My stepmom was my Dad´s AP
This is my first time using reddit and english is not my first language
When i (22M) was 4 my Dad(42M) divorced my mom. About a year later he introduced me to my stepmom (42F). She had two twin girls( N and D 22F). They married only a few months and went on to have three more kids, G( M) L(M) and S(F).
My father adopted N and D because their bio father was not involved. I´ve always considered all 5 of them ( N,D,G,L and S) my siblings and we´ve never used step or half to refer to eachother.
When i was 6, shortly after G´s birth, my mom passed away in a car accident and because of it i started to live with my dad full time.
My relationship with my stepmom improved from there. She never adopted me however she, along with my dad, keept my mom´s memory alive by keeping in touch with my maternal grandparents and other relatives and visiting her grave with me on special days. I started calling her mom when i was around 7 or 8 and she refers to me as her eldest child ( me and the twins are the same age but i was born first)
After i turned 18 i started to work but i continued to live with my parents.
Last week i was in the attic when i found a photo album that i have never seen before. I opened it and i saw several pictures of my dad, my stepmom and the twins when they were babies, which made no sense to me because, like i said we were todlers when our parents met.
I decided to confront my parents about it. They were sit alone in the kithen and asked them how they met, they told the same story, that soon after my dad´s divorce he met my stepmom though a mutual friend. when they were done i place one of the pictures on the table and told them that i wanted the truth.
I could tell by my dad´s face he understood what i meant. My dad told me that his marriage with my mom was going though a hard time because of my mom´s infertility issues, one day he met my stepmom and things escalated quickly and when he was ready to leave my mom she founded out that she was pregant but so did my stepmom at the same time, he lied to my mom several times so that he could spend time with my stepmom and teh twins, one day he admited to my mom that he was having an affair and they got divorced.
I looked at my stepmom and she was in tears, tehy both tried to say sorry but i just couldn´t stay in that house anylonger. i´m currently staying at my gf´s parents house. I have talked to G, L and S, it pained me alot and G has said that S has cried for me and that just breaks my heart.
I have refused to talk with my parents or to N and D. The three of them lied to me.
I feel like my life was built on lies and i am lost, i do not know what to do, i still love my sisters and my parents but they, especialy my parents, have hurted me. so much.
Edit: fixed typo
17 comments
All I can say is never stay close with a cheater.. they lied to u and would continue lying if u didn’t find the pic..remember that before taking any decision
However you decide to proceed with your dad and step mother, keep in mind that it’s unlikely your sisters lied to you. Like you they were probably too young to understand the extent of what was going on and just believed the version of events that their parents fed to them.
As for your parents that’s a whole other ball of suck that you’re going to have to sort out. There’s no right or wrong answer here, there is no undoing or making up for what they did, and for you it’s a very fresh betrayal of your mother’s memory that colors your childhood in a negative light, so it may take some time for the sting to go away. You definitely made the correct move to get some space so you can consider everything on your own without feeling pressured to come to an immediate decision on whether or not you’ll be able to forgive them and move forward.
I’m sorry, man. Nobody deserves to have whatever seemed to be reality crumble in front of your eyes. You now have a lot to process; don’t try to rush *anything*, take your time, and surround yourself with people who care about you. Make sure you’re eating and sleeping right; it’s easy to let go of the most basic things when you’re so overwhelmed.
Affairs go far beyond the spouses, and right now you’re another victim of their lies. You could maybe check r/survivinginfidelity and r/SupportforBetrayed; I’m not sure of how emcompassing their definition of betrayed is, but I would certainly consider you one.
There really isn’t a tried-and-true method of dealing with this; everyone’s circumstances are unique. Maybe you’ll get over this, maybe you won’t, maybe you can settle for some low contact with them, maybe you change your mind throughout the years – whatever you decide to do, make sure it works for *you*. Again, don’t be pressured to do anything you don’t want to. Some therapy could help, but either way don’t keep things for yourself. Even if it’s online, having someone to talk to could help you process this whole thing. I personally would follow the advice given to those cheated – take some time for yourself, focus on your hobbies and whatever you like doing, keep your mind busy. With some distance from this whole mess you might attain enough clarity to decide on how to proceed.
I wish you the best.
Updateme!
Unfortunately it’s going to take time bud, and they’re going to have to realise they need to earn your trust and respect back it’s all fair saying sorry now but you’ve had your entire life up till now where they’ve essentially lied to you about everything and it’s going to cause you a lot of emotions. Maybe reach out to your Grandparents and maybe ask what they knew, as you’ve kept in touch and they must have known some of this too.
Maybe ask your GF and her parents for some time to talk and get their advice as you’re going to need to talk about it as if you don’t it may build up more resentment.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Betrayal from an affair cuts deep and knowing now the pain your mom went through with your dad makes it even worse. Your step mom and dad lied to you for all those years. You’re trust for them has taken a major hit. But you can move beyond this with therapy and supportive friends and family. Perhaps your moms side now. If you want to maintain a relationship with them I would recommend baby steps, otherwise you could go no contact. The trust is gone.
Bro karma can’t be real,your mom was lied to, cheated on then left and as a reward. she died in a car accident, and the persons that she probably thought ruined her life, get to play hero step mom and father. That’s so sick.
Go put some flowers on your mom’a grave, sounds like she had it rough.
Don’t blame children for your father’s betrayal. They are still your sisters and I am sure love you. Even if they somehow knew how much pressure do you think they would be under?
I am glad you stepped away from your father. You need time to sort out everything.
My father also married AP who had kids, and my mum turned to alcohol for decades. Eventually you will have an opportunity to have your own family and do it right. Try to preserve your capacity to do that. It’s hard to take the moral lessons, even strongly disapprove and be terribly disappointed, see the lame platitudes for what they are, but to keep an even keel, not blow everything up. You might find a way to like your father and step mother as flawed humans. If you are like me, they won’t really be your parents anymore in some important ways.
I was about your age when I found out my dad had a side piece. I don’t know the extent of it, if it was the first or only one, but at least I know there are no other children. I know your situation is different OP, both my parents are still alive and have remained together many decades. Their marriage is far for perfect, but they chose to stay “together for the kids”.
The only thing I can share, in case it helps you, is how I chose to make peace of it myself. Both things can be true: My dad is a shitty husband because he went and found the attention/physical-whatever-he-wanted outside of his marriage, with no previous agreement with my mother. He has also cared about her, taken care of her financially, and in a weird way also loves her very much. He also has been a generous and inconditional father towards us. Do the good things erase how shitty his infidelity was? No. Does the infidelity erase the good things he has done? Also no.
It took me a while to reconcile that good people do shitty things too. That’s human. I lost a bit of respect of thim that I wont get back, but I was able to forgive him. Would I want that or forgive that from a partner? No.
Take time to heal. Evaluate how their behavior towards you has been, and also how they handle the aftermath of this. I wish you healing OP. Bless your mom who’s watched over you as well.
The whole thing was a lie. The bio father was your father, and he got two women pregnant at the same time. Your stepmother faked support for your mother this whole time. You’re right to be angry.
I hope things get better for you.
>My father adopted N and D because their bio father was not involved.
Is this true or part of the lie? Is your Dad in fact the twins’ bio father, and they all fabricated a separate absent father and adoption??! How much do N and D actually know?
Regardless of that question, I think you need to really take your time and be gentle with yourself while you take all this in. It’s an awful lot to process, almost unimaginable that people who love you could lie and decieve you to such a heartbreaking extent. I really feel for you. Get some counselling, look after yourself, and I wish you luck.
I can understand your hurt but to look at it the other way. When do you think you should have been told about this? When your mother died? Your relationship with your father and step mother would never have had a chance. You would never have gotten along with the twins.
Yes, they were wrong to cheat. Yes, they should have told you but when is the issue. They also did some good things, the biggest being to keep you connected to your mother’s family, that doesn’t always happen. Your stepmother must have done some good things for you for you to call her “mom.”
It’s a very heartbreaking thing when you find out that your parents are flawed and make big mistakes but eventually it happens to everyone. The question is can you look at the entirety of how they raised you, look at their very real flaws and mistakes and hopefully you can forgive them. Remember, they did what they did to you out of love, it’s wasn’t some scheme to hurt you.
Find someone you can trust to talk about this. Maybe get some counseling. Also, remember you have 2 half brothers and a half sister now, they’re going to need their big brother. Good luck.
Your mom’s infertility?
Your dad is 42, which means he was 20 when you were born. What fucking infertility is he talking about? Had they been trying to get pregnant since high school? Had they been to the doctor?
Unless you got your dad’s age wrong, this story is BS; either your dad’s story is BS or this post.
OP I am heartbroken and mad for you. I have a REALLY hard time with lying. As I was a child from divorced parents due to an affair I understand how devastating it can be. I am sorry you found out about the deceptions of your childhood in such a disrespectful way.
Truthfully I am PO’d for your twin sisters also. Either they were told to lie their entire childhood (GRRR) or they were lied too. WTH?! They had every right to know that your dad was their bio dad and claim him as such. Their parents bad behavior cost them too. Ugh what is the saying about tangled webs when we practice to deceive?
Wait so the twins are your dads!?
I’m sorry to hear this OP, its a very horrible situation.
This is really painful. Take time for yourself. Maybe in a while, you can forgive them but not right away, and it could take years to get over this. Contact your mom’s family if any are around.