I [20m] have a coworker [20f] that I want to ask out to coffee to get to know better or just become her friend. I have no intention to become romantically involved with her; that is not a great idea for a coworker. We are friendly during our shifts and chat and laugh and whatnot the entire time. I think she’s at least enjoys my company.
Anyways, I want to ask her, but I have no idea how to do so without her thinking its a date. I invited her to a mutual friends birthday party to accompany me and she accepted but allegedly felt under the weather the day of the party. Whether she was actually sick, was fearful of parties, or didn’t want to go with me, I am unsure. Regardless, I’d like to get to know her and want to phrase things in a way (preferably over text) such that she doesn’t think I want to fuck her.
Tl;dr: I want to become better friends with my coworker
37 comments
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It may be easier if you attend group events/outings rather than just the two of you together. Reason being, if she feels awkward around you then at least theres a group around that she can lean on. But if it just the two of you then it makes a little harder. Perhaps organize a group event with more than one coworker.
This is really sweet. Just ask her if she’d like to try x coffee place, but definitely clarify you’d like to go as friends for clear communication. Try not to think too much about it, because it isn’t too much! Just coffee with a friend (:
I’ve been friends with a male coworker once. We started by just talking to each other at work, then having lunch together at work, then go shopping together during our lunch break and eventualy seeing each other as friends outside of work. Therefore I would suggest you ask her to go get a coffee during a break at work first. If you want to do it by text I would say “Hey I’m taking a break at 10AM to go grab a coffee, wanna come?”
Inviting her to a party and then inviting her for coffee implies you want more than a friendship.
My advice is a little bit offbeat, but bear with me.
Coffee is a common (romantic) date outing, hence “coffee date” being an incredibly common part of the lexicon. Invite your coworker out to share a snack or an activity that is not at all associated with romantic dates.
I am a seasoned IT professional, and was mentoring a younger male colleague on professional norms. I once confided to him that I was not looking forward to putting on my “extrovert face” at an upcoming luncheon, and he jokingly offered “would you like to go eat some chicken nuggets with me instead?” I of course had to go to the luncheon as planned, but appreciated his extending a friendly offer. And because of the absurdity of the proposal, I felt assured that it was not an attempt at a romantic invitation.
I would just ask ” Hey name, I was wondering if you would want to join me for coffee this week. I would really enjoy getting to know you as a work friend/friend instead of just a coworker. ” or I also like, hey name, I’m going to get coffee after work, would you like to join?”
Personally, I always go for open/direct approaches because I like clarity. “Girl, we should hang out when we are not at work, You’re so funny! would you want to meet for coffee?”
Edit to add. I wouldn’t say hey, friend, unless that’s how you greet her. If someone kept referring to me as friend out of nowhere when asking me to join for a coffee, I’d think they thought I was interested in them romantically and they were trying to let me down easy. Which would be awkward because I would then be self conscious about giving them the wrong signals.
I think that sending a long text explaining you only want to go as friends CAN work, but I think if she’s an anxious person (possibly could be the reason she missed the party), I would try to be relaxed and low pressure.
Idk your situation, but you could mention things like “oh I’m going on a tinder date next weekend I hope it goes well!” And just be open about your own personal dating life, showing that you’re not going for her for more than a friend
One of my BEST guy friends at work, we bonded most when he let me look at his tinder and help him pick photos of him for it! I thought he was into me at first, but after that it sort of set the tone and made things easy without misunderstanding first. Now he has a great gf and we are still buds and never had to go through any weird convos!
Ask if she wants to grab coffee platonically. Or ask if she wants to go on a platonic coffee date.
What if she doesn’t want to be friends? It’ll be really hard for her to gracefully decline an invitation to coffee any old time.
The party invite was a good idea. Throw a party yourself and invite her again. If she comes, you’re officially friends outside of work. Yay! Good luck!
I think you either pursue her properly or don’t. as yoda say do or do not there is no try.
If you just want to be coworker friends you can just talk during work hour and be coworkers.
If you want to get to know her better then end goal is usualy companionship short or longterm.
if you aim to just be her BFF then whats is the endgame? when she gets a boyfriend what do you do hang out with her like her BFF 3rd wheel? would her BF allow it?
so if you are fair dinkum about being friends then dont bother getting to know her better artificialy. what she lets you know at work is what she is comfortable with you knowing. Become friends on work grounds let her be comfortable talking to you in a work setting witn not intimate moments to force her anxiety. talk about work maybe throw in some funny story that happened to you but do it in a public setting dont try to drag her in 1v1 situation to get to know her and then lead to now where. thats a recipe for hardship on both of you.
also you said not a good idea to get involved with a coworker. some of my best friends married their coworkers. the heart wants what it wants. dont let that stop you.
As some others have suggested, why don’t you change to inviting her someplace that isn’t as commonly associated with dating.
For example, I love ice cream. At one point I declared that I was going to go on an ice cream adventure after work and I invited my friend to join me. They didn’t come the first time, but I went by myself and told them about it. The fact that I was willing to go with or without them may have eased some of the social pressure. The next time I declared an ice cream adventure they ended up joining me.
I have also been invited as part of a group to get drinks or sushi and that felt genuinely friendly. There is a difference between being invited somewhere as a group and being invited to go to a group function **with** someone. Going **with** someone feels like a date
I do have one question, you say you don’t want to become romantically involved because it’s not a good idea for co workers. Is this the only reason why? If you weren’t colleagues would you still have no romantic interest? And if she started dating other guys that’s cool?
If so, just ask her and emphasise it’s just as friends, maybe in a joking way of “don’t worry, I’m only asking as a friend!”. Then It’s then entirely up to her.
Why are you so sure this could not turn romantic?
I think this is really sweet. Honestly, I would recommend just being straight forward about it. Something along these lines: “Hey, I think you’re really cool and would like to be friends. I just wanted to specify that so you know and cause I don’t want to put you in a position you’re not comfortable with. Wanna grab coffee sometime?”
Good luck!!
You probably don’t have to think too much about it. I had a friend who invited me to this ramen place that he wanted me to try out and I enjoyed it without feeling weird towards him. Maybe suggest a place or something where she hasn’t been to or tried out yet and invite her out so she could experience it too. If she’s already enjoying your company at work, then she’ll probably be cool with it.
No matter any which way you ask her for coffee she will assume its a date. Even if you come right out and say its not. Let’s stop beating around the bush here.
Sometimes inviting people to non-date like things comes off a lot easier as a “just friends” kind of thing.
If you guys have already established that you both like something that’s a great way to be like “hey I just found a new one of X, wanna come check it out with me? None of my OTHER friends want to go” (establishes that she is already just a friend) Or inviting them to a group event is also a good way. “hey me and my friends are doing a game night, wanna come?”
Just be casual. She’ll probably get it ☺️ I personally would laugh if someone just told me straight up they wanted to be friends and not go on a date but I know some people might struggle with that haha.
Good luck!
Eh I had a coworker just invite me out to grab a drink after work and we have been friends since. I think it really depends on the people involved as what would be taken what way. Unfortunately can’t tell that from the post. What kind of conversations do you normally have together at work? Do you ever talk about personal topics? Maybe start smaller with just coffee at work and just banter about your weekends.
Even as friends with a Coworker with any “Hang Outs” and “Date Like” things with Them——If anything goes sour you still have to work with them and it could become tense. But it is a chance you take. And one can get attached whether they like it or not. She may have thought of this too and Got “ILL” over it. Rethink it.
If you dont want her to think you want to fuck her, then dont act like youre trying to fuck her. Asking your colleague if they wanna grab a coffee with you is not a “I wanna fuck you” date.
Just ask her and dont talk about anything related to relationships or dating when youre out. And remember the boundaries.
But honestly, it kinda sounds like you wanna fuck her. So idk, do you man lol. I highly discourage fucking your coworkers.
Edit: If you really wanna make it clear that it’s not a date, don’t pay for her coffee. Ask “do you wanna grab a coffee with me?”
Stop asking for one on one time with someone you don’t know? Ask someone else to join and make it a group thing. Most women don’t feel comfortable being asked to be someones plus one to a party they don’t know.
I think you seem super sweet for putting this much thought into this whole scenario, and not wanting to give the wrong impression.
Don’t go too extra. If you’re going to grab sushi or coffee or whatever after work or on the weekend or something, mention it and say she can join you if she’s hungry.
I may be one of those dense nerds but in most of my workplaces I wouldn’t have thought twice if a female coworker asked if I wanted to come along for a Starbucks run, or vice versa. Once you’re there you could ask if you want to drink there and talk longer. Just a thought
Becoming better friends is all about communication.
Info: have you ever had an interesting conversation with her?
Are you both involved? If so forget it those coffee breaks never end well ,no romantic intentions? Your playing with fire get to work before I slap you
Try “hey you want to go grab a platonic coffee?”.
All these comments suggestions seem like they would still be assumed to have romantic interest. I just don’t think you can do it without acknowledging that straightforwardly or risking that misinterpretation.
I once had a coworker come up to me and explicitly say, “Hey, I know you’re dating so-and-so, and I don’t want to date you. But I do want to get to know you and be friends. Would you like to go do such-and-such?” I was wary at first but took him at his word, and I’m glad I did. He made our relationship parameters very clear right from the start, and so we were able to be relaxed with each other. We had some good, deep conversations until he moved away. I miss him.
This is more of a question to the people in the comments I suppose, but is it socially unacceptable to say: “Do you want to get a cup of coffee sometime? I don’t mean that in a romantic sense, I’m not looking for a relationship.”
Would that be considered weird?
I think you need to say you want a friend, not a date. Then ask to hang. Women are going to have their guards up otherwise. The sick on the day of the party says she’s worried you are after more that friends to me.
Just do it, your thinking way too much about this.
I don’t think it’s possible to continue asking a woman to do one-on-one things without seeming like you have romantic intentions or you are a creep. Even the birthday party could have sent mixed signals. If you just want to be friends, you can hang out at work on breaks, and you can get together as part of a GROUP outside of work.
If you already knew her then sure it would be fine to hang out one on one. But if you’re just getting to know her, it’s either “date” or “group hang out”
I want to do it with romantic implications.
Sharing info about a crush you have ? Then she will know you’re not into her
Start talking about their relationships or telling her someone looks cute with her. Make sure she’s in the friendzone. Then, tell her you’re gay. Then ask her if she want to go to the mall or something because you’re free that day
Let’s go eat Kebab together!