[Very Long Post] I think I kinda figured out confidence, and it came from Strangers. I’m too excited to sleep

I feel like crawling out of a cave where I’ve been trapped for so long. Just have to get up at 5 am and share it with the world

**TL;DR:**

I was a bullied introverted loser with low self-esteem and social anxiety, and believed depression is something I will never escape.

I didn’t believe I can have any confidence because 1) I thought confidence was based on past success but I believed all my success was worthless 2) I didn’t have a support system that will support and love me unconditionally, which would give me that nature confidence. Not from parents, friends or other close relationships.

I found my support system from strangers who I met in an online speaking improvement group that celebrates small challenges. I found confidence and this is lifechanging for me, and this may work for you. Find your own tribe that you can fall back on. One thing that’s extremely important is stop complaining and whining and take action on what you can change.

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**The whole thing:**

I (32M) grew up as a quiet, introverted kid. I had a stutter which I was bullied for until high school. My parents divorced when I was 12 and I blamed myself for it. My mother even agreed with me on that in public. I was repeatedly told I’ll be **”useless like your father”** and all my awards and achievements were nothing compared with **“Emily’s son went to Stanford on full scholarship, works at Google and bought a big house at 24”.** **Probably because of all these, I was emotionally sensitive and socially awkward.**

In class projects and clubs, I was always the quiet one in the corner with no voice. Never had close friends. So many times I was on the brink of tears in class because I didn’t have a “buddy” or teammates till the last minute. I would also have difficulty breathing or just completely break down before or during presentations because of the stress, and spend time alone in the restroom during lunch break for days.

In college I learned that my grandmother and my father both had prolonged depression and suicide attempts. That’s when I believed this damn thing is also in my blood, my DNA, something like a curse that I could never get rid of. I decided never to have children, because who would pass the seeds of agony and never-ending internal suffering to another innocent child?!

When girls approached me, I thought they were trying to make fun of me. I did not believe that I had intrinsic value, that I was an interesting, valuable, lovable person. But at the same time, I so wanted to be cared for, accepted and loved. I just didn’t know how to be ok with myself and be happy.

**People said that I need to be more confident about myself. Before, I thought confidence came from past success. But my successes have never been recognized as successes, by myself or others (i.e. my mother). Even if I succeeded, so what? I’m destined to be a depressed loser. It’s in my blood!**

**Then I read somewhere in a book that says, confidence does not come from the sense of achievement. True confidence comes from the belief that no matter how big a mistake you’ve made, you are always loved and supported unconditionally. “Naturally confident” people got their confidence from their parents, friends or other close relationships.**

**Well, this new definition made so much sense!**

**But so what? I had none of those: loving parents, intimate relationships, or true friends. Parents, I don’t have control over them, that’s done and over. For the latter two, it’s kind of a chicken and egg problem. I was well in my 20s with 0 self-esteem, chronic depression and suicidal thoughts. How do I get true friends and intimate relationships with that? They won’t fall into my lap?**

**I didn’t have an answer.**

My confidence was fruther destroyed in job search. The interview feedback was always **”not a good fit”** although most of the time I was overqualified. It killed me when I learned someone without the skillset but who had the **”energy”** was hired instead. I even started faking that “energy” thing, but no attempt worked.

I finally landed a job after two years of soul-crushing job search. This turned me into a total sucker at work who dare not to say no to colleagues, or speak up or stand up for myself, and I was a complete doormat to my manager. I was still quiet and voiceless in the meetings and gatherings. Then came the ugly office politics. I was quickly isolated and helpless, exhausted every day, physically and mentally. It was like high school all over again.

Covid brought me two years of more isolation. In the beginning I kind of enjoyed it, then came the burnout and loneliness. So I started to blindly join some online social groups, some good some bad. I kept going to different ones.

I bumped into this online group on Meetup. It’s for people who want to improve confidence and public speaking. Each time, a small group of 10 or so would join an online meeting, everyone’s given a different question, and you are expected to speak for one minute without preparation. What’s special is the questions. These are some whacky, funny, off-the-wall questions that you’ve never expected to answer in real life. **”You cry diamonds. Tell us about your day”; “What is your favourite geometric shape and why?”; “You are trying to sell your haunted house to a developer. What is your pitch?”; “How could carousels be spiced up so they are more exciting?”** After some Um and Ahs, the most unexpected and hilarious answers came out, and after that, people can comment or give their own versions of answers.

I was hooked since the first meeting. It’s with all strangers from all over the globe and they are some of the nicest people I’ve met. I did practise speaking, but one minute at a time. If I screw up, that’s screw up just for one minute, in front of total strangers that have no effect on me in real life, no big deal. No one would isolate me because of it. And who would judge you because your screw up your speech on **”how do you use your superpower of transforming people into toddlers”**?

And all the people there are kind of like me, suck at being confident, speaking in public, holding a normal conversation, suck at being themselves, and want some comfortable fun social interaction during this mass isolation. There are no dominant schmoozers you see here and there in the workplace that you secretly hate but can do nothing about. The egality is in that 1 minute per person per round setup. Each person from time to time screws up their own speech, but that’s ok. Everyone exchanges their own bad jokes, laugh it off and move on.

I started to get good at it and couldn’t help going back time after time, 5 days a week. I feel relaxed and natural there, or put another way, **”comfortably exposed”**. Somehow we formed friendships, playing virtual board games like Mafia together every week, even sharing life stories and vulnerable moments.

I started to see changes in me because of this sort of repeated exposure, or conditioning. 4 months into this, now when I talk to strangers, I no longer have the baggage of wondering what they are thinking of me. It’s not always about me, no one’s got the time and attention all on me and I have nothing to lose. They are just people, who could potentially be friends, who might also screw up their one-minute speech on **”A completely wrong reason why your voice sounds better in the shower”**. There are moments when they are good and bad, just like in the speech events. If I want to be friends, I gotta accept their good and bad.

In company meetings, I started to feel more at ease and assured. I can’t believe I even dare to throw in jokes when appropriate. I noticed my voice is firmer, I talk slower, and my body is more expanded and not restrained like before. My colleagues were amazed at my change and asked if I was in love. “Yeah, kind of!”, I replied.

What’s more important is that now I believe I can change. It builds confidence in me not only in speaking in public, in interacting with strangers, **but also in that I can fight something that’s even in my blood.** As long as I want to fight the battle, I know I’m not alone. I sort of have this dilutional idea that I can do it and it will have a positive result.

One day I bumped into this paragraph about **confidence, about unconditional love and support**. It was like an epiphany to me. This is it. I think I’ve found my unconditional support, from strangers. No matter how I screw up I’m loved and supported. And being not as good as others is ok, failed at something is ok, getting negative feedback from someone is ok. It’s just normal, temporary, and not necessarily bad! Just like those one-minute meetings that goes day after day, week in week out, as long as I don’t end my own life like my grandma, I still have opportunities and time to improve and become better, and **a bunch of strangers will support me on that!**

So if you are struggling, in anyway, you feel weak, lonely, powerless, unconfident, find a group where people who fail in life in a similar way as you do and you all want to improve, you are all in this together. Not the groups where you complain and whine together all day. Not the ones people tout themselves and just show off. Try different things until you find the right group, **your tribe**, take a leap of faith. This worked for me. Hope this will also work for you.

**One more thing I’d like to talk about: Just take action**. It is important to have a community, great if you find a good one, but please don’t take it simply as a tree hole.

Introversion and social awkwardness make you feel powerless and hopeless? You need to vent and complain from time to time? If it’s something cathartic for you, it’s all good. But don’t just end there, because it doesn’t solve any problem. If you don’t take action on it no one will come and stand up for you, no one will solve the problem for you. This month next year you’ll still be complaining about the same thing but no problems solved, just like I did bitterly for years and years.

Blaming it on fate, on destiny, on heredity, on your parents, or anything you cannot change will only drag you lower and deeper. You gotta work on the things you can change, which is yourself. **Please, PLEASE believe this is something you can work on and change.** I want to kick myself in the ass for spending such a long time on whining and self-loathing.

You feel it’s hard and uncomfortable? Any personal growth or change is and will be unconfutable. It’s difficult for everyone. Trust me, those extroverts have their own shit to deal with. Everyone has their own battle to fight, no one is an exception. So please, take action!

Hope this thing can help someone. Have a nice day!

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**Edit:**

Thank you all for the kind words!

About the groups:

Some of you asked how to find these groups. For me it took a lot of trial and error. I tried several Toastmaster clubs but felt like they are a bit outdated and not my type. I was also part of some social groups on a platform called Meetup.

The one I strongly recommend is “The Mouthfuls”. I’m not affiliated with the group so I don’t want to put the link here. If you are interested in the group, go google it or comment and I’ll share privately.