My thread from yesterday blew up which I wasn’t expecting. So I figured I’d post an update.
A little background: The man I’ve been seeing for 5 weeks is a police officer for a very well off city and 17 years older than me. He came over for dinner last night, I broke down and told him about my want to continue to fulfill fetishes for supplemental income (I work full time in social work and the pay is humble). When I told him that I needed to make ends meet and fulfilling fetishes was the most lucrative, he became upset. He said that if we are dating, I’m HIS woman and no one else’s. He then said that he takes care of his woman and I’m no different, no matter how stubborn and independent I am. He knows my rough upbringing and my need to “survive” on my own. He told me to let my guard down and let him take care of me. I told him that if he’s willing to help, I’d much rather have him than be involved in fulfilling fetishes. He told me that, while I’ve never depended on a man, he wants to help and he calls it love and not being dependent. For me, I have a hard time depending on anyone but myself. So this I’d a huge step for me. But I’m willing to try it.
Thank you to everyone who convinced me to just come out with it. I was going to tell him eventually but a lot of you helped me see that doing it sooner than later would be the best course of action.
9 comments
Unpopular opinion:
I would rather have someone taking care of me instead of becoming a sex worker.
That guys seems awesome
That possessiveness, yikes. That’s not love, you’re not his property. I’m not saying he can’t help you, but it should be at an equal partner level, not out of a sense you belonged to him. Those aren’t the foundations of a healthy relationship IMO.
Edit: Am I taking crazy pills here? Why everyone seems on board with OP becoming financially dependent of a guy who’s probably roughly twice her age, is only dating for a little over a month, and called her **HIS** woman? I’m not saying that forcing herself with that sex work gig is great either, but the potential for personal catastrophe with the latter seems still be much lower than with the former!
> he calls it love and not being dependent
Wise words. I am glad you two settled it and communicated your feelings. Wishing all the best for you two!
You’ve been together a month. I personally couldn’t relinquish control to a partner like this even after a longer period (I mean, I’ve been with my husband for closing in on two decades and we each still have separate bank accounts) so the idea of being dependent on a boyfriend of a few weeks would be a hard pass for me.
I do believe he had the right to the disclosure, though. I would absolutely want to know what the person I was seeing does to earn a living, and to decide the future of the relationship based on the answer. For example, I’d never date a police officer.
He sounds a bit possessive, but I can’t disagree too much because my formerly independent, self-reliant wife has been a stay at home mom for more than a couple decades now. I know it can work, but it takes effort from both of you. That being said, since he’s still “just” a boyfriend, you need have another discussion about finances. Make a budget. Show him what you’re bringing in and what you spend. Show him where the “extra” work has been filling the gaps.
You also need to decide how you’re going to respond to a request to move in with him or he with you and your son. As a guy, one of my first thoughts would be “hey, easy way to cut her expenses is make it so she doesn’t have to pay for housing…”. I’m guessing from your post yesterday that you own the place you’re in now. If that’s the case, it complicates moving in, but can also make creating a safety net easier.
If he asks you to move in with him: Assuming he has the space and you want to, KEEP the house you currently have and rent it out. Use the income to pay the mortgage and cover repairs. This also gives you a place to move back to if the relationship ends up failing although you’d have to wait for the tenants to move out.
If he asks to move in with you: This one is a bit trickier. You’d need to be clear that he’s not earning any ownership in the house. You frame the money he gives you as contributing to the utilities and food, not rent/mortgage. Given that he’s a police officer, things could get tricky if you need to kick him out though.
If you’re only renting, I would expect the pressure to move in together to be high. Either way, decide now how you want to respond and, if the answer is no, what it would take to make the answer yes. He likely won’t accept a flat no without reasons and a timeline for a yes answer.
Red flags everywhere……you just started dating him 5 weeks ago and you got divorced 2 weeks ago. Your ex moved out and you can’t make ends meet. New BF is acting crazy possessive over someone he’s known for 5 weeks.
This isn’t even about sex work. Sell the house, figure out your finances cuz No one should be trusting someone to “take care of them” after 5 weeks. I’d keep doing the sex work so you don’t depend on someone. Seriously so many red flags! You’ll be sucked into another bad relationship if you let him “take care of you”.
How can this not be a troll. Dating for 5 weeks, 17 year age gap, police officer that hit and spit on her during sex before asking for consent because “that’s his fetish”. Now he wants to support her so she doesn’t have to do sex work as if she isn’t about to enter a super controlling probably abusive relationship…
I was attacked yesterday for wanting to do sex work and lying to my boyfriend and today I’m being attacked for being honest and accepting help from him. These two posts were the first and last posts I’ll be making on Reddit. I wanted honesty and instead I’m attacked no matter what I do.
My child comes first. I had a shit childhood and I refuse to let my son see me struggle, cry, or be so dead tired from working myself to the bone that I cannot function. A mother’s sacrifice is the biggest of all sacrifices. To everyone who was genuine, thank you. We need more of that.