I’m just venting at this point and if anyone wants to offer advice then please be my guest.
I’m 26 and my husband is 28. We come from a Pakistani background so our marriage more arranged then love but we still got to know each other well. We’ve been married for the past 5 years and this past year has been hell. I was never physically attracted to my husband when I first met him but his character is what really got me hooked. Now it’s just like that doesn’t matter to me. We have sex only once a week if I’m lucky, he’s gained weight and the attraction is even more gone on my side but I’m married and still want sex. It’s like nothing works for him. He just doesn’t care no matter what I dress in whether it’s something sexy and revealing. He’s just at work all the time and it makes me so mad. I’m a good looking woman and my husband should be blessed that I chose him in the first place but holy shit I feel like my mind is going insane. Idk what to do and I start to fantasize about other guys as well which doesn’t make me feel good but wth am I supposed to do? I’ve tried talking to him and he doesn’t seem to care. He just does things for the sake of it yet he expects a BJ still and I’ve just lost all interest in blowing him and being intimate with him. My situation sucks
8 comments
Do you have to stay married? If so, a deep self pleasure regime is probably in order. You could make it a meditative spiritual practice if you wanted to. Orgasms bring us closer to joy, love, and God.
Stay married but take care of yourself first
Some times you have to be selfish…living a lie makes me sad.. you should be madly in love with each other. If he can’t treat you how you deserve you should leave..I know culture might be a big thing but some times you have to put your happiness first
Understood how you are feeling when that person is not taking care of who you choose around the world than other guys, it’s time where you need to be strong mentally and physically and plan how to make his interest in you as you know him very well what can change him.
Aap bhut kuch karskte ho chahe toh socho aaram se kuch toh rasta niklega
If you fancy a freeuse dynamic with your husband, you should be explicit about it and discuss consent in your relationship.
Society shames men for their sexual desires and, with time, many retract or find other ways to cope.
Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel is a good book on desire in long term relationships.
Her TEDx on YouTube is also quite interesting.
Good luck 🍀
Ek baat puchu aapse
I will give you a two part suggestion, first write him a letter (on paper, don’t email or text) to initiate sex talk and when that sex talk is underway then agree on the solution I will suggest.
**The letter**
Below is a copy, adapt it to your situation
> “Good morning my love.
> I know you are starting another busy week so I don’t want a response to any of the following until sometime Saturday, both to take pressure off you and to allow you time to think.
> It is important to me that we revisit our sex life. It has been more than a full week since we last had sex. The week before I believe our encounter could have been none, maybe once. I want to remind us both that it wasn’t always that way.
> We’ve talked about the “why” of our lack of a sex life many times and I encourage you to continue to question that and convey your answers to me honestly, but I think it is also time to ask new questions.
> I want you to take the week to consider: Are you interested in having a sexual relationship (with me)? If no, well that’s a whole series of conversations we need to have. If yes, what would that look like to you ideally? What do you want/need from me to make that happen? What are you willing to do to make that happen?
> Please give this thought and talk to me on Saturday. I would prefer if you initiate the conversation this time, as it has fallen to me every time.
> I love you so much.”
**Once he initiate the talk…**
Trust me the solution is just to have sex with your partner. I know, when you’re not feeling it, the last thing you want to do is have sex. But here’s the thing: [Sex begets sex](https://366moves.wordpress.com/2022/09/30/affectionate/). The more you have, the more you want. Both men and women have testosterone in their bodies, and when you don’t have sex for a while, your testosterone levels drop. Since testosterone is a big contributor to sex drive, that means your libido drops too. Set a sex goal with your partner. Try making a commitment to have sex twice a week for a month and see how you feel. And no, he doesn’t have to have an erection always, certain days [let him go down on you](https://366moves.wordpress.com/2022/09/29/cunnilingus/), on other days [let him give you a relaxing vagina massage](https://366moves.wordpress.com/2022/09/29/vagina/)….if anything there is [quite a lot he could do with his hands mouth and body](https://366moves.wordpress.com/2022/09/30/female-pleasure/) which does not involve a penis but will surely leave you feeling like a sexual Goddess.
Before you say it – I know, I know. I felt a cringe myself when I first heard this suggestion. I thought to myself “You can’t schedule something so delicate as sex! What if I’m not in the mood? That’s for sure going to take all the passion out of it!” But it didn’t!
And here is why:
Imagine for a second you run into a good of friend of yours. You have a lovely chat over coffee and decided that you should meet again soon. But instead of scheduling your next meet up you decided to play it by ear leaving your next meeting to chance. Thankfully, you run into each other again in a few weeks, but this time you choose not to rely on luck and schedule your next coffee for next week. Both of you make a decision on a spot to make it a priority to see each other next Wednesday. Now ask yourself, is your next coffee date going to be any less exciting because it’s scheduled? Chances are you answered ‘No.’ That’s right. A planned activity is no less exciting than a non-scheduled one if you enjoy spending time with the person.
Think back to the time when you and your partner were starting to date (even if it was arranged I am assuming you somehow dated, right?). Didn’t you schedule your dates? Didn’t you anticipate to end up having sex on those dates? You did, didn’t you. By scheduling sex in our busy lives, we make sure we make it a priority, just like we prioritize a birthday party. Our sex lives deserve the same recognition and respect.
The recipe for regular sex is simple: get together with you partner, decide on how many times a week and what days of the week you want to prioritize your sex for, schedule it and stick with it, no ifs and buts.