So I’ll be 100% candid and say that sometimes, having a partner with ADHD really drains me.
I’m not neurotypical myself. But, I like to have a decent amount of organization and planning in order to feel more in control of my life. Things don’t have to be spotless or perfectly planned out, but if a place is too messy or things are too spontaneous, I feel stressed, unsafe, and sometimes even sick.
I love them to bits, and can’t see life without them. But, some of the things they do (and don’t do) really drive me up a wall. It can be exhausting to deal with it sometimes.
– Things are left strewn throughout the house, even after I’ve just cleaned everything.
– I dont feel listened to at all sometimes, even when I’m asking for something or expressing my feelings.
– I constantly need to motivate them or remind them about things that are not my personal responsibilites.
– I always feel in charge of maintaining the house in general.
– They distract me repeatedly when I am doing important personal assignments (Which is a major pet peeve of mine).
– They fail to let me know about changes of plan or important upcoming things until the very last minute.
– They impulsively tell me some things of which I have already mentioned hurt my feelings.
There’s so much more, and I dont want to go into immense detail. But, long story short I am so tired of feeling like a parent instead of a spouse, like second fiddle, like a live-in housekeeper, and like my entire schedule revolves around what they want to do. I dont feel appreciated for the effort I put into our lives, or as an individual. I don’t want to resent the person I love most, but at this rate, my discouragement and frustration is only growing.
We can’t afford therapy at this time. So, what can we do to have some sort of happy medium? What can I do to reduce my frustration? Anything?
3 comments
Make managing their ADHD their job, not yours, and separate out the things you rely on them for as much as possible.
Do they agree that these things are problems? “Honey, I need YOU to come up with a plan that works for YOU to manage…..” leaving things around, bothering you when you’re working, etc. There is a universe of information out there for people with ADHD to give each other advice on how to cope. How To Keep House While Drowning is an excellent resource and the author has a website, I believe.
The key here is, you cannot “fix” any of this unless you have real buy-in from them that these things are problems, and that it is their job, NOT yours, to find solutions that work for them. (Solutions that work for neurotypical people may not work for someone with ADHD.) If instead they don’t really care because they know eventually you will clean up the messes, make the appointments, etc, or because they’re more invested in not changing, then staying in your marriage means being an unpaid personal assistant and maid.
Idk. My husband has ADHD and like it or not he’s my husband and whom I have decided to dedicate my life to. I’ve learned that in some areas I have to pick up slack where he is seemingly unable to. Not because he doesn’t want to or is incapable…but because his brain doesn’t work like mine.
He’s Mr. Busy…constantly has music playing…has his hands in about 30 things, goes from this to that in an instant. Yep. He can be chaotic. Yep, he’s disorganized. Yep, he’s messy. However he’s also got strengths that I don’t have. I have social anxiety and he doesn’t. He’s also Mr. Neighbor. We live in the country and because of him and his outgoing personality and boisterousness we’ve made friends with all of our neighbors…which helps because he’s gone a lot commercial fishing for work so sometimes I need help with our property. He also gets hyper focused on tasks. I swear he would have done really well in the military.
Yeah, you can feel like a parent opposed to a partner or you can accept the fact that your partner has a different brain than you. And it’s not their fault.
With my husband we sit down once a week and go over our schedule. Go over bills and divide up chores by date and tasks by weather or schedules. We live and die by our white board. This helps my husband but it also helps me feel less overwhelmed. I don’t feel like his parent anymore…I feel like his partner. Granted, in my experience people with ADHD take lists and things extremely literally. If it’s not on the chore list or shopping list, 9 times out of 10 he doesn’t think to do it or grab it. However since we’ve begun week maps he actually will take some time now to do it himself or start it so he has the plan. Idle hands are my husbands greatest enemy. He’s a work horse…he does what needs to be done. Once he’s mastered something he’s an exceptional teacher and much more patient than I am.
So yeah, I’m okay with his ADHD now because I’ve learned how to accept it and not fight it. Little adjustments here and there and we’re both happier and more successful. Imo he never dropped the ball or missed things because he’s malicious or lazy. It’s just because his brain goes a billion miles an hour so he isn’t detailed, there are far worse things to be. And at the end of the day I’ve decided to radically accept him just as he has me, and together we can figure out how our home runs the best. Now it’s much better.
I have ADHd too. When i free gonna edit