For someone, you text back and forth consistently (I’m referring to real-time convos on iMessage, for example), what are the expectations for the time between responses?
I mainly want to know if I am overreacting, which I think I am, but it doesn’t hurt to confirm. I’m texting a guy that I’m interested in, and he doesn’t have cell service, so he can only respond if he is somewhere with a WiFi signal. He spends most of his time working from home, so it’s usually not an issue. Sometimes mid-conversation, the signal would cut out (I assume), and my message doesn’t deliver for a few hours. Then it does intermittently return, but the messages after that don’t. I suspect he sometimes does this intentionally when he doesn’t feel like talking, but the kinder thing to do is to tell the person you don’t feel like talking or anything once you can find a moment. There are very few moments where one can’t take a few seconds to text ‘brb.’ I’ve even emphasized that this is okay and that I prefer this because then I am just left wondering what happened
It isn’t enjoyable when this happens mid-conversation, and he comes back without even addressing it in passing. I know I’m a little iffy and weird because I have massive trust issues, which I also communicated.
I don’t want to feel like I’m keeping tabs on this person, but I feel disrespected by these 1-3 hour disappearances with no explanation. It’s not like the convo died; we were mid-conversation.
I’m rambling on now tho. What do you think about this? Should I choose to put my time into someone else?
\*Did some quick edits for clarity
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Some context: I’m not used to reaching out to people outside my immediate circle regularly, so I know that my expectations are more specific than those of others. I also expressed this to my friend, but I don’t know if the message is getting through to him or if he doesn’t care and won’t say it, lol. I try to make everyone comfortable enough to tell me they disagree. I don’t know if that’s even relevant. I’m mostly just lost and don’t know how to proceed. Is this something I should suck up and deal with myself internally?
42 comments
Definitly over reacting. Have you asked him if it’s intentional? If not then you made up a story in your head that you’ve chosen to believe(something we all do). Maybe his phone just quit connecting to the wifi and he didn’t notice it. Maybe he was wondering why you haven’t messaged him back yet and didn’t realize it wasn’t connected anymore. Maybe something happened on your side while sending the message… there’s 1000 maybe’s and what if’s we could do, but all of them will just cause distress. It’s always better to assume the best until you have reason to assume the worst. If it bugs you that mich ask him, but first be aware that this might be trust issues trying to lie to you and make you believe something that isn’t try. Your brains trying to protect you from pain but will actually keep you from being happy.
Texting isn’t the same as talking on the phone or in person. Long breaks between messages are okay. If the convo is about an urgent subject and you can’t wait for a response, you should request to call. Otherwise, exercise patience. Pressuring someone to keep a text conversation going consistently tends to push them away.
If I’m texting with someone, I assume they may have other things going on. I don’t think much of it. Get back to me when you can. If it’s important or time sensitive I’ll call or make it explicitly clear that it’s time sensitive.
I’m a person who consistently disappears! If I replied to everything immediately I’d literally never get work done. So I batch my replies to people whenever I have a moment. This is especially important when working from home, because otherwise you’d get like 10 minutes of work done across the whole day in between replies.
I don’t really think about whether I’m into/out of the conversation, like the topic or person doesn’t affect how long I take to reply… It’s purely a matter of when I can handle interrupting my chores or work for a little treat (the treat being replying to people).
Texting with someone at work you can not expect them to reply non stop – yea he works from home, but he still has to work right?
I don’t think you’re overreacting. I think the person you’re talking too is less interested in you than you are to him.
Trust me, if I guy truly likes you and is interested in you, they will find time to respond or give to reason to why they didn’t respond. That guy simply doesn’t respect your time, he thinks he can walk all over you!
Express to him that you don’t appreciate that and you’d like clear communication.
Communication is an indication of a good relationship. If he can’t communicate properly now, imagine in the next couple of years 🤦♀️
The reason texting rocks is that you can do it throughout the day while living your life. I expect long pauses in convo.
Texting doesn’t have to happen in real time. If I want uninterrupted conversation, I would call or meet up. Texting is good for inviting someone out or sending them some uplifting messages or memes. But conversation can happen more naturally in person or phone. I stop talking in text all the time because there was never an agenda or anything to that conversation. If I get too busy, I stop asking or answering questions to text. For me, meaningful conversations doesn’t happen in text.
These are the most stupid “advices” i’ve ever seen.
First, if he’s ACTUALLY in LOVE with you these things shouldn’t happen. Yeah if you ran out of subjects to discuss then yes but if he’s doing that in the mid of a conversation that means he’s not 100% in love with you.
I tell you this because once I was actually in love with a girl and i would never “disappear” mid conversation..If i can’t talk with her at one moment i tell her for exemple “hey, i got some important classes this hour and i may not be able to reply back”..always let her know if i can’t talk to her.
So yeah, think it like that..Do you reply to him everytime and not disappear mid conversation?? If yes, why couldn’t he do that?
I think you should talk with him about this.
That’s the wonderful thing about texting, there are no expectations. If it’s important, a call would be in order.
Since it’s a text, I don’t expect the recipient to text immediately, but rather when it’s convenient for them. Likewise, if the sender really needed my immediate response, they can call.
Texting is awesome. If alleviates almost all need for direct conversation, but it also comes with limitations, including, but not limited to, misinterpretations and lengthy response times.
Sit back and enjoy the ride. Newer relationships and getting to know that person can be a blast!
Im torn here.
If it bothers you, it bothers you, and I don’t think the feeling will get better as you progress your relationship. How everyone else feels here is fine, but will that knowledge be enough for you to change how you feel?
The next thing is.. trust your gut. If you think something’s fishy, I would trust that feeling…
Lastly, though, I’ll be honest – I go hours apart in conversations where I know the other person does the same, and I’ll be more attentive to people who are more attentive (even if that means not acknowledging their text until I have time). Sometimes things happen and i go hours mid conversation unintentionally. I don’t think there’s a right answer, and I do agree with others that it’s safest to assume that the other person is just busy.. but it really sounds like your situation is more than that
Don’t think about it too much, texting is very vague to begin with, you don’t really know what they’re doing, if you can, try focusing on phone calls more
>the kinder thing to do is to tell the person you don’t feel like talking
You’re not talking. Text messages are not talking.
If you’re expecting full conversation through text there needs to be a set time and reason for it to be so (laryngitis, for example).
If I text, or am in discord talking real-time, it’s normal for the conversation to hit a lull and replies just stop coming. But also, I usually give it 24 hours before I’m like, “Hey there” and start a new convo
people have lives. they don’t owe you any explanation on why they don’t respond right away, that obviously means they’re busy. even if they don’t feel like responding anymore, that means they’re busy having personal time. waiting 1-3 hours for a response is not a long time.
OP, there are many people here telling you that you’re overreacting or should manage your expectations about replies from a working adult.
I would like to offer a different perspective. You said his sudden disappearance from an active conversation isn’t enjoyable for you, you feel disrespected, and he doesn’t even address it.
When it comes to dating, it is also very important that you are in tune with how you feel, and that you take care of yourself if someone’s actions are making you unhappy.
You are not overreacting, and from what you wrote, I think your expectations are very reasonable. If he repeatedly does this even if you have mentioned that you are bothered by it, I wouldn’t waste more time on him if I were you. Clearly he has a different idea of what constitutes text etiquette, and it’s futile to try and force someone to change.
But it’s more concerning to me that you are actively suppressing your feelings and downplaying your needs to accommodate somebody’s behaviour.
It’s okay to feel uncomfortable. It’s okay to feel, “this is not right.” If you want a guy who is consistent in communication, don’t stick with one who’s inconsistent.
I’ll only stop something important I’m doing to text someone back if it’s one of my best friends, or if it’s a woman I really really like. Normally my texting “conversations” have a good pause in between them because I’m busy unless it’s on the weekend. Either I’m cooking, or I’m studying, or I’m travelling, or I’m getting some exercise in.
Text and instant messenger are very similar in that they are non urgent forms of communication. You want an immediate response? Someone’s undivided attention? Make a phone call. This is also why people hate talking on the phone. If you get bothered by the lack of response then messenger is not the communication medium for you.
people will communicate with you when they feel like it tbh
I have a lot of experience and lot of insight I can pass along. For example, when some disappears mid-message, it is because …
The best advice I’ve ever heard regarding how to maintain happiness is to not have expectations. Don’t have expectations about how long someone should take to text back. Don’t have expectations of people to do the right thing. If you are always expecting that things should go according to plan you will often be disappointed because inevitably things do not always go according to plan. If you instead shift to a thought process where the only expectation you have is that life will continue to happen and you will continue to react to it in the moment it is conducive to happiness.
I often disappear mid-conversation whilst texting bc I have a bad case of the problems and sometimes I just can’t™️ for whatever reason
Texting is not a conversation. If you want immediate replies then get on the phone/FaceTime. Otherwise people read and respond to texts as they go about their life, no one is sitting staring at their phone waiting for a reply
I know its me but I can’t be doing with people who engage u in these half hr/hr long battles..ffs either pick up the phone or get to the point or expect my reply upto a day later
It generally just means they became busy with something. Life happened.
I’m someone who does this lol. I do it because being expected to keep a conversation going from pretty much morning until night through texting is fucking exhausting. Especially if I have a lot of other things going on. Sometimes I just need a break. Sometimes i just wanna do what I wanna do without having to think about “oh I gotta stop what I’m doing and look at my phone and respond to all these texts.” I hate being glued to my phone and I don’t wanna talk about what I’m doing every minute of everyday. To the people who text me alot non stop I tell them every now and then that I’m taking a mental health day and turning my phone off for a couple hours just so I can have some time to myself and not have to worry about 5 things at once while having to respond to people all day. Everybody’s Different so maybe he just doesn’t feel like texting non stop and if that’s the case, you shouldn’t get offended by it. Just try and respect him and give him space.
He’s not into you. People respond quickly to someone they’re interested in
If this bothers you, you need hobbies, friends and/or self esteem
I do it to my husband. But we aren’t in the getting to know you phase and he knows when I’m busy. Sounds like the guy is either busy or not into this. Or you’re “rambling on” in text, too haha. Either way, it’s probably something worth addressing if it’s becoming an issue for you.
This is the cancer of the always-on society. Calls used to be returned the next day. Letters took days/weeks. OP you need to chill TF out. Don’t accelerate this negative trend with unrealistic/inhumane expectations.
I have spoken to a lot of men over the years who have been pissed because I didn’t respond to them in two seconds. Honestly from my experience, he could just be working or doing something else. There’s always other things going on and it’s not realistic to expect responses asap.
Texting is more like an email nowadays – I will get back to you when I do sort of thing. If I need you urgently or for real-time anything I will most likely call you
You are being way too needy. It’s only 1-3 hours. He doesn’t need to explain. This is gonna sound harsh but If this is seriously bothering you, you need to get a life and stop being so attached to your phone.
I prefer if someone I’m texting takes ample time between responses. It indicates they have an actual life and texting people isn’t a priority.
Because, I hate to break it to you…. texting isn’t a priority and should not dictate how you feel. External validation is nice, sure but it’s also a liability.
I think if someone texts you then doesn’t respond back for over a week, it’s time to ditch that friend. They only see you as an option
I love texting because if I need to stop and do something for 6 hours I can, because the conversation is still sitting right there waiting. I don’t have time to stop & give my undivided attention by talking on the phone most of the time. Texting gives me the ability to still have the conversation, but as it’s convenient for each person to respond
Unfortunately, honestly, yes, you need to suck it up. It is not reasonable or appropriate to be offended by someone using an asynchronous messaging medium the way it’s designed to be used. If it’s important to you to have a real-time conversation where every response is immediate and get a clear “okay, bye, ttyl” at the end of it, arrange to talk on the phone or video chat.
I totally get how fun it can be to text like that, but it’s not a sustainable thing for many people, especially adults.
I get that it’s frustrating that he doesn’t explain and you’re left hanging, but I think you should work towards accepting the fact that that’s the nature of texting. It is meant for people to respond when convenient (and within reasonable time like a day or two).
It’s good to consider everyone’s social/online stamina too. Some people enjoy texting like you but can’t take it in the same doses as you. They can only last for a little bit. I’m also in a similar situation but am accepting it because I’m understanding that the person is extremely busy and also likes calling way more.
I disagree with those saying you should find someone who values you. Texting speed shouldn’t be the sole indicator. If you keep wanting to explore this connection, I suggest trying to have a conversation with him about it so you can both say how you feel
Half the time I prefer to read my texts and not reply for a while, so I can kind of think about my reply in the background while I’m doing things. Personally though I don’t have any social media and I only answer my phone at my convenience. I didn’t even get my first cell phone til I was 20 or 21. Often I find socializing exhausting unless I’m fully rested and no stress that I’m dealing with, so if a lot is going on I just don’t even open the message until I feel like I can give that person the proper reply they deserve when I’m in a good head space.
If someone asked me to tell them brb I would feel a bit strained, suddenly I’d feel bad or defensive about replying at my own pace. I kind of had this experience at this girl who would always reply instantly but kept apologizing for not texting me back fast enough, I started to feel bad because I was taking way longer. Eventually I drifted away from her because it felt like she was in my face with stuff like that a lot, like I could never just chill and let it be in a natural way. Always had to think about how long its been since I replied or if she replied already so I’m not seeming to neglect the conversation.
I found it stressful pretty quickly. Also, I was just reading about negative attribution bias, which may have a bit to do about how your interpreting the gaps in responses. Maybe not, I dont really know but possibly
I have terrible ADHD so I’m always doing something when I get a text I’ll often respond then I’ll get another see it then get distracted and not answer for hours sometimes days just passes by my mind I also don’t really like texting or calling I’d rather FaceTime or be in person but that’s just me
It’s just texting. I often stop replying for hours or even days depending on how much time I have to answer. If it’s something important or urgent then it’s better to voice call.
I rarely text in general, though.
Well, you said he’s working from home. He could just be focusing on his work, or doing other things around the house. You can respond to text messages whenever you want, that’s why they exist. His life doesn’t revolve around responding to you all the time.