How do you handle “getting over” the personality you projected on to someone you dated?

8 comments

1. I guess this depends on how much about them has changed. When you dedicate yourself to someone, you are also choosing to commit to how they may change over the years. Sometimes this can be for the worse if an already damaging habit has grown. Sometimes this can be for the better in terms of maturity. You have to access if who this new person is, is someone you are willing to continue to commit to.

2. This is so tricky. I’ve asked myself many times and all I can come up with is trying to be more realistic about the person. Look at their actions and compare them to what you wanted and hoped they’d be.

   What did you want this person to be that they lacked? Trying to see the good in everyone is a lovely trait in many situations but it can be brutal in relationships.

   “We don’t mourn the loss of a relationship or person, we mourn the potential we thought we saw and a future we fantasized about.” That bit really stuck with me and hopefully it will give you clarity too. <3

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4. I’ve dated a couple guys that did this. They were super sweet, caring, funny, etc when we started dating. But after a year or so they became totally different people. I guess I just had to learn to let go of my hopes for them and honestly seeing their insanity unfold in real time was enough to speed up the process.

5. I remind myself all things that this person told me about themselves. For example if they told me that they were insecure and I was telling myself that they “didn’t seem to be insecure” and even worse I tried to “convince them that they were not insecure” but experience showed that they were then I work on accepting that I made wrong judgment. In other way if they told me that they were not judgemental and I believed but then their actions showed that they were judgemental then I try to forgive myself that I was too trustful. Getting over something means to process the situation and clear it for yourself. This way you won’t feel confused and actually you will move on faster and it won’t leave so huge damage.

6. he simply showed me he wasn’t that person too many times. ¯_(ツ)_/¯

7. I just take it as an inevitable part of life. Someone said “When two people talk, there’s actually six of them – those who they both think they are, those who they think their partner is, and those who they really are”. You just can’t be objective. No one can.

   Another thing is changing. People constantly change. It would be even strange to expect someone to stay exactly the same person they were when you met.

   And our own perception changes, too.

8. I keep repeating to myself what they did and what their personality really is until it sticks. Like last time this happened I kept repeating “he’s a cheater, a liar, a spinless POS and things weren’t good, he just avoided ever telling me what he really felt”.

   Also to avoid these situations in the future I no longer tell the guy I’m dating what I’m looking for in a man and in a relationship, because so many times they’ve tried to be that when they’re not and eventually it all blows up in my face. It also makes it easier to not project your hopes and dreams on someone when those aren’t said out loud.