My (F,28) fiancé (M,31) was recently offered a job that would be a major step forward in his career. It comes with a $25,000 pay raise, but there’s an 80% chance that we would have to temporarily move to Hawaii in January. We would be in Hawaii for between 10-12 months and we would be renting a house (we definitely couldn’t afford to buy a house there). If we do move to Hawaii, he is guaranteed a negotiable cost of living salary change at a minimum of 15% (which would put his salary at over 100k).
When I told this to my best friend/MOH (NB,28) their response was “The US Navy is actively leaking petroleum into the drinking water aquifers there, and native Hawaiians are begging people to stop moving/visiting. Ultimately of course the decision is up to you two, but those are my biggest thoughts on it”. That’s all they said. No excitement over the raise or what this would mean for my fiancé’s career or even admitting they didn’t want me to go because they would miss me.
I decided to encourage my fiancé to accept the job but I’m still frustrated that my best friend/MOH isn’t being more supportive. Should I talk to them about it? And what should I say?
Additional information:
– My best friend had really shitty birth parents and has since been adopted by my birth parents (to the degree that they currently live with our parents and are referred to as my sibling, even by our extended family).
– My fiancé and I are getting married on December 10 (just over a month away!) and we had planned on starting a family in the next year, but if we go to Hawaii we won’t be starting a family while we are there.
– Feel free to look at one of my previous posts for more context/drama involving my MOH/best friend.
TLDR: my best friend is trying to guilt me about moving to Hawaii for my fiancé’s work and I’m angry they can’t even pretend to be supportive
2 comments
Did they try to guilt you, or did they just state a fact that you feel guilty about? It sounds like they just told you about an angle you might now be aware of, but also didn’t condemn you or your fiancé if you do decide to go.
Like, if they’re raising this as an issue, it might be something that reflects their core values. Is your expectation in friendship that they’ll suppress those values to perform excitement? Or do you have the type of relationship where you can raise these thorny ethical issues with each other?
Plus, it’s not like they’re wrong. Hawaii does have a history of being colonized, and some native Hawaiians do express those sentiments. If that’s going to be your home, even temporarily, that might be something you want to think about and consider as you live there.
She is not factually incorrect about either things. Last I heard, the navy has agreed to shut down and clean up gas storage facility though. It has been leaking into the drinking water for many years.
There is a movement asking mainlanders to reconsider the way we think about Hawaii. And yes, many Indigenous Hawaiians have gone on record asking people not to move there.
I understand that you may’ve expected pure enthusiasm here, but I think genuine, long-term friends should be able to tell each other hard truths like this. It doesn’t mean you *can’t* move to Hawaii, but isn’t it better that you know before taking the leap?