TW: body-shaming
This might be quite long-winded so I apologise in advance
I’ve been together with my GF Liz for four months now. Everything was fine, we didn’t really have any issues until recently. It seemed healthy to me and we communicated a lot.
Recently, we were talking about exes and Liz was surprised to hear I’ve only had one ex and it was from when I was 15. She was very curious about this relationship and wanted to know the details about it.
To preface, I understand I was absolutely horrible and I still regret being so stupid to this day. But when I was in secondary school, I became close friends with a girl named Jenna and eventually she asked me out when we were 15. We got into a relationship and for the most part it was a very cringey lovey dovey secondary school relationship.
However, I was also incredibly immature and honestly just really stupid. I didn’t treat her right and one of the worst things I did to her was consistently make jokes about her breast size, which she was insecure about (I didn’t know it was an insecurity at the time but it still wasn’t okay). Looking back makes me cringe because I had a mentality like I was an anime protagonist and said so much stupid shit.
Obviously she broke up with me like 5 months later and it was a real wake up call to how much of a shithead I was. I remember at first I felt bewildered, and when the weight of my actions finally sunk in, I felt horrible. I couldn’t have begun to imagine how Jenna felt the entire time we were together. I was too ashamed to speak to people, and at the time, I didn’t have a chance to apologise because she transferred to a different school and I was blocked. It was just embarrassing to even think for a moment it was harmless or that I was like that, and to this day the guilt still haunts me.
I eventually saw Jenna again at a mutual friend’s party three years later and I spoke to her and apologised for everything I did. She was very surprised but also appreciative of it and told me she forgave me and we basically caught up with our lives. We exchanged social media again and I like to think we are on good terms again and we’ve said hello if we’ve seen each other in public.
I know it seems like a pathetic pity party, but the whole thing is still on my mind to this day and I haven’t forgiven myself for it. And it’s really affected how I act around other people, I constantly feel guilt and anxiety for what I did. I constantly feel too ashamed to talk to women, and the only reason why I met Liz was because she was approached me after a friend introduced us, thinking I was shy. I also want to emphasise that I have no feelings towards Jenna, and it’s simply the fact I ever acted like that that haunts me. I didn’t blindside her during that party either, she knew I would be there, and it was actually Jenna herself who approached me. I have some friends who have consistently told me that I’ve been too hard on myself over the years and I’ve changed since I was 15, but I don’t think I can make that judgement on myself.
Anyway, after finding out what I did, Liz became silent and went home. I tried talking to her, but she just told me that she couldn’t believe I would do something so horrible and she can’t see me the same way. The mutual friend that introduced us told me she was thinking of breaking up with me. I was obviously upset and heartbroken, but to be honest, I don’t know what to think, I don’t particularly feel like this was irrational or unjustified, and maybe this was just karma and I deserved it.
I don’t know if I should just leave Liz alone or if there is anything else I should do. In general, is this something I should disclose to people if there was romantic interest in the future if it doesn’t work out?
Tl;dr: My current girlfriend broke up with me after finding out I body-shamed my ex 7 years ago and I don’t know what to do.
2 comments
What you did was shitty, but you were also a teenager. Teenagers are prone to shitty behavior. You don’t need to wear it as a hairshirt for the rest of your life. Even if your relationship with Liz doesn’t survive this revelation, that doesn’t mean you are doomed. If you can swing it, I think a good therapist will be able to help you get to a place where you can forgive yourself and move on.
Im sorry to hear that, in maturing, youre torturing yourself with the knowledge that (yes) once upon a time you did a bad thing but thats been righted by apologising(!)
Liz (in my opinion) is taking it as a personal offence as she probably has insecurities or bad experiences in the past that make her concious of her own body. (Or that of a friends/relative, etc) She’s probably seen a red flag because its a low tolerance area for her.
However, she is really taking it out of context (you were a literal child with a scientifically proven undeveloped brain that couldnt comprehend at the time what exactly the repruccsions were) and even if she broke things off- youre not unloveable or suddenly the worst person ever- you told her a part of you that youre not proud of and she may not be the right person to hear it.