Ive been hanging out with this guy for a few months now. We have casual sex and I’d say we are friends as well. We have enough in common that it’s fun to hangout, too. Neither of us are ready/interested in a serious relationship at the moment. Everything is great and I’m very happy with my relationship with him, however my friends are not happy with me. They believe that it’s 100% wrong for a guy that age to be attracted to me no matter what. I told them I appreciate the concern but that I’m capable of making my own decisions. I always proceed with a bit more caution talking to guys who are 25+ and I wouldn’t talk to anyone who is over 27. But I have made sure this guy is cool and safe. My friends have never met him and don’t know him at all. We argued about this and now I’m not allowed to talk about him at all since it makes everyone uncomfortable. Im fine to keep these things private, but it feels terrible that I can’t even talk to my friends about relationship things/guys etc. I’m always listening to them talk about the long term relationships they’re in and it feels unfair
7 comments
These are ages of very different phases in life — a very young individual and someone who already had a chance to establish some things like a degree, the start of a career, some financial stability et cetera. Often people who get attracted to much younger people have difficulties with landing a partner of their own age.
It’s a red flag if their maturity is close to yours, that means they are immature for their age. If they are not immature, the gap in psychological maturity is risky for the younger partner.
You are both adults, so there’s no legal barrier.
Generally, creepiness comes in if the relationship started when the younger person was a minor, or of the older person wants the younger to dress younger, or act immature, or what have you.
But if your relationship is generally good, then the main concern is if you have aligned goals for your lives. Do you have agreement about things?
A good example I fall back on with hetero couples is children. If one person wants to have kids and the other doesn’t, it doesn’t matter what happens, and they could be the exact same age…someone will be unhappy. If the younger person wants to have kids and assume their partner will, but the partner has already had kids and has no interest in raising new ones, that will cause problems.
You can have issues in other key areas, like finance, chores, housing, career, and so on.
1. Legal? Yes
2. Appropriate? No
Hey OP,
Not sure why your friends are hung up on the 7 year difference but age difference is up to the individual and not up to society, besides I’ve seen stronger relationships come from people with larger age gaps simply because they had perfectly suited personalities. The only time I could suggest its illegal or immoral is if there is a form of control from one partner being exerted on the other partner (i.e. a teacher dating a student or a psychiatrist dating their client).
The only words of Wisdom I can offer to you OP, is that there may be some differences as to current & personal expectations in life for both of you. While you have just begun your life’s journey, this man has already put 9 years in; meaning he might be looking to settle down sooner rather than later while you might be looking to secondary education or starting a career.
If you start a relationship with this man, be sure that you’re both on the same page as to the nature of the relationship and that if anyone has a change of heart / feelings down the road, that they should be vocal about it so the two of you can decide how to approach the situation like adults.
Good luck OP,
If this is just a hook up friend situation why is it so important to talk about him to your friends? Those relationships tend to be a bit shallow. I think you might be in a relationship that’s not serious but maybe you’re open to it becoming serious? If that’s the case, I would guard my heart knowing full well this guy doesn’t want anything serious.
My wife was 2 weeks shy of her 21st bday and I was 28 on our first date, 50 something and 40 something now. If the relationship is respectful and there’s no major power imbalance I don’t see an issue. Some people get really fired up about it but if you’re both happy and safe that sounds awesome to me.
Yes. Rule of thumb I go by:
16-19: same age, same grade
20: age +2 (preferably same age, same year if in college)
22-29: age +/-2
30: age +4
34-60: age +/-4
These ranges are just targets (ideals) so both partners reach temporal milestones at approximately the same time. Life goals change dramatically throughout the 20s and 30s. A 27yo with a mortgage and stable income has vastly different priorities and degree of maturity than a 20yo college kid who’s still on their parent’s meal ticket. Not saying that’s you but huge age gaps aren’t really desirable.
For some couples large age gaps aren’t a problem but I think for many they are. Especially as they get older. Bodies and minds start deteriorating. The younger partner could be left in a difficult circumstance.