I’m sorry if there is a thread somewhere but I’ve had a hard time searching this subject without getting results like “how to tell when a woman orgasms”
I’ve been with my gf a few months now and we have been super open about sex and our experiences. She has explained am “issue” where she cannot tell if she is orgasming. When we are together, she will give many signs of this. Spasms inside her, legs shaking, lots of liquid. However, when I ask if she felt like she came, she is never sure. She just explained the sensation as increasing in intensity until it just stops and starts growing again.
This sounds to me like orgasm. However, I find it strange that she is unsure. I’ve always known people to be pretty positive when it happens. All the clues are there and when we talk about it she often says “well it looks like I did so I guess I did?”
I know she still enjoys it so I’m not worried about her having a good time but I’m curious if any others have experienced orgasms like this or if I just need to keep working to get her there.
Thanks.
12 comments
Yup, it happens. Some women scream during orgasms, some women can’t tell tell if that’s even happening.
Orgasm is a biological function and that sexologist actually did a little research and most women who claimed “to never have orgasms” indeed had them, they just weren’t aware.
“as increasing in intensity until it just stops and starts growing again” that pretty much sounds like an orgasm. Does she feel like this during masturbation too? I do. I’m masturbating, it’s awesome and then I don’t feel that overwhelming pleasure, I’m just like “oh ok, I guess I can just stop now”
If she’s happy with your sex life, you’re all good.
Yeah, it can happen. Sometimes I can tell the exact moment when I orgasm, but often I kinda know that it happened because of how satisfied I feel afterwards, but I don’t notice anything special in the moment except for overall pleasure of a building intensity. As long as she likes it and is satisfied with your sex life, it sound perfectly fine.
If she feels like she needs to be able to pinpoint the climax to actually enjoy it, I suggest starting with masturbation so that she can have full control and feel exactly when the feeling changes from wanting to cum to perfectly satisfied.
I’m going to say that she may not be orgasming. She may be getting really close and then either “sensation as increasing in intensity until it just stops (she gets distracted) and starts growing again (as she gets back to noticing her body)
also, not going over the she can be from fear- as orgasms are extremely intense, or she can be overthinking and overreacting to getting close, accidentally change her rhythm or position, the feeling “stops” and as she she readjusts to the correct pressure, rhythm, it “starts growing again.”
Sexologist also show that people have involuntary rectum spasms when they orgasm. You can watch her rectum while you finger her/eat her or slide a lubed finger in her butt (with prior consent of course) and see if she is indeed spasming.
If not, you can work on helping her get over the edge without it taking away from the enjoyment she is having or by pressuring her.
I orgasm pretty easily from clit stimulation but my orgasms are very violent and are the muscles shaking, very hard to breath variety. The first few scared the crap out of me when new. At the same time, I had trouble masturbating and getting myself over the edge as my first few orgasm were from partners going down on me before I had ever masturbated. It took me about a month to NOT loose control of my hand right before the big finish.
So I personally find it hard that she doesn’t know and suspect she hasn’t had one. But close, for me, would have absolutely seemed like an orgasm IF I hadn’t had that guy (the one in college) basically hold me down and ignored my hyperventilating.
I’d suggest trying for a 1st or 2nd orgasm. As long as there’s no pressure, you can only add to the experience.
Edited- stupid autocorrect
Maybe she isn’t quite getting there or the orgasms are just small weak ones.
If you have a big orgasm you definitely know it is one. 😂
I have had orgasms with crazy build up and then when I get there, there is nothing, it just falls flat and then others where nothing seems to be happening and then suddenly my back is arching, I’m seeing god and can taste colours, like where did that come from !?
Maybe she needs some experimentation with sex toys or a bit more solo activity to find out what works for her. If she doesn’t have a vibrator that is a good place to start. It could be that she tenses up too much before she orgasms and it prevents it happening.
Ok, so I’ve had orgasms like this. If there are physical signs that it has happened (rapid spasms, pupils changing, blush on face/chest, especially any extra sensitivity after or feeling of need to rest/tiredness) she’s likely had one, it just may have been small. I used to think I wasn’t coming at all because I would feel only a physical, localized sensation, but it wasn’t full body or intense, which is what I wanted. Doesn’t help that when this happens, I have a tiny refractory period or none at all, which increases the feeling of it having just been increased arousal instead of a real peak, albeit small. But there is a chance she really isn’t coming.
I can say the things that help me are being brought close to the edge and brought back a few times before actually coming, and being vocal. I know that may sound weird but something about being vocal and incorporating a “fake it till you make it” feeling helps me, like smiling until I actually feel better. I think it can help convince the brain to “buy in” and let go a bit more.
Does she/both of you ever use a vibrator? If the sensation feels different/less or more intense depending on the stimulation and situation, that would be a good way to test. I hesitate to offer any more ideas because it’s really quite individual (vibrators can be TOO much for some folks after all). But if you’re both enjoying yourselves, you’re doing it right! Props for making sure she’s getting the most out of it 😁
Not all orgasms are equal. Some are mini ones some are bigger longer ones, some are loads of mini consecutive ones
If she can’t tell, it’s not an orgasm. an orgasm, specifically a real, full-body orgasm will leave her or you without a doubt.
Having an orgasm is all about being comfortable with herself and letting go. Doing this alone first is going to be much easier than doing it with you. So I suggest that she forgets about you until [she can reliably masturbate to orgasm by herself](https://366moves.wordpress.com/2022/09/30/women-guide/). Once she can orgasm easily by herself, then she get you involved.
But in reality there is no physical reason why a woman cannot have an orgasm, although some women have far greater difficulty than others in reaching a climax.
Reaching orgasm is all about letting go of control, and this concept can be a little frightening for some. Because of this, it is usually better if the woman can learn about her own body and responses without a partner to begin with, so that she can know what it is that gives her pleasure and ultimately brings her to orgasm.
For many women, this happens without even trying, as in adolescence they begin to experiment and find that a particular touch or movement will bring about very satisfying results. This is natural and good, and also takes away any element of having to get it right when they are with a partner – they already know what they like and are able to pass this on to their partner.
This has not happened with your girlfriend. If she were to go to a sex therapist, she would be encouraged [to start on a programme of self-exploration](https://366moves.wordpress.com/2022/09/30/women-guide/), gradually adding a sexual component through fantasy or the written word when doing this. The thinking is that when she has learned on her own what contributes to her orgasm it will be much easier for her to get there with a partner.
On your part you are very considerate of her, and you might appreciate [this guide](https://366moves.wordpress.com/2022/09/29/female-101/). Then you will have done all that you can and after that I would advise not bringing the subject up again for quite some time. If you keep asking about it this may bring about a certain amount of performance anxiety and she will certainly not be able to let go. ‘A watched pot never boils’ comes to mind!
If there are vaginal spasms and the other responses you noted, it’s pretty clear she has a mistaken sense of what an orgasmic experience might be. I suppose she could be hitting a threshold just below orgasm before her response backs down to start over again, but vaginal contractions from the pelvic floor is pretty much the gold standard for female orgasm.
If she can’t tell she isn’t orgasming or it’s very very light orgasms.
Then she isn’t
Is she on meds of any kind !???? My kitten is on some meds that sometimes make it hard for her to cum …. She will get there and then not go over the edge for quite some time …. Often times she spends more time being edged than she does cumming regardless of how pleasurable our play sessions may be for her …..