Hey. I have this one friend since 2016 – back in the day we used to talk on facebook a lot – nowadays we talk much less, but I believe we both still value our friendship. Now we talk more like every few weeks or months, and just “catch up” with each other. There is only one thing that’s confusing to me and I can’t wrap my head around what should I do.

If we catch up, and we hook on some topic we have the most amazing conversations and we’re both really into it (can talk for hours). But sometimes, I feel like randomly, some of my texts are ignored. For example:

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Scenario 1:

\- I text her, she texts back, we have a great chat

Scenario 2:

\- I text her, she texts back, we exchange some really fun texts, I text her back, and then – silence forever, suddenly

Scenario 3:

\- I text her – not even a response

​

One pattern is that I’m almost always the only one starting the conversation. Sometimes, we have a really great chat, and that’s why it’s so hard for me to understand when she doesn’t respond to something during the conversation, or she just reads and ignores my text at the start. Sometimes she even ignores texts that we both know are important topics for me.

I don’t want to be needy, I don’t want to feel like I’m pushing myself where I’m not wanted. It feels really bad to double text her, but sometimes, I double text and we start talking like nothing ever happened. I still care about the earlier response, but usually I just let it go. But sometimes, even double texting is met with silence and that’s when it gets really frustrating.

Should I just assume at this point that she doesn’t want to talk with me, but doesn’t know how to say it? I don’t feel too comfortable asking her about it because I’m not anyone really important in her life, I feel like I don’t get a right to confront her about something like this. She doesn’t have the obligation to talk with me, I get it, and she has her own life, I get it too. But why does it feel so random? Should I just go with the flow and triple text if I need to, and just salvage the moments when we both want to talk?

11 comments

  1. Personally, I hate always texting first. I would just wait for her to text me first, and wouldn’t prioritize responding to her. Also, just try arranging a meet up if you can, some people just hate texting.

  2. I’m your friend and I’ll give you my side of reasons,

    Friend and I are both good friends (30 years?) we always talk for hours and hours and hours we we get in the phone or chat because we share a lot of common philosophies and life styles, but I don’t have time to do that very often, I love her and care about her, but I have things I need to do and, especially when I’m not in a good place in my life, I don’t really like to talk to people. So it has nothing to do with my friend, just give me some space knowing that when she needs me needs me, I will always be there for her. Just no time for chit chat right now.

  3. I think the modern world makes it very easy to stay in touch, and to an extent this gives the impression that people are more available than they really are.

    Your friend has a whole life to live where she might be busy with work or school or her hobbies. Sometimes I don’t respond to messages because I receive and read them while I’m too busy to respond and then I get distracted and before I know it it’s been 3 days and I have to send the dreaded “Hey, so sorry I didn’t reply sooner!” message. And when you consider that someone has many friends, acquaintances and family members to stay in touch with, it can get a lot, especially if people demand instant replies.

  4. Find something else to fill your life, that is not waiting around for a response and then overanalyzing if you don’t receive one. Volunteering, new hobbies, get out of your head and give to others.

  5. You will continue to overthink and be anxious the longer you remain idle and waiting for messages from them. You are not a priority to them as demonstrated by their actions. Begging and chasing them to respond to you won’t work. It is classic needy and clingy behavior. People know when you are attached to them. They always deduce it is because your are lonely, obsessed with them, and possibly into them as more than friends. In short, chasing and begging means the loss of respect from others.

    Friendships aren’t codependent relationships. Your life and people’s lives are separate, not joined as one. Why is it that they can do other things besides messaging you, while you sit around and do nothing ? Don’t you have other things to do in life ? You need to be busy in your life focusing on your own goals and hobbies, while talking to other people on the side. That will help you build much needed self esteem and confidence. Chase excellence, not people.

    Read this: https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/we54zy/big_tip_to_reduce_your_social_anxiety_and_why/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

  6. a lot can be going on for your friend. do you know what their schedule looks like? generally, it’s considered bad manners to be out with one friend and texting another. if she’s out with other friends / significant other, then she’s less likely to text you back. or if she’s at work, climbing a mountain, etc.

    my friend likes to stay busy. she’s goes out to dance, hike, kayak, swimming, MMA, plays games, etc. she generally doesn’t text/call people during any of that. she’ll look at her phone later or the next day. if someone sends a generic “hi” or “how are you” then she won’t get back to you. but if someone says “we’re going to XYZ saturday, would you like to come?” then she’ll get back to them.

  7. I’ve been dealing a lot with these one way friendships and I’ve just started cutting them all off. Asking them usually doesn’t help either because they will just say sorry and that they care and they will get better at responding. But just like an abusive relationship, it might be better for a few days but it always goes right back to how it is. Also, maybe stop hitting her up first and see how long it takes for her to message you. It really hurts because sometimes you will never hear from them again but better off that than feeling like a bother to someone who doesn’t even want to listen. 🙁

  8. Do you text her things that are interesting to her? Or do you text her, “hey what’s up?” Or send her memes that she has no interest in.

  11. I had certain som eone like that and I too talked in similar amounts. Then I saw how much frequent and more organic convos she has with her best friends then I decided to take a step back and take it as how it is not how it could be.

    My point is probably to communicate once in a while by sending relatable posts/memes and have your deep convos once in 6 weeks or so. I even make it a point only to speak voluntarily when I want to pass time not make it a point to talk to her.

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