My (27f) boyfriend (33m) of 2 years is a musician at local bars in a major city. I am very happy that he has gotten to the point where he’s at very popular bars, especially for younger people and college students. He always packs the house and gets the audience dancing around the stage.
For the first 4 or 5 months of us dating he didn’t see our relationship as lasting and he continued to meet and hang out with girls after his shows. I found out and decided to give him a second chance as he had promised he was invested and would change, and for the last year and a half he’s given me reasons to trust him, and to believe that he doesn’t engage in this behavior anymore.
However, my jealousy has not subsided. He has beautiful young college girls hanging all over him every night, dancing in front of him, complimenting him and asking him if they can buy him drinks. I’ve asked him not to accept drinks from girls after shows, if it’s to hang out with just her. He still accepts drinks from groups of people, and will let girls buy him drinks while he’s on stage (while he’s busy playing). Inevitably, girls come up to him in between sets and after his shows while he’s breaking down and talk to him every night.
Since in the beginning, he used Instagram to cross boundaries with girls he met at shows, I’ve asked him not to follow back any girls he meets anymore unless it’s for professional reasons. He has a sign up with his Instagram handle, so lots of new girls will follow him every night. I understand social media is important to his career.
I still find myself having near anxiety attacks every time I look, and find beautiful girls have followed him on Instagram. I get a pit in my stomach every time he mentions a girl coming up to him. He’ll often admit that the girls he meets are “beautiful,” “models,” and “smoke shows”. Many of the girls he meets I would consider more attractive and often younger than me.
Also, he is getting fed up with my rules. He wants to be able to follow everyone because “you have to give likes to get likes,” but it makes me uncomfortable so I’ve asked him not to for now.
I trust him not to actually cheat on me, but the thought of him meeting beautiful girls and talking to them every night makes me sick. It makes me feel like someday he’s going to realize he can do better, because how much temptation can someone take?
TLDR; boyfriend is a musician at bars and gets hit on by beautiful young girls every night. I don’t expect him to physically cheat, but I get severe anxiety that he’s going to realize he can do better and can’t overcome the constant temptation. What can I do to ease my jealousy?
Edit: adding that my solution to the social media problem was that I asked him to just post ONE picture of us together on Instagram (which he’s never done in in our 2+ years together) so followers would know he was in a relationship. He agreed to do so, but it’s been months and he hasn’t because he “doesn’t like any pictures of us that we’ve taken”
4 comments
i just want to say i feel for you HARD and i think anyone would feel the same way. wishing you comfort ❤️
He has crossed boundaries before, that’s why you are insecure.
My husband is a musician too, and although he isn’t fawned over in the way you’ve described in your situation, I can totally see how this would eat away at me too. My husband is a bit more introverted by nature, so the advances from women are received a little differently.
I’m not sure how I would feel if he were to use words like “beautiful”, “smoke show” etc, and this is probably where the insecurity and anxiety is coming from. Have an honest conversation with him and tell him you are uncomfortable with the way he talks about these women. As much as insecurity is something you need to work through, his assurance would definitely play a part in making you feel safe. Ultimately he has to recognise that he is contributing to this, and if he is willing to make some changes, that’s him honouring how you feel alongside what he needs as a popular musician.
My heart goes out to you and I hope you know that you are worthy and beautiful! Remember that 💛
I understand why you’re anxious, I do. But at the same time, you’re dating a performer, so you have to accept this is the lifestyle that comes with his career. The late nights in bars, chatting with fans, connecting with them on social, etc.
At 27 and after two years, you are about to enter long term relationships territory. Before going there, I would ask myself: what’s my 5 year plan (ie kids, marriage, etc) and can I picture myself committing and building that life with someone who leads this lifestyle. Because the reality is, if he keeps playing music, his lifestyle probably won’t change. And he probably won’t be the guy to give you that marriage and kids thing, at least not now.
Consequently, I’d be weary in investing more than two years into someone if it’s essentially a dead end.