relationship when one partner is lost.
I think you need to lay some boundaries down. Serious boundaries. Pick a weekend you can send your FIL and kids away to do something and you and wifey need to really talk. Shit needs to be defined and laid out so that each of you can be happy in your relationship. For it sounds like she is punishing you because she was unhappy for a long time. She never learned to communicate that. She id not alone. Lots of women had societal pressure to give up careers to raise the kids/take care of the home after marriage while the man went to work etc etc.
She needs to reconcile that it was her choice(not informed but expected of her) to stay at home. But now that the kids are almost grown she has this time and I’d not fulfilled like she was expecting.
You are doing good in supporting her. She needs to cut you some slack about your free time tho. For in this regard it does sound like she is punishing you.
You need to have a down and dirty convo. Your priority is her. She has to concede to requests you’ve made so that you don’t go apeshit on her and the marriage.
Oh, I’m betting the kids see what’s going on.
Stop letting her be controlling. You do what you want. She doesn’t like it, too bad.
I think the best thing to do is divorce.
You should not need her permission to play basketball. This whole relationship sounds like it has become very controlling & sad. There are compromises that could be made – but she doesn’t want to put any effort in.
If she won’t let you take 2 hours to play a sport, exactly when/how are you going to pursue the open relationship she suggested? You aren’t. And she knew that when she suggested it. It just gave her a way to say “well I tried by offering an open relationship.”
If you are determined to stay in the marriage you have to find activities you will enjoy, so I whole heartedly agree with the pickup basketball. She will need to adjust.
I can see you are a very respectful person and love your wife so what I say next may rub you the wrong way….interestingly, with your wife opening the marriage, you are now in a position of strength in the relationship. You can literally do what you want and she has to accept it because she doesn’t have all that much that you need, and she wants the security of staying married.
Now, I’m not suggesting at all that you abuse it, but understand the power dynamic, and use it to build the life you want. You can say I’m doing it and still be kind, but firm.
Holy shit man, you’ve already wasted 4 years, that’s more than enough
*and she said that she would most likely never be intimate with me again and that it was time to make some changes*
The solution is not opening up the relationship, it’s making the hard choice and separating.
*taking what she said was her rules about me finding another romantic outlet – “as long as it doesn’t impact the family”*
By default it affects the family, your kids arent blind.
*It seems pretty clear that if I cannot even go play basketball, the likelihood of her being ok with me going on a date is pretty much zero.*
Ding ding ding! That’s the answer. She wont be happy if you actually find someone.
You got 3 options;
1- Stay complacent in a deadbedroom relationship. You’ll grow more depressed and resent your wife.
2- try to find a side piece while navigating your wife’s rules. We already saw how that will go, you’ll probably feel too guilty about it anyways.
Plus, like you said, it’s not just to fuck, you need touch to affirm your affection.
3- split up, find someone you’re compatible with. It won’t be easy, but which option sounds the most enticing?
You know she wont change. You get into fights every time, even just asking for a kiss. She refuses therapy.
You’re 44, you have a lot of life left but you’re also at the age where you shouldn’t waste time. It sounds like your wife gave up a long time ago. I get that she’s you’re best friend but don’t you deserve to be desired by that person? Some people would be fine with an open marriage arrangement but you sound like you want a partner in all aspects of life. Don’t deny yourself that especially when you’ve tried to fix your marriage while she seems content to do nothing.
It doesn’t matter what the rules of dating are because I guarantee you your wife won’t actually let you date. She will always say it’s taking away from the family.
Your wife wants the points of saying she’s helping you meet your needs without actually doing anything to meet them. Hence the vague “without taking away from the family”. It’s a trump card she can say about ANYTHING because any time you’re spending on someone or something else is time you’re not spending with your family.
The blunt truth is you’re not going to get happier or make any changes while you’re with her. She won’t allow you the time to date. And frankly even if she did allow you to, 100% she would blow up once you actually started to have feelings for someone else. Which after years of being starved of intimacy it’s practically a given to get feelings unless you’re strictly doing ONS.
So, what you need to explore in your therapy is what you really want. Do you want to stay in your marriage AS IS? Because it’s pretty clear your wife is ALL TALK when it comes to any changes that could make you happier or more fulfilled. Or do you need to start coming to turns with 25 years is as far as it makes. Do you still want to feel the way you are now at 30 years of marriage? 35?
She doesn’t actually want you to do anything. She wants you to drop the topic, shut up and carry on because that’s what she’s doing. This is untenable for you. You need to have another conversation and give an ultimatum.
Bottom line is you are not getting anything tangible out of your marriage and your wife gets everything she wants. She probably wins every argument with you by throwing a tantrum and waiting for you to give in.
She will never change and do more for you. This is who she is. She feels like she is the victim even though you do everything. Decide if this is what you want and stop hoping for things to be better 6 months from now.
This is madness, she can’t just unilaterally end the relationship while also dumping 100% responsibility on you and also telling you what you can and can’t do. You don’t need to ask her permission for a basketball game or anything else and she needs to resume her role as a mother and wife if she isn’t contributing, which it sounds like she isn’t. Honestly she just sounds wildly selfish and is walking over you.
So I’m curious while you were busting your ass to provide all of this did you get to explore your aspirations?
Or were you just a workhorse for your family. I just don’t get how one partner in a relationship dynamic that they chose just suddenly becomes so oppressed.
Your marriage is dead. I’m sorry to be so blunt but it is. There is literally nothing left here. The fact that you can’t even get a kiss is absurd! My brother in Christ, go out and live your life! You are 44! That is still young to find a soulmate! Don’t you want to travel? Experience new things in life? Make amazing new memories? Well it won’t happen here! At least not with her. You are both holding on to a bullshit relationship that has been dead. You can still be friends even after a divorce, but you don’t and should not remain married. Go out and play basketball. Enjoy your freedom
I think you NEED to divorce because this is not making you happy. How the hell are you supposed to be getting with other people when your wife won’t even let you go play basketball. You can still be friends and co-parents but this marriage is not good for you.
> _A few weeks ago, taking what she said was her rules about me finding another romantic outlet – “as long as it doesn’t impact the family”_ …. I told her, and she said no.. _I cant go because adding another thing was going to be too much for me and take away from the family_.
And, there it is. She is giving you the appearance of being willing to compromise while at the same time using a blanket excuse to never compromise. Taken far enough, every single action you take has the potential to ‘impact the family.’ She can drag this out indefinitely by giving you the impression she is willing to engage in compromise while directing your every action.
The reality is that you and her are no longer a family beyond the legal contract. She has exited the relationship completely and is just a coparent/roommate. The only family left is you and the kids, as you’re the only one participating. She doesn’t get to withdraw like that and then also tell you what you can and can’t do with your own free time.
If she is really willing to let you go elsewhere for intimacy, she should be okay with you guys drawing up a contract with a lawyer that you and her can both agree on and that meets both of your needs (for example, you need some free time to live your own life, spelled out in the contract, that she doesn’t get to veto, and so on), then getting that contract notarized. If she is unwilling to give any ground, then you’ll know the reality of the situation is that she’s holding you hostage and using you. That’s not even a friendship anymore — it’s abuse. In that case, your only hope is divorce. Gather up all the documentation of you going to personal therapy, paying for all the family upkeep, taking care of the kids 100%, and all that, and get to a good divorce lawyer and get custody. I mean, you already know you can handle single parenthood because you’re already doing it.
Note: don’t go out and have a relationship with anybody else until you either have that contract documented or a separation/divorce. If you do, she can then turn around and use that as grounds for divorce, and try to take everything from you. She has not demonstrated any good faith, so you can’t trust her word.
One further consideration: you are currently modeling a broken relationship to your kids. Give that serious consideration before ruling out a separation.
Don’t do it, it’s a trap and will likely end your marriage. My best guess is that she’s going through hormonal changes or is depressed. I think you should fix that and sort it out. Cheating even if she gives permission is only going to make it fail faster. All of those others things you think “are good between you” aren’t going to be good anymore.
I hate to say it because I’ve just come out of a one-sided relationship and know how much it hurts to walk away, but you need to put some ultimatums on the table and be prepared to leave.
I’d first say that it isn’t sustainable for you and you are monogamous so you don’t want to open the relationship up, that if she doesn’t agree to couples therapy and sticks to it, you’ll need to leave because it will be better for both of you in the long run. Staying together for the kids and chickens will only cause further resentment and may negatively affect them.
As for basketball, you need to be firm and go. She’s doing her courses, you need a support network and it isn’t healthy to be stuck in together when you’re in a rut.
Good luck! 🖤
You should be able to play a basketball game. This is ridiculous. You are being too nice, I don’t care what happened in the past. Don’t even get me started on the open relationship thing. I would go ahead and separate if this was me. You can always try to remain friends, which is what you are now anyway.
Under these circumstances you will never be able to have another relationship because it’s impossible for it to “not affect the family”. As you say, basketball is a “no”, so how will a date go down?
Your wife is being unreasonable, and, frankly, you need to stop enabling her to pile all of the parental duties on you. Regardless of what happened when your kids were younger, it’s not fair. You’ve recognized past mistakes but you don’t owe her penance.
What exactly does she contribute to the household? I’m not judging or arguing about why or how your wife feels what she feels, but you are in an impossible position. And when will she find another relationship (that will definitely affect the family)? Because that’s bound to happen now that you’ve got the green light (that’s actually red, it seems).
You two need to talk to a lawyer and divorce. You’re “best friends” but she sounds incredibly cold to you. Intimacy is so important in a relationship. Don’t think about “25 years” or the kids or the logistics of divorcing. Recognize and accept that you deserve to be happy and you are not happy in this frustrating, dead-end situation.
I am in a similar situation. My wife (f53) and I (m56) have had no intimacy for 3 years. She does not find herself or me attractive and does not want to ever have sex again.
She has also offered me the ability to go outside the marriage, which I declined. She thinks it is about sex, and says other than that, we love each other and are good for each other. Our children are almost out of the house.
What she doesn’t understand is how it kills me that there is NO physical intimacy. She does not hold my hand, cuddle with me. If we accidentally touch each other getting dressed in the bathroom, she says ‘excuse me’ like I am a stranger.
I am further along in life than you, and sex is not such a priority. But the thought of living alone (once the kids are gone) with a roommate who won’t even kindly rub my shoulder when she walks by, is literally heart breaking.
We have committed to having weekly date nights. I am making an effort to initiate and find activities for us (which she rightfully pointed out that I had deferred to her for the last 20 years).
I am basically trying to start dating my wife as if we are new, in the hopes of seeing if what we can rekindle is worth spending our last 20-30 years together.
I guess no true advice here, just some empathy for your situation. It is not easy for men later in life to just go find random hook ups. It takes time, effort and determination to get back out there and find others who want sex with no attachment to a late middle aged man. I told my wife, even if I tried, it would eventually destroy our marriage. How would I compare another woman showing me physical attention and kindness to what I have at home?
My wife unlike yours, is supportive of me looking to get out to the gym, meet new friends and find a hobby after 20 years of us both being focused on our kids. But I understand your children are younger.
Will we decide we can be best friends and platonic lovers’? I don’t know, but I am committed to try for a while (next couple of years until our boys are fully on their own).
Good luck to you, I feel your pain.
Divorce
This will end in a break up. That’s definitive. What is not definitive is when will it happen. Do you want to wait another 10 years? Or maybe till the kids go to college? I can’t imagine this continuing much longer after kids leave. I was going to say see if she has a a medial reason for low sex drive but then as I read your post I realized you are craving a connection and intimacy. Which she is not giving you. I mean even best friends have some closeness and physical hugs and you don’t have that with her. I think one of the posts was correct to suggest she is stringing you along because why wouldn’t she. There is nothing she is sacrificing or giving to the relationship but getting what she wants back. Even if she allows you to date, you are seeking connection and have hunger for that. You are going to find it and leave. This is not about sex. You are a human being and deserve love. The kids complicate things and the history so really it’s up to you to figure out the timeline on when you go an live your life. Marriages sometime don’t work out. I’ve been there. It does not invalidate your 25 years. You don’t have to drag it on. It’s just not there anymore. But I can’t tell you when to do it cause you got kids. And I know people say it doesn’t matter and you want to show kids what normal relationship is like. But I think it does matter. Kids want to see that they are being put first. I mean unless it’s straight up abusive relationship. Then yes kids don’t need that. Your kids are close to HS and will have their own lives soon so maybe time for you to get your own life too.
She’s decided intimacy is over. She’s decided you will do all the homestead work. She’s decided to occupy her time with education programs. She’s decided you can’t play basketball because it adds too much and takes away from family.
When will YOUR input/wants/desires start to matter?
Honestly this would be end game for me. You sound like a prisoner. Zero concern for your well-being, she gets to do whatever she wants, you get to toe the line.
I wouldn’t live like that. A marriage is a partnership of equals. Not one person dictating how everything works, while not putting effort into the marriage at all.
So, the thing is that a transition from monogamy to polyamory is not just deciding to date another person in a monogamous context; it’s a fundamental paradigm shift. You would be killing your monogamous relationship and trying to build it up from scratch. There is no magical unicorn mistress that wants to be with a middle-aged man in private for two hours every three months when his wife doesn’t mind; those people have lives of their own and will want to be integrated into your life as a partner.
Essentially, what your wife asked of you was impossible and unfair (to you and your potential partner) and if she’s serious about you opening up the relationship, she needs to realize that it means de-escalation of your own relationship with each other. You should both be individuals in a dyad; not a dysfunctional unit each trying to submerge your own needs to the will of the couple.
It sounds like she’s done with the relationship, but paranoid about losing it when you figure out that you could have all of this with another person who actually likes you and wants to touch you. And the only way to figure out what the rules are is to negotiate them together, with your words. But she needs to have that conversation and you need to stop asking for permission, because you already received it. Tell her you are going to a basketball game and then do it! Turn off your phone! You are an independent agent and she does not own your time if you have no commitments. Put it in the shared family calendar. Do it regularly. This is your time now, barring an emergency. And make sure she has her own time as well to develop her own stuff and interests.
I’m so sorry. It sounds like your wife broke up with you in 2018 and is just living in the manner that is most convenient for herself – with you paying for everything and doing the work of a husband without being a husband. You aren’t even allowed to do one thing for yourself, and that isn’t a tenable situation even in a real marriage.
Your wife once sat you down and laid out how it was going to be to you. It’s time for you to make up your mind about what you want to do about this situation and do the same.
Yeah, definetely a lot of resentment, for not having the same chances. For her is revenge time. She will not tell you that of course, being an introvert. Good luck.
you are very vague about some things that I feel… hold your story back.
>This, coupled with some challenges between the two of us, which are largely my responsibility and valid (not infidelity or abuse), had put her in a position where she felt trapped and needed to find a way to be her own person, her own way.
what did you do?
> I went out of my way to find a basketball game – essentially I have not been able to play for a bit over a decade for … reasons .. but I figured rather than go find a some random woman to hook up with – I would try to do something else I was missing for myself.
what reasons?
>We love one another still and even without romance, we are good together.
from everything else, this is objectively not true, but before we can get into why your wife set up a situation where she insists you remain unhappy, you need to tell us what you did to help break this marriage down and why you very simply couldn’t play basketball for a decade without being super weirdly vague about it.
I think maybe you are underestimating the problem here. You say she’s not “attracted” to you anymore. That would explain the lack of sex. However, it doesn’t explain her lack of ANY intimacy towards you. She couldn’t kiss you on your birthday? That caused a fight?
I frankly think she hates you, she certainly doesn’t respect you. Sounds like to her mind you ruined her life. The only reason she wants you around at all is what you do for her and the kids. It sounds kind of like she resents the kids too and she has made them your problem to deal with. You may think of her as your best friend but she doesn’t think of you that way.
It’s time to take control of your life. Give her some of the responsibilities of the household and tell her it’s so you can find someone else who will love and respect me. Ignore her rules and do what you want. Whether she likes her life or not, she has responsibilities to your children and you and you need to hold her to that, not give in to every whim she has.
To be blunt, right now in her mind you are an ATM, babysitter and housekeeper. She doesn’t love you, she doesn’t even like you. You are much more than those things, go out and find your future life, this marriage is over, has been for a long time.
When are you up for parole?
25yrs or not if she isn’t even going to kiss me is time to move on. Divorce is the only option in my opinion, sorry
“if I want that I should go find it elsewhere.”
I’ve heard that before. Turned out there was someone else.
My wife said something similar, though a bit more tempered… “my perfect relationship would have zero physical intimacy involved.”
My kid are still young (4 under 10) and one has an ultimately terminal illness. If not for that I would be talking to divorce attorneys. If I were in your position where the kids are older, she’s taken a hardline stance, and is attempting to control how you spend your time? I’d have a real hard time not calling it a day and getting the lawyers involved.
I haven’t read all the comments, but my perspective is different than most peoples here, so maybe it’s valuable.
Obviously step 1 is decide to stay on the marriage or not, I’m sure that horse has been beaten.
If you are going to have an open marriage, this is one of the common reasons. The best perspective I have, is don’t mourn the relationship, realize that part of the relationship was amazing and now it’s changed. There are still amazing parts of the relationship and be happy you can have those with her! I’m not trying to downplay the difficulty, just pointing that if you are going to stay in it, appreciate why you made that decision and the upsides of it.
Poly is about the concept that you can have more than one love in your life just like you have multiple friends you love. The love for one doesn’t take away from the love for the others.
Open marriages take a lot of communication, often uncomfortable amounts. There are different forms it can take but to me maintaining the ethics of no secrets and everything above board is key.
Before diving into it face first, read about it, there are a couple books I read before going this route on life. There is a polyamorous, open marriage, nonmonogamy subs here with tons of people stories and experiences.
One thing that flagged my interest was the basketball thing. One of the hurdles people face is setting boundaries . So your wife said she needs the family to be unaffected, that’s reasonable to an extent. I would push to modify that to “negatively affected”, which is probably what she really means.
Sometimes when someone agrees to open a marriage but they aren’t actually comfortable with it, they create boundaries so strict there is no way to see anyone within those boundaries. If I say my partner can only deal with other partners when I’m not around, they aren’t allowed in my house and I’m not comfortable with her being out alone with them. We’ll I’ve just actually said she can’t can’t see anyone,right?
Boundaries are not about behavior, they are about feelings. So a fair boundary is “I’m afraid this could impact our family and the reason I want to open the marriage is to preserve the family unit. I’m worried your attention will go somewhere else and we will suffer”. That’s an appropriate boundary, you then can choose the behaviors that meet the need.
In reality, this will take you away from your family, as would basketball. That’s not bad, having a happy healthy dad but for a couple hours less a week is a good trade and a positive for the family.
If it’s partners or basketball, you are going to have to make time in your life for it, she’s going to have to be ok with that. She sounds like a smart and driven woman. She knows it’s going to take some of your time, my guess is this is a roadblock set out to keep it from coming to fruition. I think it’s worth putting all the cards on the table.
It’s going to take multiple communication sessions, don’t rush it.