My (F19) boyfriend (M19) has just recently admitted to me that if it came down to it he’d choose maintaining our relationship over maintaining his mental health. He puts more emotional stock into our relationship than he does into himself, and he says that his self worth is tied to me.
I want to help him, but I don’t know how. So far, we’ve decided on taking a break for a week, and he’s going to start seeing his therapist again, but I’m worried that being with me will be actively detrimental to him. We have a really unhealthy relationship right now too (codependency, excessive arguments, etc), so I don’t know if the break will work. How can I help him?
TL;DR how can I help my boyfriend have a more healthy balance between being in a relationship and maintaining his own mental health?
4 comments
You cant really help him to be honest. He has to clear it himself. What you can do is guild him the best you can. This problem is within his head, he has to find ways to balance himself. The therapist will help him, but again it is up to him.
You can’t. That’s down to him and his therapist.
The question is why is the relationship a detriment to his mental health? That’s what you two need to fix.
I think you already know that he has issues he needs to work through.
If I were you, I would tell him something like this:
* You can’t be an effective partner if you don’t care about yourself. Your well-being matters, both to your partner and to the quality of the relationship. So, you HAVE to care about your own well-being in order for us to be in a relationship that works.
* You need to have your own life, your own goals, your own desires. I don’t WANT a partner who cares about nothing but me. I want a partner who is a partner.
I wouldn’t expect the break to work. I would lay out to him very clearly what you view as a relationship that you want to be in, and why he’s not meeting those expectations. And then you can decide whether you want to give him a chance to understand and reflect that, or move on with your life.
Final note: this seems like a pretty standard case of immaturity. Maturity and wisdom cannot be taught. They have to be realized, internally. You can’t force an “a-ha!” moment on someone who doesn’t want to see it. So, I would just warn you that it’s not likely you will quickly see this person “get it.” Don’t bet on it, and certainly not in one or two weeks’ time.