Am I becoming addicted?

I NEED TO GET THIS OFF MY CHEST… Travelled 7 hours on the train last weekend to Surrey to meet a guy I’ve been speaking to for a month on Xbox. I am 20, he is 19. Was a spontaneous decision but I wanted to see if we had a real-life connection before pursuing a relationship. I was so nervous but we got along immediately and we had a strong mental and emotional connection. And then there’s the sex. Which is obviously why I’m posting here.

So, for context, I have only had sex with one other man who I was in a relationship with for 3 years and it was very dry and honestly at times without consent (he would force me sometimes) so it wasn’t a pleasant time for me at all. I thought I was destined to hate sex and I never even thought about it being something pleasurable. So that was a factor I was worried about with meeting this new man.

To put it bluntly, in the space of a day me and this new man in Surrey had sex 11 times. And it was something I have never experienced before. The first thing that made me fall for him was the fact that he kept asking if what he was doing was okay. At one point, I blinked at him and said “you keep asking me?” in a kind of dumb astoundment and he laughed and said “that’s normal, silly”.

He managed to establish the perfect middle ground between asserting dominance (I’m very submissive) and consent. Also, to compare, my ex was 5 inches and this man is 8.5. He laughed tauntingly at the moans I made and the eye contact was amazing. It was just so hardcore but also passionate? At one point, I nearly cried because of how good it felt. He even, when on top, breathed out that he loved me. We went down on each other a lot too. He spit in my mouth. I told him to do it again. He told me I’m the most perfect girl he has ever met and that I felt amazing.

And the foreplay. Oh my god. I was teasing him just like he did to me and he was frustrated and I said “what are you gonna do about it” and in one fluent, no-bullshit, no-hesitation motion he locked his hand tight around my throat, pushed me down, stared daggers into my soul and said “what am I going to do? Fucking wait” and I might as well have just thrown every ounce of feminism I had out the window at that point because I loved being spoken to like that. My ex didn’t know what foreplay was and he would just put it in dry, I bled every time.

This was such a different experience and I genuinely felt like I was having proper sex for the first time. He would sometimes refrain from putting it in the whole way and when I begged for it he would thrust it in so unexpectedly that he had to put his hand over my mouth as I would gasp so loudly. He told me to hold eye contact with him while we both finished and my legs would be shaking.

Now I’m home and I can’t get him out of my head- the way he spoke to me, the things he said, the stupid things we laughed at until we were crying and the late nights just staying up talking for hours. I can’t stop thinking about the sex too. I’m seeing him again this weekend. I wanna do it in public, I wanna use bdsm things, I wanna do it twice as much as last time. I will zone out daydreaming about it and I crave it constantly. I will only be satisfied when my body is completely and utterly devastated and I can’t walk. I LITERALLY want to fuck this man to the point I don’t know how to breathe, speak, eat, sleep- everything is sex and always will be sex and that is all that makes sense. And he has also recently told me HE WASN’T EVEN GOING THE FULL EXTENT WTF- because I was so tight and he didn’t want me to make too much noise and hurt me. He said he can go even harder and faster this weekend, but only if I think I can handle it. Try me bitch. Hope you all have a lovely weekend I will be getting demolished in Surrey have a good one lads