I (M20) just can’t seem to get into a relationship if my life depended on it. Over the past year and a half or so I’ve tried to start looking for a relationship, and I’m pretty consistently in a talking stage with someone. Despite this, either myself or the other person loses interest (which happens, that’s part of dating), or it becomes a FWB situation. In the past (little over) a year or so I think I’ve had like 3 separate FWB situations. Two of them ended mutually and had alright endings, but I realized tonight that I’ve finally screwed myself over and caught feelings for my current FWB (19F, has been going on for about a month) when she explicitly laid out the fact that she wasn’t looking for a relationship. I didn’t mention that I’m looking for one, she did it purely because she didn’t want to potentially hurt me and wanted to be honest, which I really appreciated. I kind of knew this would happen eventually, but didn’t expect it to hurt this much (I know, very stupid of I). I do consider myself lucky however because she moves away for good at the end of next semester, so if no deeper relationship comes from this at least it’ll be easier to get over with her out of town.
I feel like I’ve seen hints that she may like me but is just scared. She mentioned she’d been hurt by a boyfriends who lied to her in the past and that’s why she doesn’t want a relationship right now, but we kind of do “couple” things. We cuddle often, we hang out even if we aren’t going to have sex, we sometimes kiss goodbye. She also mentioned that she doesn’t typically sleep with people outside of a relationship and has never had FWB before, which leads me to believe she at least likes me a little bit (maybe?). I’ve had people ask if we’re dating and they always seem surprised when we say no.
I know this sounds super naive, but has anybody turned a FWB where the “no relationship” conversation was had into a relationship? I’d really appreciate some advice in regards to both my current situation, as well as actually turning a talking stage/dating stage into a relationship and not FWB.
TLDR: Can’t turn talking stage/dating stage into a relationship, only FWB or we lose interest. Finally caught feelings for current FWB and don’t know what to do. Looking for advice for both current situation or overall dating advice to avoid future situations like this.
5 comments
I have no advice for you on this particular question because I am a firm believer in listening to what people tell you and respecting it.
However, my advice is to be up front with people that you are seeking a relationship from beginning next time. It will save both of you time and energy. And there won’t be any confusion. The fact that she told you she didn’t want a relationship and you didn’t say that you did…. That’s not good for either of you
You need to be upfront about your desire to have a legitimate romantic relationship, and stop jumping head first into a FWB relationship. If the conversation goes to FWB, just say no.
FWB relationships rarely turn into healthy relationships
I did. It was dumb and needlessly risky. We were both in a position where we weren’t looking for a relationship, and decided to just have fun together. I caught feelings first, and she was pretty upset when I told her I wanted us to have a serious relationship. Luckily for me, she had already caught feelings too, and ultimately came around to the idea. We are headed toward three amazing years together, in part because we have honest communication and a strong underlying friendship.
Still, I wouldn’t recommend it. Nature is going to ensure you catch feelings if you are having benefits, that’s just how it works. If you grow attached first and the other person is committed to no relationship, its gonna be heartbreaking. I’d say wait for someone who’s ready for a relationship.
*I (M20) just can’t seem to get into a relationship if my life depended on it.*
You are only 20 years old.
*Over the past year and a half or so I’ve tried to start looking*
18 months to ‘try and start’. You realize how many decades you have ahead of you? How long it can take to find someone? This is just Life, dude.
*Can’t turn talking stage/dating stage into a relationship, only FWB or we lose interest*
That’s….dating. Wouldn’t you rather figure straight away that there is no relationship there, than pour years into something only to figure out much later that…there is no relationship there?
You meet people (hopefully!) and you try them on to see if you fit each other. Sometimes Yes, most times No. If you are lucky the people you meet become friends. Friends are awesome!
I suggest you dial back your expectations. You seem impatient and annoyed that a life partner has not fallen into your lap at 20.
Keep trying, keep looking, stop expecting and being impatient. Meanwhile live a full life with friends and hobbies and passions and volunteering and work.
Regarding you current FWB, just walk away man. I’ve been where she was before (shitty relationship that turned me off serious dating for some time) and there is nothing someone else can do to make you want a relationship. It’s gotta come from you wanting to put yourself out there.
As to your problem regarding not being able to get a gf in general it’s probably a combination of not being upfront about what you want from the start and picking the “wrong” girls. By wrong I mean ones that are clearly not in the right headspace for a relationship or those who do not want a relationship with your personally. To be fair early 20s are prime fucking around/casually dating years when most people are in a transitional phase of their lives (parties,college, moving away from home, thinking about their future careers) so not much into settling down anyway. Most people in their early 20s are not going to want a serious relationship regardless of gender so you pretty much have to actually find the ones that want one instead of just getting together with any woman you find attractive. Being upfront about what you want becomes really important in this case because it allows you to weed out the ones that don’t fit the bill