Needy and seeking validation energy is the biggest turn off for people ,people can feel the energy when you just need validation , and they will ignore you if you are seeking validation most of the time.
Be confident in your own skin and just try not to show any signs that you are seeking validation , you will have better healthy conversations.
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Correct. It is not just a turnoff for girls as many people limit it to. Having a healthy social life starts with having an independent ego. The question is how we can improve ourselves in terms of being less validation seeker person.
I know exactly the kind of confidence that you’re talking about but I don’t understand how to develop it basically from scratch. In my opinion, that kind of confidence is usually grown from a lifetime of privilege, usually pretty privilege at least.
For an example, the guy that I like and his girlfriend are basically the living embodiment of what you described. I have to see them a lot lately and I notice it. The way that they carry themselves and conduct themselves with people is just different, like you can just tell they don’t care about anyone’s approval, it’s the opposite. I saw some guy say something really awkward to them the other day. If it was me, I’d be tripping on myself trying to cover up the awkwardness and try to smooth it over (I don’t remember what he said exactly, but it was something cringey and kind of rude about their relationship). But they both just looked at the guy and let him die inside in front of them. Because they know they don’t need to bend over backwards making someone else feel better. It’s not that they’re outwardly mean or rude themselves but they both just don’t try hard to be likable and somehow that makes them more appealing?
So it’s easy to say okay, you have to see your own value and start treating your own approval like it matters. Don’t bend over backwards for other people’s comfort. Except I know exactly why they’re like that and I didn’t get that privilege. It’s because they’re both incredibly good looking. We are in a high SES area and there’s a lot of attractive people here, but even so, they’re still top tier conventionally attractive. You can tell they always were too. He’s tall and fit and masculine. She’s tiny and beautiful and feminine. I’ve written before on here that they’re the grown up version of the most popular couple in school.
People like that grow up with people seeking their approval and not having to chase other people’s approval themselves. That’s where their confidence comes from. I don’t think I can learn that vibe and I would feel ridiculous trying to fake it until I make it. I’m an ugly woman and I grew up an ugly girl. I spent my whole life being trained that I need to be the one accomodating and working hard for other people’s approval if I want people to like me. If I acted the way they did, it would just be embarrassing or piss people off.
Sorry for the rant but I guess my question is how am I supposed to learn to stop being needy for validation when I would never get any at all if I didn’t basically beg for it in the first place?
YES. Also, constantly seeking validation tends also goes hand in hand with you not being respectable and having nothing of value to offer to others. People naturally recognize, appreciate, validate, and value you on their own when there is something respectable about you. They typically don’t do it or are less inclined to do it when you beg and chase them. To be respectable in a natural way, you have to improve your social skills and work on getting all other areas of your life together. This means putting yourself out there and pursuing goals and hobbies. Chase excellence, not people !
So people are trash.. sweet
You seem to be saying that there’s a certain amount of neediness that can be hidden from people before they start to sense it. Am I getting that right?
Ok, so in other words “don’t be a try hard” and let others come to you.
So what do you do when you need validation, because you’re socially isolated, grew up neglected and abused, and don’t currently have friends you can rely upon to validate you?
I agree with the post, begin to like who you are as a person first. Then you won’t care whether others validate you or not. You will appreciate those who appreciate you for you. Because honestly 99% of the time it’s not worth having randos/coworkers/classmates validate you because most people are trash! You shouldnt care what others think! Play the game of hypocrites. I do. You gotta. Its the ugly truth. You just gotta give just enough bull shit to get by.
I honestly really needed to see this. Thank you so much. It just helped me connect a puzzle piece in my brain that I was struggling to get to fit.
“just don’t worry about it bro!”
Cool observation. Now go out and put it into practice guys!
Now that I’m on the other side of this issue, I totally understand why it’s such a turnoff. Relationships with people who are insecure with themselves are always unstable; the basis of the relationship forms on codependency, and the insecure person can start demanding unrealistic levels validation from the other person. And when there are problems in the relationship, they will immediately bail ship because of past trauma.
Preach!
Can you give me an example of that? How does one come across as needy or validation seeking? And how do we figure out?
Ambition and ability, turn offs lol
I think this definitely relates to what I always try to tell people and that’s to keep positive affirmations because a positive mindset is key. You should always be mentally secure and strong. it is hard sometimes and I have fallen short many times but it’s important for us to do that and remain hopeful.
Active seeking can definitely be a turn off. That say, wanting validation from others is a human emotion that pretty much everyone feels. So it’s not about removing it from yourself, but rather not letting it impact your actions to where you’re not being yourself.
I.e. You want someone to like you. That’s okay. You change your opinions so they match theirs to try and win their favor. That’s not okay.
I don’t know that I agree with this. No one is confident without seeking validation in some way.
When I’m dating someone, I’ll ask for what I need from them. If I need to feel physically loved, I’ll ask for physical affection. If I want to hear a compliment, I’ll ask for one.
With friends, if I feel we’re on a rocky road, I’ll ask them if there’s an issue and how we can fix it. Or I’ll ask them for more or less time with them, if that’s needed instead.
There is never anything wrong with asking for what we want or what we need. Don’t let the fear of seeming uncool or not confident stop you from being happy in your relationships.
Gotta stop people pleasing, very tough if you’ve been conditioned to do it.
“Fishing for compliments.” If someone who’s not fat asks “Do these pants make me look fat?” kind of hem and haw and say, “Well, um, not really. Maybe a little at the thigh, but it’s not bad.” It works.
r/oddlyspecific
Validation is a gift. And like all gifts, it’s either spontaneously given by the giver’s own initiative, or proffered as something obligatory in specific social situations. Gifts are not requested by the would-be receiver, and doing so just makes the requester come off as an entitled taker. If you want to receive gifts, be the kind of person that others would be grateful for and *want* to give gifts to.
What I’ve noticed on Reddit, is that validation is proffered *in spades* to a commenter who mentions straightforwardly, but *briefly, as an aside*, that they’re going through some difficult crap. Typically such a commenter will go out of their way to make this (ostensibly) not the main point of their comment, but rather, a supporting detail. This kind of phrasing shows that they’re not dwelling on it or held back by it, and don’t seek or expect any validation from anyone.
On the contrary, lengthy self-posts and comments whose main point is a desperate cry for validation, but thinly-veiled as something else, tend to attract downvotes and scornful comments. Which really feels like salt in one’s wounds when you’re hurting, raw, and vulnerable. As somebody who doesn’t read people well, I’ve learned this the hard way.
The big exception, of course, are subs that are explicitly gathering places and support spaces for people suffering from a very specific sort of problem. Which Reddit has a bounty of! And even then, flair it as a rant, pay it back by validating others’ struggles, and above all things, *make sure your struggle really is exactly the same one that the sub caters to!*
Everyone needs validation. It’s a basic element of all social interaction. Our identities are constructed in interaction through performances in the social world. Those performances require “role support” which is just another term for social validation. Without role support, we cannot sustain any social identity. So the need for validation is in no way pathological or needy. It is a universal need that all of pursue in every social interaction. Don’t feel bad if you need validation. Everyone does.
In other words, the sky is blue.
Not true. I know people who are CONSTANTLY seeking validation that are extremely well liked and popular. Many celebrities fit this description as well. If you constantly seek validation and also have qualities people admire, then people will willingly give it to you
True, but is easier said than done. How can anyone train themselves to confident in their own skin?