Hey Guys!
Been in together with my spouse for 9 years and married 1. We are both 35 and have a toddler together . Been going through a lot but I was wondering does anyone still get “butterflies” and have that “spark / newlywed feeling “
after so many years . I , obviously, know it isn’t a consistent feeling but was wondering if anyone still has those at times!
I was venting to a friend who she has been together with her husband for 12 years. In the conversation, she shocked me when she said she still gets those feelings at times . And then I was shocked that I don’t recall having that feeling anymore . Anyways just looking for thoughts !
4 comments
yup. 22 years married 4 kids and we still get lovey dovey. it isn’t persistent and it had to be cultivated. love is a verb. the first handful of years was super hard and we both could have easily lost interest. we struggled to make love consistently and when we fought there was sometimes we wouldn’t speak for a day or so. the other thing is i really spent a lot of energy to keep my brain away from lust/porn. she has access to my phone computer ect. we don’t have secrets and we make sure we connect almost everyday. trust is so important and must be a huge part of your energy to cultivate trust in every aspect of the relationship. in that garden the butterflies show up regularly add regular orgasms to that and nothing will stop that love.
I’d like for you to understand the concept of [limerence](https://www.google.com/search?q=limerence) vs. love. Limerence is very powerful and it hits us automatically. It’s the urges and yearning we feel early in a relationship. However, it never lasts. Limerence lasts at most 3 years and is gone forever.
Love, on the other hand is a **decision** we make. We *choose* to love. It isn’t automatic and doesn’t have the sexual urgency that limerence has. But it grows much deeper in profound ways when we choose to love for years on end. In time it becomes second nature and grows on itself, deeper and more fulfilling than limerence ever could have been.
How do we cultivate those feelings? That’s on you two. No one else is going to make it happen.
There are two key concepts to help on that which I’d like to pass along, and [I put them in this comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/usd52a/people_in_happy_marriages_give_me_your_top_tip_to/i931q2u/) not too long ago.
Yes, often. He’s the sexiest, most handsome man in the world. 10 years together and we are still very affectionate and obsessed with each other.
My wife and I are both working through a lot of issues and hang-ups we previously didn’t even know we had, and trying to be more free and open with each other. And yeah it kind of feels like that again, though we’ve always been a rather touchy-feely couple even when things weren’t so great. Though perhaps more out of habit than anything else.