All my life I’ve had this mental battle, I don’t know what it is and it isn’t a “teenage” thing it’s just installed in me. I constantly feel like a bitch no matter what, I think about incidents in the past on a daily basis of where I haven’t stood up for myself. For example many years ago a boy and myself fell out, he would mock me in the halls and I would say nothing back we agreed on a fight but I didn’t really want to and he got kicked out so I was relieved.
I think about this atleast every week minimum, anytime I have a good day or feel like I have accomplished something I remember the times where I’ve backed down and I just can’t enjoy my day. I’m a fraud aswell, because of this I’ve built this persona where I don’t speak much, look deeply into people’s eyes and never stare away, I start fights over little things to prove myself and never ever open and express my true self, my peers think I’m some hard hothead but deep down I’m just a pussy, my heart skips a beat every time I think of that boy, every morning I walk into college I try stare out every other boy there as I feel like a bitch if I look away.
It’s been like this for years now, I hate it, I have tears in my eyes whilst typing this, I hate this shit I can’t even enjoy anything anymore as I just remember the times I’ve been made a bitch and I just hate myself for it, I wish deep down I could just be happy with who I am but truthfully I dislike myself heavily.
13 comments
Just let go bro.
stop asking
Sounds like you suffer from ADHD. I would talk to a doctor / therapist
Nah bro don’t group is up for this, this is strictly you
Sometime ago I heard that the guy that bullied me once in high school got shot to death.
Didn’t feel any good, I tell you. In high school, he was just being stupid, like we all can be sometimes.
That’s a trauma response. A good PTSD therapist can help.
Look up “cognitive distortions”
Stop using labels to classify your behaviours or do something to try and change them
One of the things u can do is develop a sense of value as a person. It’s hard but feeling worthless is the only thing that puts u any lower than everyone else
We all have strengths and weeknesses, you’re just hyper focusing on yours and u aren’t acutely aware of everyone else’s weaknesses.
That guy that got kicked out, u feel like u were a “bitch”, he probably bullies others because he feels he’s garbage so he feels important when intimidating others. Are u really going to let someone who’s just putting up a front as a coping mechanism make u feel shitty?
It’s not just men. Everyone builds up “barriers” due to life experiences. Some people have stronger barriers than others, based on bad events, trauma, or upbringing.
Look up “internal family systems” theory. It speaks about these barriers and how to be more of your true self. If you’re able to, find a therapist who is trained in internal family systems, and go see them. You are not alone in feeling this way, and believe it or not, there’s a way out. Message me if you want more details.
You’re allowed to be vulnerable, but it also seems you may have lower self esteem.
I have tried to become a version of myself I wish other people were like and it brings alot of peace because I like myself. Also build better relationships.
You don’t need to carry around shame, it’s not healthy. Learn what you can from an experience and move on.
You’re weak and frightened, that’s why you do that.
Because I don’t want to be weak.
You can’t control the past, but you can control the future. The best revenge is success.
On the staring thing, I see a lot of bigger guys do this to me. I usually chuckle as I walk by so they can hear it. No offense, but no one respects being that intense, same as the over-hard handshake. It’s big men that are little boys inside. Drop the act, it ain’t you. See a therapist, and move on with life, you’re trying to be something you aren’t, it’s time to find out what you are.
I mean, unless you intend on joining a biker gang or something. That’s about the only place this stuff is actually useful, in company of big men that are little boys and need a club to justify being so. Thats about all I see when I see the Hell’s Angels, a big boy’s play club.
See a therapist and tell them word for word what you just posted here. It sounds like you have deeply rooted issues that you’ve never dealt with. The only way to make it stop eating you alive from the inside out is to work through these things with a professional that has been trained to properly address them.