Title is pretty self explanatory. I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 6 months exclusively. Prior to that we had a bit of a fling that lasted just a summer.
We have a healthy sex life I’d say, usually banging at least 4 times a week, sometimes more than that. I’m satisfied sexually, but from time to time I still like to masturbate. If I’m sleeping alone a good orgasm can help me get to bed. And I personally see nothing wrong with masturbating in a relationship, so long as you refrain from porn addictions and turning down real sex from your partner to masturbate instead.
So the first time I noticed this was an issue was a couple months back. We had sex and I got him off. He wanted to take care of me afterward by going down on me, which I appreciate! I was taking forever to cum, and starting to get in my head about it. I’ve also read on this sub about ‘post nut clarity’, or many people’s sex drive plummeting after they cum. Because I was taking so long, I was as getting worried he wasn’t still into it. I told him he could stop and that I could use my vibrator. He suddenly got really mad at me and because I wanted to finish before dealing with this conversation, I said I was going to the other room to finish myself. He interrupts me within minutes berating me for leaving the room to masturbate. Just screaming at me while I’m laying on the couch. But there was no way I could do it beside him with the tension that had formed. When I was done I climbed in bed and we just went to sleep without discussing anymore.
A few days ago we had a pretty sex filled day. During our last sex session that day, he wasn’t able to get hard enough so we could have sex. I got him off with a bj, he finished me off as well. But I ended up staying home that night due to working early the next morning. When I got home, I masturbated before bed to get to sleep.
Fast forward to last night. He came over while I was making my bed after doing laundry. He spotted the vibrator left on my nightstand and immediately started yelling and berating me. He said that if I masturbate that means I’m thinking about other people (if I watch porn), which I completely disagree with. I’m not fantasizing about others or wishing I was banging the pornstars I watch. Nor do I use porn every time I masturbate. I have never once declined sex due to masturbation. He kept saying he doesn’t trust me.
I’m kind of mind blown about this. Is there anyway I can explain to him that some masturbation is healthy? I worry it’s a lost cause and I’m just hurting him by doing something so regular, but I also don’t think I should change my masturbation habits for him as I only do it a couple times a month, if that, anymore.
TDLR: BF gets offended by me for masturbating, and sometimes berates me as a result. Is him getting upset over this normal? Are there ways to explain that some masturbation is healthy?
39 comments
Yelling at you for masturbating? That’s an immediate red flag. The first time alone should have set off alarms for you. There is nothing wrong with masturbation. He needs to get over his ego and pride and accept that people masturbate. It has nothing to do with him or his “skill”. You need to have a serious discussion with him and communicate your feelings.
Well…odds are he is wanking off as well.
It is 100% normal for people in a relationship to masturbate and this is his insecurities coming through. Yelling and berating is totally unacceptable. If he can’t trust you, then the relationship is already over.
Sounds like pretty controlling behavior and will more than likely extend into other areas of your relationship as time goes on.
I’m guessing his pride is getting in the way here. He probably thinks he is not satisfying you enough, and that is why you masturbate. I don’t get men who react that way. I absolutely love watching my wife get off with a toy!
This isn’t normal behavior by him. Yelling at you is absolutely not okay. If you’re hurting him by a completely normal sexual activity, then he’s choosing to be hurt with his toxic views.
Of course you don’t need to change your masturbation habits. The only time that would be the case would be if you were routinely choosing masturbation instead of sex.
There needs to be a serious talk outside of the bedroom about masturbation and it’s role in a normal, healthy sex life. If he cannot respect you, it’s time to go.
So.. I totally understand both sides of this.. I used to feel upset about my gf masturbating. he feels that your not happy with him as a sexual partner. That he’s not doing a good enough job in satisfying you. Hes feeling inferior to your vibrator. I would include him in your masturbation a couple times or maybe allow him to take over after you get close. He’ll probably start finding it hot. Stopping a session of him trying to get you off, probably hurt his ego(not saying that’s right just explaining his thought process). Now he feels that that’s why you masturbate.
You could even pick out a new toy together that always hot.
Anyways hope this helps.
I’m sorry to break it to you… But your boyfriend is a useless, insecure fuckboi.
wow. i mean i would love for my SO to masturbate more. you do you!
This is a problem that he (and his ego) need to get over. I would be willing to bet that he takes care of things by himself as well, and has no problem with it. As long as you are fulfilling his needs, and not avoiding it because of your sessions, there should be no reason to complain.
I’ll be honest, I’d be upset if my partner stopped me mid performing oral to tell me she was going to go use her vibrator alone in the other room and then basically refused to talk to me about it. That is pretty much the definition of choosing masturbation over sex with your partner.
I suspect if you address that problem the rest will go away. That being said if he needs to get over you masturbating on your own time. That’s perfectly healthy.
He’s being controlling and toxic. I think you should dump him.
I think you were wrong in that first scenario. You stopped him while he was performing oral sex on you, refused to have a conversation about it and went in the other room to masturbate??? Seriously? Most people would be upset about that.
Now, I don’t do the whole yelling thing. I don’t think there is ever an excuse to speak to a partner unkindly, so he’s dead wrong there.
I also think that him not wanting you to masturbate overall is an overreach and inappropriate. It’s controlling behavior and I agree with the general consensus in the many posts about this topic here.
Drop that controlling POS… trust me it will only get worse!
Tbh if my wife and I were in the middle of sex and she grabbed a toy and left the room to finish herself I would be pretty irate aswell. You basically cuckolded him, it would be the same thing if a guy went and finished with a sex doll. Either party would feel rejected. As for the 2nd time, that’s pretty out of line but maybe he still feels insecure about the first time you cucked him.
Bin this douche.
I’m just gonna say that being judged and berated over what I do with my *own* body is the BIGGEST red flag to me and means an immediate break. Immediate.
The fact that my body is mine and your body is yours has to still exist, even in relationships.
The way I see it- my body has had the ability to cum limitless times, wayyyy before you got here in this relationship with me. Now, we might be in a relationship and be having sex mostly with each other. Sometimes situations are easy, sometimes they’re hard. But, as long as I’m still having sex with you, then you should be satisfied you’re the one I want. You don’t get control or have a say with what I want or need from my own body at 2am when I’ve got a migraine and I can’t shut my brain off for 4 hours worth of sleep before I have to be awake at 6am. It’s *MY* body. I know I’m stressed out and the only way to push my brain past exhaustion and into sleepytime is an orgasm. So, I’ll do it myself and I don’t have to think of you or another human face, all I need is 2 minutes of feeling relaxed within my *own* body.
Having sex with my partner would *defeat* the purpose because I need a fast orgasm to relax and sleep since my brain won’t shut up. If you’re involved well then I have to think about your needs and be gracious an polite and care about what you need. I have to remember you don’t like fucking unless I’ve shaved my legs, or I have to make sounds, or make sure I’m fresh and cleaned up and ready for penetration because now I have to think about someone else, or what if I forgot to brush my teeth before bed…..you see what I mean? Boot my brain back on when I was trying to shut it off and now 2 minutes until peaceful sleep really would be a stressful 15 minutes- and none of us wants sex to be stressful. It’s my pleasure I wanted really fast. I’m not trying to exclude you, I’m just trying to only include *myself* at this second.
That’s only one example of bodily autonomy. And we deserve all the personal autonomy we want for any of the reasons we want.
If he can’t understand that, then all I can say is he might physically be 38, but his emotional intelligence age is 5 (*still on the playground crying when he has to share*)
At 38 I would think your bf is a little old for that type of silly shit.
Yelling at you for masterbating is a big red flag.
My wife and I have been together 44 years(married 40). She claims she’s only masterbated once and it didn’t do anything for her. She doesn’t like vibrators. It just seems strange to me and I wish she wanted to Masterbate on occasion.
This is such a red flag!!! Truly he is very insecure and that’s evident by his reactions. This is no reason to get so heated and making you feel this way. I’m so sorry! Not to be dramatic but he doesn’t deserve you. You’re giving him sex filled days and he’s still butt hurt over seeing a vibrator?!?! Boy byeeee…
He’s 38. If you have to explain to him that masturbating is part of life and not something to be insecure about maybe you shouldn’t be with him? I mean seriously what are you doing?
He is not in charge of your body and does not get to dictate how you interact with it. It’s not okay for someone to claim ownership over another person’s pleasure.
Wow, very insecure, immature bf you have here. By chance have you articulated this to him as detailed as you did here? Maybe this just needs a really good talk session. Ps, you’re doing nothing wrong, but of course I think you know that.
Wow, so your ‘bf’ gets mad at you for doing something with your own body? Wtf?
Anyone who tries to control what you do (aside from helping with a drug or alcohol addiction) is a fucking asshole. Move on.
This is not a healthy sexual relationship.
Men born since the world wide web was established are typically more accepting of women’s freedoms.
Food for thought.
No man can beat a vibrator
Bail. Immediately. 6 months is nothing and nobody should be taking your bodily autonomy from you. This is literally the only red flag I need to see, and you don’t need to see the rest.
So, based on your post, this is a pretty big red flag.
I have said it 1,000s of times. Behavior in the bedroom typically spills over into other aspects of life. On the surface this seems extremely controlling and immature.
All that said, let’s figure out why he is acting that way.
I can make a pretty educated guess that he thinks you are masturbating because he is not fulfilling your needs. I think your first example in your post outlines this exactly. Then, finding your vibrator just rehashed his original feelings.
Again, not defending him at all, but you have to understand the cause of an issue in order to deal with the issue.
His comment about masturbation and porn and thinking of other people, again educated guess here, is actually him projecting what he is doing onto you. I bet money that that is what he does and so he is assuming that is what you do. It is very pot calling the kettle black.
At this point, it is up to you to decide if he is worth talking about all this and seeing if you can fix this issue. Or, if this is one too many red flags and be done.
Personally at 38yo, this is very immature behavior.
Good people can do REALLY dumb things when they get their feelings hurt (whether those hurt feelings are valid or not for better or worse are always valid to that person). That is part of working through things.
I understand going to bed and not dealing with the current argument at hand. But, I can 100% honestly say, my wife and I have resolved every single argument we have ever had. It is the one thing I can say contributes to our solid relationship. That requires a person to be able to admit when they are wrong. And, to understand and respect someone else, even when they might disagree.
I can relate with his perspective, if my gf stopped sex with me to masturbate it would be really hard not to be offended, especially if it wasn’t communicated that you were doing it for him. Why didn’t u tell him to use the vibrator on you if that’s what it takes? My girlfriend watches porn when she masturbates and I have to admit if I feel like she needs external sexual stimuli to orgasm its a pretty bad feeling.
do what you want he has no say over what you do with your body unless you are physically injuring him
The age got alone is a huge red flag. He’s dating someone a decade younger than him for a reason. He wants someone to control.
http://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
My wife does the same thing for the same reason. She uses her vibrator pretty much every night to get off because she says it relaxes her and helps her sleep. She also tends to get horny again after we have sex if she has a good orgasm. If I’m not up for a second round she just uses her vibrator. I give her shit for it sometimes and ask if she was faking but I don’t mind at all. I love and feel fortunate that she is so orgasmic
Your BC is wrong and really aggressive about it. Masturbation is normal. But also, the 1st time wasn’t masturbation- it was partnered sex. You’re allowed to use toys together.
It’s also really screwed up he wanted you to wait until her finished yelling at you for you to orgasm when he had one. That’s a huge NO in my book. I have just as much right to get off as him and I didn’t take offense when a guy would sometimes grabbed his own dick during a bj. It didn’t happen a lot, but sometimes you’ve been edge for soooo long that you need a fast and realizable way to just Get There.
He is within his rights to have a porn boundary. You are within your rights to leave.
I would say that him dictating *how* you orgasm is an issue. He must feel really insecure about not pleasuring you. But he shouldn’t be yelling or trying to police your masturbatory habits (outside of porn, see above). That’s controlling and weird.
If you each can masterbate ..it’s hot when you do it together …see if he will eat your ass while you masterbate …take turns ..eat each other’s cum ..pee games are fun too …experiment ..do down below shower games too .
Break up with him, he’s abusing you. Masturbation is totally normal and healthy.
Even if you are declining sex to masturbate.
Even if you have a “porn addiction.”
It’s your body. You can do whatever the fuck you want with it and his opinion can go suck a dick.
If he can’t handle you masturbating, then he should just leave. But to be honest this whole thing will make him incompatible with basically the entire human race.
Yelling at you over this is completely unacceptable and disgusting behavior, he doesn’t deserve your time, not even in the Goddam slightest.
At only 6 months in, that’s unacceptable to me. I’d walk. No one is going to yell at me for what I choose to privately do with my own body.
Help him get over his insecurities