What would you do if you had something you generally don’t talk about to others but would be essential for your partner to know? It doesn’t define you, but it will affect the relationship one way or another. *Things like infertility, lifelong STD, life threatening disease, victim of SA, panic attacks, etc.*
When do you let someone in? How do you keep it fair to the other person? And how do you keep your secret safe (if you’ve chosen to keep it a secret)?
23 comments
Once it’s clear they’re interested in a fourth date.
I’m kind of a “This is me, deal with it”- type of person, so I let them know pretty early. I just don’t want to waste my time ( or theirs ), so I tell things like this pretty early on. Sometimes on the first date, sometimes a little later than that.
Not too long after it is mentioned they want a long term relationship.
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I think it depends on what the bomb shell is, honestly. I don’t think you necessarily need to talk about it before going out on the first (or even 3rd) date, and what it is and how it impacts you/your partner(s) should drive your decision.
I am dating someone with a disease that impacts their, and therefore a partner’s, life. They chose to share it toward the end of our first date, because it can be hugely impacting but there was also mutual interest established. If there is no connection, there is no need for sharing such personal information at all.
I don’t think there is a hard and fast rule, but I think you would want to divulge ahead of a time where it might come up and be difficult to discuss in the moment. For example, you would want to discuss an STI before sexual contact is starting to happen. Sharing SA information might require more time and trust to share. I have had shorter (2-6 month) relationships where I have not felt the desire or need to disclose that information, for example.
You don’t owe strangers any part of your life story, but someone who is a partner (or potentially could be), might warrant sharing as you go along in the dating process.
It’s something I mentioned and talked about way before I developed feelings for him and we got together. We both were pretty open about our mental health, our struggles with anxiety disorder and/or depression and the issues we’ve encountered in the past (abuse, neglect etc) months before the idea of a relationship even crossed my mind, as we never viewed those things as taboo.
I think my biggest bombshell when I was dating was my no sex policy, it was quite strict, no sex, nothing remotely sexual in the slightest not even kissing if it’s not chaste (like French kissing). Basically on the first date or before I’d tell them.
Panic attacks are a bombshell??
Fuck.
I gotta go think about some things.
On our very first date, I told my (now) husband that I never want to have children. He, thankfully, felt the same way. I also disclosed to him my mental health diagnoses. He and I were both in our late 20’s at the time, and I felt it would be more efficient to get it all out in the open, and to show respect and consideration for both of our time and desires. It worked out well, and created a bedrock of trust and honesty. We’ve been together for nearly 8 years, and we’re still very open, honest, and communicative. It’s been helpful too, in that I developed a chronic illness 4 years ago and we already had the tools to deal with its impact emotionally.
I would simply throw it out there within the first few dates. That was how hubbs and I got settled. “This is me, how about you?” Humans have medical conditions. If that’s a surprise, I wouldn’t want him anyway.
If ANYONE puts my name in their mouth, we’re gonna have an issue. I don’t care if it’s about my SAs or if it’s about what I put on my steak last night at dinner. If they don’t have that clue, then again, I don’t want them anyway.
Anything really important should be disclosed immediately. Big things especially could be a deal breaker for someone so why waste time?
Anything sexual I would mention before we got physical because in my opinion it’s not consensual or ethical to withhold information that effects their experience as well.
As much as we may not like, they deserve their right to decide for themselves if they are interested or not.
It depends. One of my “bombshells”, that I’m autistic, I strictly consider to be a later-dates kind of thing; I’m very adamant about letting people get to know me as a person before I talk about my developmental disorders because I feel that I need to break stereotypes about autistic people in advance. I’ve also never met anyone who could clear this kind of conversation with grace which makes me want to not have it unless necessary lolol.
It really just depends. With my current bf, me and him were best friends for almost 3 years before we actually started dating. So he knew *basically* everything before the relationship even started. But, about a year into our official relationship, I opened up to him about something that I was extremely insecure about. It was one of those “no one will ever know because they have no reason to” things. But I really felt like he should know everything about me. I wasn’t sure how he’d react, but I’m proud to say he hugged me, held me til I stopped crying, and told me he’s glad I trusted him enough to tell him that. Lemme tell ya, ladies, when you find someone like that, it’s something special.
If there’s something that I would consider a potential deal-breaker or think that other people would consider a potential deal-breaker about me, then I don’t wait to disclose it. I’d far rather have that open upfront so we can both move on if we are incompatible.
My partner and I discussed major things that were deal-breakers to us and things about ourselves that we thought might be deal-breakers to each other on our first real date, and then continued that discussion throughout our relationship as anything else came to mind that we thought could be an obstacle to our compatibility.
After a few times of hanging out I’d say. Children has always been a deal breaker for me ; and I was very vocal about that which is probably why my now boyfriend waited until date 4 to tell me he had one 😂 by then I’d already caught major feelings so I decided to keep going (thankfully) however if he told me on the first date I probably would have bailed so there’s that!
There’s no clear formula. I had a secret I did not know how to share, so sometimes it came out on a first date, and sometimes weeks or a few months in.
I learned some things along the way:
1. My story, my secret, is mine to keep or to share, on my terms. I will take how my story might affect you into consideration.
2. Your response is your response, and bears no weight on my value, my dignity, and does not change the outcome.
3. A clumsy or bad response may not mean end it. He may choose to do some research and learn something new and gain a different perspective. If he doesn’t do that quickly, then move on.
4. Learn how to trust your instincts – the gut feeling, not the heart – and observe how they see other things that may be similar. If, for example, you’re concerned about sharing a mental health concern, talk in generalities about mental health, ask their perspective. If they are judgemental or share ideas that may be unsafe for you, then this is not a safe person to share with and move on.
I was in my late 30s when I met my now-husband. We both had “things” to share. I was exhausted of BS by this time, and told him in our first phone conversation (#2 was a huge key in this). He also shared his story. It allowed us to skip past the awkwardness of “will they still like me” and we just trusted the process.
Best of luck. ❤️
Um, tbh took me a month. My bf knew something was off but kept thinking it was him he was saying “dating isn’t just talking to u. It involves other things. Hugging, holding hands. Kissing. And u know. If u can’t do any of that ever, I can’t do this. I just need to know if it’s because u don’t like me”. I was feeling panicked and pressured, thinking all he wanted was sex. I had to tell him do to traumatic situations, I needed to go at my pace. He asked what kind of stuff and I told him that someone in my life since I was 11 tried to pressure me into sexual acts. He felt horrible forcing me to tell him this and was saying he wasn’t trying to get sex out of me. We were both virgins and never interested in sex before meeting each other. But telling him everything made him understand how scared I was. .
It’s been 10 months now and tbh, we are both pretty messed up from horrible things. Just glad after that talk, we became more open to our experiences and aren’t afraid to talk about things. It’s better to know near the beginning. If they can’t accept u then, they probably never will
Be upfront about it. As soon as it feels like it won’t be weird to say something like that
I got raped by my last Partner. I was in denial about it,because i thought i was stronger than this. Kinda blew up in my face tho.
I did tell my current partner tho. But we were together for a long time 4 years ago and recently reconnected. He was very supportive,held her when i cried etc. What i appreciate so much was him not judging me and he will always ask me if im comfortable beeing intimate and always reassures me he rather prefers me feeling safe and comfortable with him,than him beeing satisfied.
Now i kinda regret telling him i didnt want a serious relationship
When I drop the bomb depends on the nature of the bomb. A lifelong STD definitely before we have sex. Infertility, before getting serious. Life threatening illness, I would likely bring up early on, before getting serious, but not necessarily immediately.
Well… I never dated intending for it to get serious, so I didn’t feel the need to inform anyone of much about myself. And then I had a date with a guy and somehow ended telling him my deepest secret… We kind of just vibed?
I’m a fairly open person, and I even think I use trauma as something to bond over with other people. I just end up saying it when it becomes relevant in conversation, and it will usually come up soon enough, probably before we even become partners