Currently reading psycho-cybernetics (which I highly suggest btw it’s a lot like having actual therapy sessions). Currently in the part where there’s a questionnaire about early childhood memories (nicknames parents called you, what you were like etc.). Once I answered it, it made sense to me why I did not like to be seen singing or dancing by anyone (most specially my father). In fact, no one has probably seen me singing or dancing and perhaps they can’t imagine me doing so, and each time I hear that, I just agree to it – that I never dance or sing. I never questioned it, it’s just the way it is.
But going back to the questionnaire about my childhood, I remember I was a very shy and quiet kid back then. “Shy”, “quiet”, “scared” was the top three things my parents would use to describe me. Adding to this, I have never ever seen my father sing or dance. As a kid, maybe I’ve come to the conclusion that men in our family don’t do that. I can also remember instances when my father joked at one of my male sibling for singing. Since at that time, I was “shy” (which I believed) and there was a negative consequence for singing (getting made fun of), I did not do it.
So whenever there was anything involving singing/dancing or music in general, I stayed out of it or kept quiet while everybody’s *vibin’*. Which reinforced to my peers that I indeed don’t sing or dance or just straight out appreciate music. This was very early on in my childhood and continued until 20 years old.
Which really sucks cause I do want to sing and dance. I do want to express myself vocally and physically. But my self image was keeping me from doing it plus due to the fact that I did not sing or dance for the past 20 years, the first time I try it probably won’t be very good, in fact it will be terrible (which I can confirm was indeed terrible, and unfortunately it was in front of other people because I was forced to).
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Now that I am aware of it, here are some thoughts:
a.) Why am I keeping myself stuck to the 5 year old self image of myself when I’m already 20? I understand that at 5 years old, my parents’ view and expectations of me would greatly define who I am since I do not have much awareness and capability to decide the person I want to be so I am greatly influenced by my environment. But more than a decade has passed, I grew up and I’m no longer that person and at this point, I can choose to change my self image that I am indeed a person who can sing or dance if I want to. Because, obviously (but not obvious to me back then) no person should not be given the right to not sing or dance whenever he/she wants to, it’s his/her body and voice after all.
b.) I feel really bad for my father. I know he most probably experienced the same with his father. He probably wanted to sing as well when he was young but discouraged by his father or his peers. And now until 50, he still can’t break free from that curse.
c.) Because of that, I know that when I do sing in front of my father, I will get ridiculed because it will point out to him that I was able to break free from it and he was not.
So my plan for that big moment is, like the book said, – visualization (mental practice) and actual practice.
Lemme know your stories on how you were able to conquer shyness in this area!