I feel unheard and invalidated in my relationship with my boyfriend. And that’s how he feels about me.
We have a serious issue with communication, where both accuses the other of not extending sympathy and empathy. I acknowledge that we’re both to blame, and I’ve been trying to get to the root(s) of the issue.
Unfortunately, I think he dodges his responsibility in all of this, and makes me feel like he doesn’t care about my emotions because he openly blames me for starting every argument. I do express when he does something to me that I don’t like, which can result in arguments, but I don’t think that’s the same as starting every argument.
He also accuses me of not understanding his perspective and lacking empathy for his side. I have considered that he’s likely correct, but it’s hard to want to extend the empathy he’s asking for because I don’t think he ever takes what I say or feel to heart.
I’ve tried to extend the olive branch by apologizing for the actions he’s accused me of, then saying, “I’ll continue to empathize with your side if you do for mine.” But he responded that I am still the one who is mostly to blame, that I overreact, and that I’m emotionally immature.
Most of the time, I feel like I can’t even open my mouth for 10 seconds without him pointing out how it’s actually me who is at fault.
If I tell him I don’t like it when he talks down to me? He either says he’s stressed out and can’t afford to put a lot of energy into the discussion, or interrupts me to say that was a “long time ago so why am I bringing that example up.” (I brought it up to express that I don’t want him to do it in the future because it’s happened several times in the past.)
If I tell him I don’t appreciate him chastising me for crying? He says that I’m emotionally immature, and whatever I’m crying about isn’t a big deal and not worth crying over. (I want him to know it’s invalidating to say that to me. Maybe it’s not a big deal to him, but it is to me, and it’s not productive to try to convince me that I shouldn’t feel the way I did.)
Hell, if I express when he does something to me that I really didn’t like? He says that it sounds like I’m “scolding” him, which causes him to emotionally shut down or become defensive.
There are times where I feel like I’m in an emotionally abusive relationship because of the responses I get from him. I feel like I can’t get him to understand how much this is hurting me, because he’s most likely going to just say that all the arguments are my fault, and everything I have a problem with is due to any unresolved insecurities I have. (Because he has said this to me.)
It usually spirals into me telling him that he’s not listening to me, which prompts him to say I don’t listen to him…and so on and so forth.
We obviously haven’t been able to make any progress, but I desperately need help.
TL;DR- Boyfriend accuses me of constantly not listening to his side during arguments; I feel like he constantly doesn’t listen to my side.
5 comments
It feels like you are in an emotionally abusive relationship for one major reason: you are.
Somewhere along the way he has steadily ground you down and eroded your boundaries to the point where you can no longer recognize that this is in fact a harmful relationship. You get wrapped up on the idea that your love for him is enough to fix him and that this is normal, but it isn’t.
You aren’t just unheard, you are ignored and then emotionally punished for speaking up. Ultimately his goal is to break you so that you simply obey.
Imagine your best friend came to you and she told you everything you posted here. She even told you things you didn’t post because you were either embarrassed or protecting him – then she asked you if she should stay. Would you encourage her to stay? Or would you plead with her to leave because she deserves better?
You deserve better.
Is this relationship making you happy? Because it sure doesn’t sound like it.
>There are times where I feel like I’m in an emotionally abusive relationship because of the responses I get from him.
This was also a feeling I got reading your post.
It sounds like he has pretty toxic communication and doesn’t like when you advocate for yourself. Being alone would be better than this. Hold out for a relationship with a healthier dynamic.
Ok, so you say that he always accuses you of something. When you voice your own concerns, how do you go about it? Is it also in an accusatory and conflicting way? If you say you both have your blame for your communication issues, you both have to work on that. But after the first paragraph, which ends with you both being in the wrong, the rest of the post is just blaming him. So it is either his problem you are trying to justify by accepting a part of the blame, or it is really a problem on both ends and this is it’s beautiful manifestation, where you show all his flaws and also yours by not addressing your responsibility in it.
It sounds like you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. It’s the scolding you for crying and calling you immature that is the giveaway. With the rest, you could try asking questions like, “How do you want me to bring up this issue so that you don’t feel scolded, but we can still fix the problem?” and if he weren’t abusive, you two could have a conversation about it. I’ve had various conversations like that with my partner and adjusted the ways I word various things. We’ve had to do a lot of that due to both inherent differences between us and being raised in different cultures. And that can be an important and productive conversation to have where you learn how to fix problems together better. But it sounds like he wants you to not bring up problems at all – which means he doesn’t want a relationship with you. And he insults you and treats you without respect, which is where the emotionally abusive feel is coming from. Contempt is toxic. Since he doesn’t respect you, you should not be with him.
Also, in a good relationship, neither person is trying to place fault. You’re trying to find a solution that works for both of you. Sure some of my behaviors caused a problem for my partner and some of his for me, but we didn’t say that made it his fault or my fault – it just meant we had to find an option that worked for both of us.
Communication is the key to a relationship, maybe he’s the innocent one or maybe you are, we don’t know since we don’t have any detailed examples. I can imagine that he actually shuts down and ignore because
A) he is scared and hates conflicts so he emotionally shuts down, and runs away.
B) he gets angry, comments and say yeah and what about you then ignores to not say anything to make the situation escalate even more
C) he just don’t care.
Now we don’t know what kind of situation you’re actually talking about or how the situation is. like maybe you.
A) bring up old arguments you once had which he thought you two already had discussed and gotten passed and you bring it up again which means digging old wounds.
B) very insecure and has anxiety and doesn’t like certain things he does which maybe may be not as bad as you think and he reacts strongly on this anxiety or insecurenes. And then brings up situations that you may do that he didn’t see as a bother at the moment since he know he may do stuff to. But since you reacted he use what you do as a defense mechanism.
C) you’re completely innocent and miss understood and doesn’t get to finish your saying because he shuts down before you even manage to finish the first sentence. Due he functions as the A and B on how I assumed he may react.
Whatever the reason is, the relationship won’t work unless you two communicate with each otters
And this may be because you
A) maybe brings up the topic at completely wrong moment without a warning.
B) he just got home from work or something and really is to tired for mental drama
C) he is in a really good mood and you ruined it with the topic.
But when is the right moment?
Well the day when the person is free two days a row and doesn’t need to go to work the day after, and give the person a warning about what you actually wanna talk about, however it’s important to ask yourself, is it worth and why would I need to talk about this now if this maybe happened 3 months ago? In some cases seeing a therapeut is better than the bf